A long post (sorry!) but I think my mum is near breaking point.

[mememum]

As I've said this is a longish post but I need advice to help out my mum.
I am the oldest of two and have 2 girls of my own. I have a half sister who is 13. As you can tell from her being my half sister we have different fathers. Our fathers are very different on parenting and I feel this is the root of the problem.
My Sister is being a nightmare. She has 4-6 tantrums a day which are now progressing to being violent. She can't handle being told off and when she has a tantrum it's like a red mist comes down. Ever since I can remember she has always had problems taking instructions it's like she doesn't understand what you're saying. Her father has never really been that involved with her but now her moods are getting worse his answer is to ground her and just shout.
How do you mums of teenagers deal with them when they do that tantrum thing? As the moods keep getting worse I think my mum is almost ready to leave. Any advice will help!

[Tortington]

tidy your room
stay in your room
take everyything you like out of your room
your grounded
dont speak to me that way i will be treated with respect and one/ all of the above apply for a month

the difficulty comes in keeping to your promise. its harder when they are bored and hanging around like a bad smell than it is to just let them off for some peace and quiet. however i find if they are bored there is always something needs doing in the house.



my 12 year old and 15 year old had a fight - they both ran away - had nothing to do with me until the worrying part.

15 year old is grounded - so is 12 year old
12 year old also had her computer disabled becuase of her attitude.

have told 12 year old she can go out until 7pm only if and when her bedroom is perfect. of course she is to lazy to do it, so thats her problem.

sticking to a punishment is mine.

[Tortington]

maybe someone else would like to help?

[jampots]

i only have 12 year old (& one 3 years younger who doesnt count for this purpose).

I usually start with tidy your room inc desk and if she's really had bad attitude "clear your wardrobe out"

Then comes removal of her weekly riding lessons and/or withdrawal of that week's allowance which I do prefer not to do because its actually given for keeping her grades up and keeping her room tidy.

If she's out with me and has a face like a slapped arse then I threaten to sing out loud and embarrass her as much as she's embarrassing me

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[auntymandy]

No help at all. But I have a 13 year old and she is really hard work. Needs alot of attention,sulks if she doesnt get her own way. thinks I am getting at her if I have a different opinion,I am hoping its just a phase!

[Copper]

bump

[Donk]

How is she at school? If she is having tantrums there too, she may need help to manage her anger - might be worth talking to her head of year, or SENCO. IF its not a problem at school, then, as the others have said its a case of establishingconsistent limits and boundaries at home, and sticking to them - which can be very hard. Behaviour 'shaping' with rewards for good behaviour, and manageable targets works well, but its not a magic cure - it takes time, patience and sometimes outside help.

There are several good books which look at behaviour management in the context of schools, but which would be sources of ideas. e.g. "You know the Fair Rule" by Bill Rogers (ISBN 0 273 63277 9)
Good luck

[cinderelly]

From the other point of view, I still feel guilty about how I treated my mum in my teenage years. Infact it was longer than that, it actually lasted about 10 years (sorry). But eventually I grew up and would be absolutely lost without her now.

If it helps try and find out what makes her tick... my mum and dad split up when I was about 13ish and my mum was really upset. I realise now that I have never had, and still dont have any patience with 'victims' (even though she was one!) and didnt know how to handle her, so basically I went mad and made her worse. Well thats what I put it down to anyway??

Am wondering if she's rebelling to the fact that her dad doesnt really get involved and is acting like this for some sort of attention. Maybe if he spent more one to one time with her, it would not only give your mum a bit of peace, but help ss too! Good luck

[mememum]

Hi everyone I haven't been online since I posted this thread but thanks for all the advice. In answer to you Donk I found out yesterday that she is having tantrums at school. One of her friends mentioned it to my mum in confidence. They said pretty much what I said that she doesn't seem to know what is going on when it happens. I think they meant the red mist thing I said.
Mum is trying the tidy room, if really bad computer taken away punishment idea but its not going in. She doesn't seem to care.
She wandered off in the middle of town on tuesday and mum couldn't find her. She had a tantrum because mum wouldn't buy her a can of coke.
If anyone else can recommend any books that would be great and I'll pass everything on.

