My dd (15) is falling apart how can I help her?

[winnie]

As you may or may not know my husband bailed out of our marriage just over a week ago. It is hell (but that is another story). Dd is 15, he is not her Dad, but he is the only male parental role model she has ever had. They were very close although never kissy/cuddly IYSWIM.
I told dd almost immediately partly because of the state I was in (she would not have been able to miss the fact that something had happened) and partly because I believe in being appropriately straight with my children.
( Ds (5) has not as yet been told as husband and I have agreed to what to say and then husband has decided it's not what he wants to say... )
Anyway, dd has a lot on her plate; my mum is terminally ill, she is in her final GCSE year and not doing well, her best friend has become completely besotted by her and it's got rather worrying particularly as he is very needy (he takes drugs, never goes to school), her actual Dad has been charged with a serious violent offence and recently told her he is going to cut his throat because dd doesn't talk deep and meaningfully with him (why would she he chose not to have a relationship with her for 12 years?) & he has been telling her it doesn't matter how she does in school it's her choice and now this. She is worrying about me and her brother and has very, very mixed feelings about stepdad right now. I think it is the last straw and she seems on the edge. Last night she just broke down and curled up on my lap and cried like a baby. I feel awful as I cannot make any of these problems go away for her.
I have spoken to her head of year and dd is being extremely disruptive in school , walking out of lessons, bursting into tears, generally being a 'drama queen' and I have agreed to meet the head of year with dd and there has been a suggestion that she is put on 'daily report' & the head of year has recommended that I stop her seeing said best friend!
How do I get my daughter back on track? Any ideas, experiences?
Until a few months ago we had a wonderful relationship but in the past few months we have just been at loggerheads. She was always so together and now she is falling apart

[Marina]

Oh Winnie
No experience here, but for starters - how does dd feel about the devoted, needy bf? Could she consciously or otherwise be wanting you to ban her from seeing him, so that she can use that as a no-guilt reason to keep him away from her at the moment?
Can you stop her father saying these unacceptable things to her (is he in custody? sounds like he ought to be)? Is she choosing to continue contact with him?
With regards to the school, is it possible they are proposing Daily Report to try and help her get her school day into some semblance of order at least? Are they aware of everything you are dealing with as a family right now?
I also wonder if you should seriously consider getting some advice and a referral from your GP. Is there any provision in CMHS locally for struggling teens?
Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. I remember how you used to post about her and think, how lovely for you both. Teenagers are normally volatile and "difficult", though, so don't be too quick to put all her worries and problems down to your marriage breaking up

[winnie]

Apparently the disruptive behaviour has been going on for a while [anger]

[jollymum]

I really feel for you, she's just reacting to the situation. Imagine if you were her, not an adult, and walk in her shoes. She's so mixed up, torn between trying to be there for everyone and it must seem like all the adults in her life are not behaving how they should. I am so sorry for your problems, break up etc. She's trying too hard to be grown up and everyone needs a good cry sometimes. School should be senssitive about this, daily report won't help because she already knows she's behaving childishly but can't help it. It must be easier for her to over-react to get sympathy and she's probably angry with you and her stepdad. Does she know the reason he left? maybe she blames you a little? It must be so hard for her seeing her younger sibling totally unaware of this too. Having a depressive best friend that's so needy won't help, again divided loyalties. Her dad sounds like he shouldn't be near her, what kind of adult puts that crappy stuff on a child Keep on talking to her, if she won't talk, leave her notes. Maybe ask her to write down stuff she's too scared to say out loud. Keep on cuddling her whenever she lets you. HTH (BTW my ds aged 15 has been taken away today to live with his dad for a little while, long story, but he's been a total shit, disrupted the whole family last night, but hey, he's still my baby and I love him Have to say, very relieved he's not coming back tonight and had to fight really hard when his dad made him apologise to me and he was filling up) Keep on being a lovely mum but take time for yourself too

[Marina]

Have they been more specific about when it started? I think their support and understanding is critical for you and dd.

[Blandmum]

Sympathy, this must be awful for you and dd.

re the being put on report, this can be very helpful, as it can help the kids to stay on track and makes them realise that people ar keeping an eye on them (in a supportive way). It works best when the kids realise that it isn't a punishment but a useful way of them taking control of their feelings and behaviour,

Can you get her to agree set targets that are easy to recognise and achieve?, say not being disruptive in the first 10 minutes of the lesson at first and build on that, rather than being set the target of 'being good' which is too wooly and difficul;t to achive. Agree some soft rewards if she can meet the targets....sound like kiddie stuff but can work very well with teenagers too.

Does her form tutor know what is happeneing? Can they possibly refer her to the Emotional Behavioural social services team? s(sounds grim but they can be excellent, seen it all before and can oftem implement councelleing help etc)

[Marina]

That is exactly what I hoped they were intending with daily report mb.

[Enid]

I typed a great long post then the treasurer came in and i lost it all

any chance of a couple of days off school to sit with you and have a cuddle and a really good chat about each problem to try and put them into perspective? Trying to regulate access to her bf sounds great but it depends whether she will resent you for it or not.

she sounds so stressed and exhausted. Dont worry about the crying it will have done her good x E

[sassy]

Sympathy to you. Have no advice to offer r.e most of the stuff, but do have some ideas about the school stuff, as an ex-Head of Year.

Firstly, when you see her HoY, I would explain about the marriage break-up. teachers see a lot of poor behaviour when kids act out stuff at home and are usually sympthetic. If DD is ok with it, I'd suggest that the HoY sends a note round her staff to say that"X is having a tough time at the moment, she is struggling to cope and can behave badly as a result can staff be patient plaese" etc.

