Help with DD concern

[miascarlett]

Hi

I have a 15 year old DD and she is lovely, intelligent, talented and loving - she has recently revealed she believes she is gay, and although I am quite shocked, I am trying to accept it and have tried to be open and supportive. In the meantime, my ex husband (her dad) and I haven't spoken for many years - through his decision not mine(we split when she was young). She has a topsy turvy relationship with him, they didn't speak for a few years. To the point where we were discussing my husband adopting her as his own daughter and she wanted this to happen. Over the summer holidays she has become very friendly with her dad and his wife - which I am happy about (I have always wanted them to have a relationship) - she is also friendly with her step sister (who is in the same class at school. She has spent quite a lot of time with them recently and on arriving home yesterday evening blurts out that she has told her dad and his family she is gay, he had a "completely different reaction to you" (me) and is "very happy for her and supportive". She feels she would like to go and stay at her dad's place for a month at least as she feels very "at home" and relaxed there - and "free"

I am so upset and don't quite know what to do... Her dad is happy to "score points" as far as she is concerned. My daughter says its "what she wants" and I can see her when I want to...

I am really hurt, more so than I can really explain - and at a loss as to how to act. We always have been really close, or so I thought, and all of a sudden I feel shut out.

Help! :(

[loopyloops]

I don't have any experience in this, but I think the only thing you can do is speak to her openly about all of this, and allow her to do the same.

The pull towards her dad's house is probably a case of "the grass is always greener". Once she has spent a little time there, after the initial honeymoon period, she will probably find out how hard it is to live with people you don't know very well and particularly another girl of the same age.

At 15 she should be perfectly able to understand your concerns and feelings. Remind her hat you love her, and that her GCSEs are coming up soon, for which she will need your support and stability. Try not to make her feel guilty for her decisions but speak candidly about how you feel.

[dizietsma]

I came out at 15, it's a difficult time. Try and be patient with her. Also suggest you check out Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. There's also a PFLAG UK, but the website is less helpful, though the support groups may be useful to you.

You suspect her dad is trying to score points, so don't get dragged in. Just be yourself, be honest with your daughter that you are shocked by her recent disclosure and are saddened because you always felt close with her.

[miascarlett]

Thank you both - I am really struggling with all of this, especially the coming out part - and I know I shouldn't be. I have always thought of myself as open and supportive, and I feel so guilty that I feel this way - I know I am being selfish but I keep thinking its my fault - that her younger years and things that happened in our lives has made her this way.

I don't know what to do - we tried to talk yesterday but she is obviously really upset and stressed about it - and I don't want to make it worse - but i don't want it to fester with her and her feel angry.

I feel that I am totally helpless and have no control over any of this. I have tried looking for support groups in my area but unfortunately nothing local.

I wish I knew what to do :-(

[dizietsma]

When you talk about "fault" you are framing your DD being gay as being a problem, which it is not. No one looks for the "fault" when someone is straight, do they? I'm sorry to say that if this is the way you are approaching the situation, I'm not actually surprised your DD is upset with you.

Here's another parent support group. They have a phone line, if you can't make a support group I suggest you call them instead.

What exactly is it that bothers you about your DD being gay? Why are you upset with her for it? Can you imagine what it would be like if your mum was upset with you for being straight? For just being who you are? I think your DD is very brave for coming out so young, I know from experience that it is a very hard thing to do.