How can I stop a 14yo jumping into bed with a very unsuitable older boy?

[greythorne]

It's my niece. I am really worried about her. she is a brilliat girl, always been good-natured, hard-working at school, a real pleasure to be around. She's sensible and always willing to help with my DC (her much younger cousins). In short, a lovely girl. She's also recently blossomed into a lovely-looking girl. Very pretty, very slim, very attractive.

So, cut to the problem. We all went on hols recently, her family and mine. She was borrowing my iPhone to go on Facebook as is usual for a teen. So far, so normal. She was telling me about what was going on on FB and in fact, a lad in the year above her, who she describes as the coolest boy in the school had started to exchange messages with her. She was THRILLED to bits. As we all know, things can be written electroically very easily that would be very hard to say face to face and within two weeks, this electronic relationship had gone from passing acquaintance in the school playground to full on, hot and heavy emails via FB.

(Full disclosure: some of the stuff she freely told me about, but I must admit to snooping a bit...when she returned the phone to me, she often forgot to log out of FB, so when I opened FB for my own use, there were all her exchanges).

I know she can't be a child forever or even very much longer, but, but.....

....the stuff this lad was posting
(a) on his own wall for all his friends to see was pretty horrible, crude jokes, he sounds sexist and arrogant
(b) privately to her - such as, "tell your mum you are going to the cinema, but get the 93 bus round to mine and we'll watch a DVD together cos my parents are away" made me shudder. He was also asking things like: "are you in bed? are you naked?" etc

My niece is very close to me and I would like to have a chat to her but what can I do to help explain that sometimes the Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know ones are really just wankers and that getting involved with this lad has disaster written all over it? Without reinforcing his attractiveness to her and pushing her into his arms??

[compo]

How old is she?
I don't think you'll be close anymore if you tell her you've looked at her facebook
you coukd try a neutral chat about never having to do things you don't want to and how it's illegal to have sex before 16
you could also befriend her on fb so you can keep an eyeout for dodgy wall posts

[compo]

D'oh
ah yes 14!

[greythorne]

I know, I know! The privacy thing is really horrible. i know I shouldn't have and it has now put me in a really awkward position. I am not proud of myself for the snooping.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I second what compo says. Add her as your friend on FB, to keep a wee eye on things, and have a chat about relationships in general - is she seeing anyone, what sort of boy does she like, self respect, that kind of thing. She sounds lovely, and I'm willing to bet that she's probably beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable about some of the things he's posting, and maybe wondering how she handles things. He sounds a complete arse real charmer.

[ragged]

Disclaimer: I don't have a FB account, I sometimes look over DH's shoulder when he's on.

I really don't get this Facebook privacy shit -- is the exchange you saw on her account only possible to view if logged in as her or the boy? Or could any of her permitted friends see it? If it's shareable beyond those two, then it's not very private, is it?

Couldn't you lie and say you looked at his FB wall separately and he comes across as somebody who has no respect for girls? That'd be my angle: I get the impression this guy has no respect, he just wants in her pants. Is she sure he's worth it?

[Mamumu]

Ay ay ay! Yes it sounds like a disaster, and the worst thing is that I don't think there's much that you can do about it. Except...

• Try to boost her self-esteem, talk to her about how boys are supposed to be nice to girls, try to make her see that guys like this one are losers... Maybe find a good feminist book that shows her how to love and respect herself. She's so vulnerable right now!
  

• Try to see if she knows well about birth control, sexual diseases, etc.
  

• Be there for her when this horrible boy breaks her heart.
  

Sorry, I hope other mumsnetters can give you better advice!

[greythorne]

ragged
you're right, some things are visible to all, but these were private posts between the two of them (like email) which I snooped through / was able to see because she did not log out.

He does sound foul. one of his posts, on his wall which everyone can see was: "Wish I could eat this yoghurt but I can't cos I keep thyinking of hairy vaginas" WTF?

[usualsuspect]

Alot of teenage boys write drivel like that on their fb ..what they write/say and what they actually do are completely different things ..has as always been the case for teenage boys

[ragged]

Lewd language in itself wouldn't bother me -- that's what boys that age do! They all think it, whether or not they want to go public with those thoughts.
But if he's publicly posting all that, does he have anything else on his mind? Does he want his whole image to be based purely on the basis of his horniness? Are there any other aspects to his personality or is he just a would-be shag-monster? Again, does he care about her personally or would she just be yet another "hairy vagina" notch on his bedpost?

And yeah, if it were my DD I'd be that blunt about it.

[NW20]

I think you might be being slightly harsh on him, boys of that age say and write all sorts of things to their mates to look tough/funny/grown up/whatever, and often come across as sexist and arrogant, they don't necessarily mean half of it.

