Abusive DD

[toomanytimes]

Hi all

Tonight has not been very good. After confiscating DD blackberry at the weekend and then she disappeared all night without knowledge of where she was, as she lied, tonight we learnt that she had been in the safe and took the blackberry out, (must have left key in cupboard door on Sunday after a lot of worry!!) she has sourced a battery for this as I had removed it and hit it somewhere else. Anyway she told us someone at leant her it because she did not have one. The problem is that when we took it off her and stated that she could have it back in the morning she went ballistic, she started hitting DH over and over again, even though he kept walking away, she kept coming, slapping him and shouting right up in our faces, throwing things at us at the walls etc. Over and Over again she kept coming, he tried to restrain her and push her back in her bedroom to calm down but to no avail. She came downstairs and got a knife threating to use it on us or herself. To calm things down we stated she could have her blackberry back in the morning , I am sure it disturbed the neighbours not to mention our 8 yr DS. I do not know what else to do, Her Social Worker only seems to be what is in the best interests for her.

We are at the end of our tether. Any thoughts of what to do?

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Blimey. You don't mention how old she is, but IIWY, I would have phoned the police. Her behaviour is not acceptable. Hopefully it's all calmed down now.

[mummytime]

You are going to have to escalate this. Phone the social worker and tell her that you will have to phone the police if this happens again. I would also recommend phoning parentline plus www.gotateenager.org.uk/

[basildonbond]

sorry you're going through this ... however by telling her she can have her blackberry back has reinforced the fact that appalling behaviour gets what she wants

She doesn't have the right to hit you or your dh and she needs to know that that is not acceptable under any circumstances

Hopefully it won't happen again, but if it does I think you should call the police and she needs to know that you will

[noteventhebestdrummer]

it's a good message to give your DD that YOU need more help to manage...telling her you will call the police is a powerful statement that you are out of your depth if she is violent.

When our DS was this angry I am afraid it was always drug-fuelled. But on the occasion when I called the police and ambulance (he was cutting himself with glass from the window he had broken) it was a startlingly effective wake-up for him.

[toomanytimes]

basildonbond,

I quite agree with you but we had to calm the situation down, however this you will be surprised to know is the negotiating tactic used by a social worker, today when I spoke to the SW she told me that DD needed to surrender her blackberry tonight at bedtime, and although she will probably not, We her parents need to set the alarm clock in the early hours and remove BB whilst she is asleep. Now DD sleeps with BB under her pillow and when mentioned this to SW she pointed out that at some point DD will be in a deep sleep and try again, What about my sleep deprivation!! I have a full time job which is stressful enough. SW although acknowledged her behaviour it was well she has now got her BB a little bit early but this could be a good thing and move on. It seems that all the SW interests are with DD. I am tired, drained and worn down. So anything funny to make me laugh or smile would be great.

[moragsoverhereplease]

Hi tmt wow you sound like you are having a really hard time at the moment. I just wanted to say that your daughter sounds like me when I was a teenager. I gave my parents, my mum in particular such a hard time. I cringe with regret, embarasment and disbelief at my behaviour and the way I treeted her.

But I have thought about it alot and I really don't know what my parents could have done differently. They mostly kept calm were consistent with punishments, rules and boundries ect but not unusually strict. They just road out the storm with me for however many years. I couldn't now thank them enough for the love they showed me in the most difficult times I made for them.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say I haven't got to the teenage years yet, but the way she is acting now won't last forever and if I am anything to go by you will have a really humble daughter at the end of this who will spend the rest of her life trying to make her teenage yearsup to you! HTH in some way good luck!

[moragsoverhereplease]

I have just read your post again and it says she was threatining to use the knife on you and your DH as well. The only thing I can say is try to keep as calm as possible. I would have liked it if my parents had argued back with me all the time because it would make my actions more justified iyswim to have horrible parents who always argued with me took my stuff away bla bla bla.

Don't ever give in to her completely best not at all but if you have to come to a compromise just to calm the situation down then so be it. They best answer to I fucking hate you is well I love you with all my heart but you are still not having your blackbery back.

How old is she btw?

sorry if you have said all ready

[toomanytimes]

DD is 13 with only 4 weeks to go before her 14th birthday. Whilst we see it as looking out for her safety, she feels that we are trying to control her. Is it really too much to ask where she is going and who with, to be back in the home before it gets dark, however she can stay at a friends house as long as we know and we pick her up. I am having a hard time with the whole facebook and chat stuff on the computer and laptop as she is very secretative. I am sure she does not know all 700 people on her facebook page and more recently she met up with Boys in the next town, just like that, (that is the night she stayed out all night and we did not know where is was, because she was not where she told she was going to be). not even sure she knew them well. point is she thinks that she is invincable and able to look after herself, but at 13!! I don't think so. Found some very disturbing explicit chat history with a boy involving pleasuring herself, but webcam mentioned. Pleasuring herself is not an issue, the web cam bit is, hence no laptop in bedroom anymore!!. Never had this when I was a teenager. I need to split myself in half and then rotate myself so my head does not hurt so much.

[scaryteacher]

Why does she have a blackberry? Is it necessary for a 13 year old?

I would not let her have any computer time unsupervised and what she is looking at has to be able to be viewed by an adult at all times. FB to be banned.

I would also pick her up from school every day and if attendance at school is a problem, walk her in each day as well, and stay until the first lesson and she is registered as being there. The school should work with you on this.

Set boundaries and maintain them; tell her she is 13, you are the parents, she is the child. It doesn't matter if she hates your guts quite frankly, you are there to be her parent and not her friend.

I would also tell her that next time she kicks off and is violent you will be calling the police and follow through; you can also explain if you think she can deal with it, that if she continues like this you will be seeking to make alternative arrangements for her. Whether that is boarding school, or short term fostering because she is making your life hell is up to you.

You have the power here, cut off the money supply, no allowance, don't pay the bills for the blackberry. It's amazing that more parents don't do it. If she complains that you are treating her like a child, point out that she is behaving like a toddler and will be treated as such until she can prove that she can be trusted. Don't give an inch.

However, I don't have a daughter but a son, and the above would work with him (especially the cut off of funding as PS3 gaming would be severely curtailed).