[Donk]

As she is having them at school too, as well as having consistent boundaries at home with behavioural consequences - and this will only work if her Dad is onboard, and giving her positive attention when she is not kicking off - I would strongly recommend that your Mum talk to the school as well. They may well be relieved to know that home is concerned and want to help look for solutions.

If your half sister is feeling out of control of her feelings (and she may be unwilling to talk about this,)it may be useful having made initial contact, if your mum could talk to the SENCO about seeing the Educational Psychologist - or access this type of help via her GP if school is unable/unwilling

Best of luck.

[Gilli]

I don't know if this will help, but I have teenagers and I also have a lot of exposure to teenagers in the Youth Court. IME, most tantrums are caused by hormones, and settle with time. It is not our place to be our children's friends, but their parents, and that means setting boundaries that they can, and will, kick against at times. however, Mememum, I think your case is a little more serious and I would support Donks idea: she needs to talk to someone about the rage she is feeling. Personally, I would go via the GP if possible. Hope this helps.

[mememum]

Thanks Gilli. Mum has said about going to GP but was unsure what they would suggest. But I think its a valid option.
I think the problem lies with the fact she was never set boundaries as a child. I was but I had a different father - that has made a big difference.
Cinderelly I spoke to her last night and she wants to have a chat about it with me - so a good sign. She did mention about arguments between mum and Stepdad and I think this has affected her more than they realised. I moved out over 6 years ago and I fear she may have witnessed things that wouldn't have happened whilst I was there.

[mum26boys]

Can you find a counsellor for her to talk to? I know in my sons school they have a project called moving on, where the kids can go and talk in confidence to someone. It might be something trivial but to a teenage girl it might be the end of the earth?! I know how your mum feels my 13 yr old swears at me steals money out my purse. I try all the punishments and it doesn't faze him at all! and I stick to themas well. Best bit of advice I got was to cut the plugs of favourite electrical items so they can't be pinched back... at the plug by the way as my friends hubbie got bit carried away lol
Hope it helps

[coralswhisper]

I have looked a after a 13yr, she is my step daughter and has been since she was 6yrs old.

She has /does everything that is decribed below.... arguing, leaving the house, climbing out windows, many boyfriends older then her, smoking, drinking, lying, stealing...etc etc. etc.

The thing is all these things make you angry, which they do and with anger comes stress and shouting! All above is normal behaviour for children of this age and children that have been through difficulties in the past.Also for this day and age....it's different from when we were young.

I deal with her in these ways....

All decisions are hers to be made, at the end of the day this is an important thing to remember.

Absolutely NO shouting, this does nothing for you the child or their behaviour. Would you listen intently and with respect to another adult who was shouting at you...NO

Every word and rules that are made up are to be said in a normal voice and you as a parent must remember the rules that you say and repeat them as you did before. No changing the rules ie.. OK this time as you were good we will stop doing that or ok don't worry about. This puts the child in control everytime, this is something that should always stay with you... whether the control is visible or not.

A child must learn of consequences... find out the thing they wouldn't want to miss and explain....(you must explain at their level what you expect and what are the consequences are to be if they fail, time spans etc.)that this will be taken away from them for 1 hour to begin with. 1 Hour is nothing to a child and nothing to you but if they start realising that this then goes up every hour everytime bad behaviour is visible they will start to take note. Ideas like this are worth practicing.

Respect is the key and this takes along time to get off of some teenagers. You need to make sure that anytime they speak to you badly, swear etc. that you stop the conversation immediatly and remind them that that language is unacceptable. You musn't let one time slip, otherwise they then get the control back since you accepted a fuckoff in the conversation. Sounds long winded but it does work!

Never, never argue back with the child or show any sign of weakness just explain the rules and if need be, just repeat it to them over and over again in the same tone of voice until they realise you are not going to change your mind.

One more thing....Very Important.


TALK TO YOUR CHILD, Laugh and engage them.

You can not say "tidy your room", "Your Grounded", "Stay in your room" and class this as having a conversation or talking to them.

Why not include them in a discussion you would normally have with an adult, for instance " you never guess what happened to me today....".

Your children will start to hold more of a light for you if you just talk to them.

The reason kids react like all the things above is they have issues and pain like all of us but they don't have the mind power or maturity to deal with it.