Nothing that you have said indicates particularly that he is not treating her well, it all sounds fairly standard teenage behaviour.
Plus, I wouldn't say that being the year above her is really cause for concern, that is very normal for kids at school. When I was 15 I had a 20 year old boyfriend, which I was obviously very proud of at the time but now think, wtf was a 20 year old guy doing with a 15 year old girl??? Weird.

I would talk to her and try and get her to tell you more about this boy and then just gently try and steer the conversation towards sex and see what she says.
Just reinforce that she should be sure she is ready and comfortable before she does anything, that you are always there if she wants to talk and that she should make sure that he uses a condom if it does get that far.
If she wants to, it is going to happen regardless of your opinions on the boy, and if you are negative about him when she likes him it will prob just discourage her from talking to you about it.

[greythorne]

nw20
I don't think I am being harsh on him...there's more to the story, such as, he already has a girlfriend; he was in a way two-timing his girlfriend by flirting explicitly with my niece, he slagged off his gf something rotten to my niece, he really does not seem like a nice lad at all.

[NW20]

Well if you don't put that in the original post then nobody can really make a fair assessment of the situation.
I can only go by the information you have provided.

[greythorne]

sorry, i didn't want to be too down on him, but the truth is, he sounds horrid.

He wrote things like: "i am pissed off with XX (girlfriend) and I have warned her that if she does anything else to piss me of, it's over and I'll be able to say it's her fault for pissing me off."

Didn't write all that in OP because it was already pretty long.

I agree the juvenile, lewd remarks are pretty par for the norm, however. But taken collectively, he sounds like a little misogynistic twat.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

NW20 - did you not see the following in the OP?!

"....the stuff this lad was posting
(a) on his own wall for all his friends to see was pretty horrible, crude jokes, he sounds sexist and arrogant
(b) privately to her - such as, "tell your mum you are going to the cinema, but get the 93 bus round to mine and we'll watch a DVD together cos my parents are away" made me shudder. He was also asking things like: "are you in bed? are you naked?" etc"

Or the later ""Wish I could eat this yoghurt but I can't cos I keep thyinking of hairy vaginas"

He sounds like a complete twat, even before the two-timing! Plenty there to make a fair assessment, I'd say.

[NW20]

Maisiethemorningsidecat yes I did see all that, he's 15, that is pretty common 15 year old boy behaviour I am afraid.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Pretty common? I disagree, but if that's your experience of 15 year old boys then you have my sympathy.

[Mamumu]

You can't keep bad boys away from her, but you can show her how important she is, and how she deserves someone better.

Anyway, with role models like today's (ie- celebrities, glamour models, music stars, etc), it's no surprise that young girls are willing to behave stupidly and accept misogyny as a part of their lifes.

[Mamumu]

notirednot, I agree with you... almost. If she tells her about how lovely she is and how attractive she is becoming, she might be just reinforcing the idea that women are supposed to be a good-looking, well-behaved piece of meat. Maybe she should add something that makes her want to have higher aims, or show her a few positive feminine role models?

By the way, I recently read "The Return of Sexism" by Natasha Walters, and it talks about how girls are getting bombed by sexism hence made vulnerable from a very early age. Worth a read.

[toucancancan]

Could you just let her know that as she's now growing up you are always there for her to talk to, to get advice about boys/friendships/anything else she may want to speak about.

And then just make sure you are coincidently spending more one-on-one time together than usual for the next couple of months so she has plenty of chances to confide in you should she need to.

[Jaybird37]

Depending on how much she has disclosed to you, I would ask her about his current gf and ask her why, if he lies to his gf, she thinks it would be different with her +/- how she would feel if he posted comments about her like that to his 300 "friends".

In the end though, there is very little you can do but tell her you trust her and be there if it all goes pear-shaped.

[fortyplus]

I have 15 year old and 16 year old sons and they certainly don't post stuff like that on fb! However - hormones are raging at that age - this boy is quite obviously a virgin

You won't stop your niece seeing him - after all he's the 'coolest' boy in the school. You need to give her some discreet guidance to discourage her from having sex... age of consent seems obvious to adults but not to teens as a significant % of her year group will already be sexually active.

[sorrento56]

From reading your OP O do not get the idea she is about to shag him

[NW20]

Maisiethemorningsidecat I'm not really sure what your experience of 15 year old boys is, but most of them spend the majority of their time trying to impress girls and their friends by generally acting in a way that they think makes them look cool or mature when really they appear to be complete arses.
I don't think you can judge their true character from the stupid things that they write on their Facebook page.

How this boy is treating his current girlfriend is a different issue, but that wasn't included in the original post so wasn't included in my first response.

Regardless of all that, the point is you really can't stop a teenager from jumping into bed with someone if that is what they want to do, all you can do is support and advise and try and ensure that they are sure that is what they want to do.