What does your dd make of a report? Depends how it is viewed at the school - if it is seen as a positive way to help manage behaviour she may be ok with it; but if it is generally seen as a punishment t may well overload her further. If she doesn't want to go on report, could you see if the school will allow her to leave lessons if she is going to blow (maybe show note from HoY before she goes) on the understanding that she makes up any missed work at the end of the day? We have this system at our school and it works pretty well - kids generally start to learn their own danger signs and begin to control themselves better in time.

(I'd encourage her to reduce the amount of time she spends with/talking to her friend too - sounds like this is hassle she can do without at the moment.

HTH

[doormat]

winnie havent read other posts but why not organise some 'girlie, time together
for rg putting ds to bed and you and dd playing with hair,pizza,couple of alchiepop and having a chat and laugh
let her open up to you in her own time as she might thibk she is being a burden,even though she isnt
your dd will open up i am sure
hope all is well

[winnie]

Thanks guys

I haven't been told when dd's disruptive behaviour started at school. I will find out more about it when we see her head of year next week.

Her Dad isn't in custody but if it was down to me I would stop him from seeing her. She has changed since she has been seeing him. Frequently comes back from seeing him in tears and has never come back from seeing him saying 'I had a really good time with Dad'. She is just so loyal and because he is messed up and tells her EVERY detail I think she feels she should be loyal.

Her best friend is very like this too. Offloads on her and only ever thinks about himself. (In fact alarmingly best friend reminds me of her Dad when we were together!)

I think marina has hit the nail on the head with regard to why daily report is being suggested & although I don't want her to be punished (she is dealing with so much)I do think she has to take on board the disruption she is causing other people.

She is very angry with her step dad and I am sure she is angry with me too.

I think jollymum is right about why she is behaving in this way too.

She is having school counselling which started when her Dad reappeared in her life but frankly when she told me that the counsellor had told her that her dad as an alcoholic, drug addict needed some understanding and I obviously have issues with him I was furious and am not sure she is helping.

(Jollymum I am sorry about your problems. I hope they get resolved )

[winnie]

I have ummmed and ahhhed about posting this for days as it feels like such a mess and dd would not thank me but I am sat here crying because you are all so thoguhtful & helpful. Thank you

[winnie]

Would like to add some of the people I work with are drug addicts and alcoholics and I can be very understanding BUT my concern is about how his behaviour is effecting our daughter!

[Podmog]

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[winnie]

Enid, what you've said about regulating access to best friend is exactly why I haven't so far; I believe she will resent me for it bigtime. She has been grounded over different things and she has had privileges (such as her mobile taken off her) as well as curfews and extra rules regarding homework because she was just not doing any... or at least as little as possible.

martianbishop & beetroot, I am going to talk to her about her counselling and see where we go. I may go and speak to my GP and I will talk to her hoy about it too.

Sassy, thanks for your suggestions it is good to get a teachers perspective.

doormat, dd and I ha

[winnie]

ds... clicked on post... little monkey!

doormat, I was saying, I do try to do things like this with dd but tbh she very often cancels them or shortens them to be with her friend. He is completely ruling her life and from writing this and speaking to her HoY I am realising I am going to have to get tougher.

Thanks Podmog, I don't really feel liek a very good mum at the moment but hey I suppose we all feel like that at times.

[anorak]

I don't know if you know winnie but I really struggled with my eldest daughter (now 16) for what seemed like ages. She also had faced far too many awful situations in her life. My ex (her dad) was bullying and manipulative (the courts banned him from contact in the end).

Bless you for worrying about her when you are going through so much at the moment. I received a wealth of advice from mumsnetters when we were going through our worst times. Out of all of it, the things that spring to mind now are:

One of the best things I did was to try and have unstructured time with my dd, go out for a meal or whatever she wants to do, and talk about nothing in particular, don't try to solve anything just chat. It really helps.

Work closely with any sympathetic teachers you can find. It's reassuring to know someone is caring and keeping an eye out when she is at school and you can't.

I found I was treating her too much as a child. Because of the amount of grief she had experienced, she felt older than her years and I think found it quite insulting that I wanted to (as she saw it) try and control her behaviour with discipline. The more I tried to get tough with her, the more she rebelled and I had to step back.

Do keep close watch on her. My dd took an overdose at one point. Lock your medicine cabinet and hide the key. It's too easy for them when they're feeling upset.

Would your dh help? He may have opted out of the marriage but perhaps if you explain to him how worried you are he might help you try and reassure dd that she is not the reason for his going (they do have a tendency to blame themselves sometimes).

[MamaG]

Some very good advice here Winnie, I went through a bad time when I was 15 and had counselling through GP which really helped.

For what its worth, I think you're fantastic for being there for her like this when you are obviously going through hell.

Keep strong, you're doing so well and remember we're all here to listen to rants!.

[ggglimpopo]

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[ggglimpopo]

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[doormat]

winnie I think most teenagers become influenced by their freinds,
as long as she knows that she can come to you with her probs and are there for her
you cant do much more than be there for her and you sound like a wonderful mum

[winnie]

Have spoken to dd about my discussion with her Hoy and she just cried and cried. She didn't say anything I have told her she can come to me about anything even if she thinks I won't like it. I have told her if she can't tell me then she can write me a note.

I have also talked to husband and he is very concerned adn reiterated his commitment to dd. She won't talk to him at the moment so he is going to think about what, if anything, he can do to help.

She is out with best friend now.