If you carry on shouting and being demanding your children will hate you and in turn you will hate being with your child. They will not want to come home and niether will you..... thats not how it should be.

Children should always be told everyday they are loved and that they should be given praise everytime they are good, even if it's something as simple as asking nicely.


The decision to improve will always be the childs you can not push them into changing unless they really want to! What you need to make sure of is that you give them choices (which are always the right ones!) to decide for themselves. This way they believe they are in control, instead, you are all the time.

One more thing....
You need to decide what it is you are shouting at is it for normal behaviour or other. Don't shout at them for just be kids and doing the things that you did when you were young!


Good Luck

[ponygirl]

Gosh, CW, what a fantastic post! My eldest isn't 7 yet, but I've filed your advice away! Excellent!

[coralswhisper]

Thank you Ponygirl,

All I know is her bad ways are less often as she feels more comfortable knowing that her home is not going to be as angry as her.

Kids.. believe it or not love routine and praise. I also have a 6yr old daughter of my own. Praise is the best thing you can offer a child, remember all those times you wanted mum/dad to just glace over your work and just say "well done" even if they didn't really read it. It's the idea they are doing something good. It carries on throughout adult life, how many times have you felt fantastic and more driven when you have a review at work and your boss tells you your doing really well at this , your excellent at this, your improving etc etc. Then adds in the conversation that you could do better at this and that. As you have had praise from your boss for other areas you are more determined to work harder on the other areas.
You feel appreciated and respected something that some parents don't show their own child but expect it back.

Always put or try to put yourself in their shoes.


Give a little get alot back!

[SleepyJess]

Coral... I have just read your advice out to DH.. and am going to print it out! Our 13 y/old does not give us much trouble really in the grand scheme of things.. but both DD (age 6) and DS1 do speak to me in a way I don't like.. and I can see from your advice that I am probably to blame because of the way I speak to them! It's so logical really.

Do you work in child care?!

SJ x

[coralswhisper]

Hi SleepyJess,

Thank you, all I know is that it has worked for me and my children get more out of me and I get more out of them!

I don't currently work in childcare but have looked after many children and seen many behaviours, my friends always come to me for advice on different situations, they call me the child whisperer LOL.

I hopefully will be moving into childcare in the next 6 months, I am looking to practice child psychology more full-time also.

Coralswhisper

[SleepyJess]

Maybe you should change your name to 'childwhisperer'..

[jayzmummy]

coralswhisper....your post is possibly the best advice and support that I have ever read on MN.

I strive to bring my boys up in exactly the way you have written it.
Our children make mistakes, they are naughty sometimes and do things they shouldnt but how else can they learn?
By being patient and treating my boys with understanding and respect hopefully they will grow to become well rounded adults.

Well done you on posting such a brilliant post.

[mumbee]

Thank you coralswhisper I am also starting to put it in to pratice now especially reforming my approaches now while they are young maybe less stress for us parents in the long term

[coralswhisper]

Hi Mumbee,

100% - if you can practice these parenting techniques as early as possible you will recieve many rewards and more of a stress-free life later on.

[mother3]

Its a shame we learn from our mistakes i have had exeprience of 2 dd all use 2 getting thier own way and in the adult world this dosent always work.They should have bounderies but then if they r use 2 getting thier own way they rebel and run awy from home giving us even more stress.I agree set the bounderies early so they know where they stand.It sounds cruel but u dont know who they will meet up with who seem kind but r not.Dont let them be a victim of your kindness :{

[rainthepain]

i agree that consistency is important. But the problem is not all of us are the same. Have brought up 3 girls and not one is the same They have all gone through similar things in teen years. A lot will depend on the personality of the young person Is she like her father? Does your mum have difficulties with standing up to him. Your Step sisters behaviour may mirror her fathers and your mum, on some level may not be able to separate out the two. My eldest two are to a different father and yes they have been brought up differently because parenting is the combination of both parents involvement.My younger daughter is a bit more spoiled. I still think what works for one will not necessarily work for another. I know I have handled my younger daughters terrible tempers and abuse by walking away and then coming back later when she has calmed down and talked the problem through. It is very rare that I dont get an apology and she is made to examine her behaviour. She, like her father has a very short fuse and is capable of lashing out verbally when she never intended to.