Do you search your teenager's room?

[UnquietDad]

I don't have a teenager yet, but DD is 10 (and often behaves like one!) so it obviously is something that we talk about a lot, as it will creep up on us before we know it.

I recently found out (won't go into how) that, when I was a teenager, my parents routinely used to go through the stuff in my room and "check up" on me.

Not sure exactly at what age they did this, nor how long it went on for. All I know is that everything must have been put back exactly as it was, because I was quite a meticulous, tidy teenager... I'm amazed I didn't notice.

I don't think they were looking for embarrassing diaries or jazz-mags. One of their friends had a son who took his own life at around the same time (I only vaguely remember about this, to be honest) and he had concealed a gun from them. I think they were just reassuring themselves I wasn't keeping anything similar from them. It makes me feel a bit

Maybe this seems a normal precaution to those of you with teens... Or does it seem like a huge invasion of privacy?

The person from whom I found out about this says we absolutely must do it with our children and that deceiving your child in this way is a small price to pay for their safety. I'd like to think I wouldn't have to, and that we'd know to look for other signs if one of our children was having problems... but what do I know?... Teenagers are a whole new world.

[IMoveTheStars]

My parents did this to me when I was a teen.

I'd like to say that I wouldn't do it as it offended me so much when I realised they'd been searching through my things, but I'm honestly not sure - DS is only 2 so a way to go before I find out.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Blimey, my DD is just 9.3 (although I know what you mean about teenaged), I wouldn't or at least I hope I wouldn't go through her stuff, I don't know.

[Goblinchild]

No, I haven't and mine are 15 and 19.

My grandad use to say 'If they're going to go wrong, they'll go wrong in their lunch hour'
He meant that there's always ways around and under and over any obstacles that parents put in a teens way.
We are fairly open about problems and solutions and discussions, and I'm good at 'reading' mine, but I couldn't justify the invasion of privacy that sneaky searching would be. There bedrooms aren't 'off limits' and we do tidy and clean and change the beds, so it's unlikely that a still or a stack of SM porn could go unnoticed for long. DD could be hiding all sorts of stuff on her laptop that I'd never find, but I don't think she is.
I trust both of mine, until they give me reason not to then I'll keep paddling along.
If I was seriously worried and confused about one of them, then who knows?

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Huge invasion of privacy.

My dd is 14 and I wouldn't do that. Mind you she is a good girl and I have no reason to doubt anything she gets up to.

re facebook and her texts, I would never look at those without her permission, however after a spate of nasty bullying, every couple of weeks or so i ask to look at her texts and her facebook, to make sure everything is above board. She knows this and is happy with it.

I do go in her bedroom sometimes to search for missing hairbrush or something, and freak out when I find a hidden cereal bowl under the bed, but that's a different matter!

[Goblinchild]

'There bedrooms' Their bedrooms. Suffering from collecting DD after a mixed sleepover at 6am this morning so she could get up to London.
There's another terror for you...
Mixed Sleepover after a party

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Hmm. Tricky one, UQD. I have two teens - 18 & 15. I don't search their room but I do occasionally go in to retrieve washing/do a quick tidy up - as well as to retrieve items of mine that mysteriously find their way into their rooms!

Inevitably you do come across things but, having said that, they are things that have been left lying around and not concealed in any way.

Or, PCs with Facebook/Messenger pages open.

Trouble is, if you read them/look at them then it can put you in a very difficult position in terms of what you do with that information.

If you don't do anything, you can end up festering on supposed 'information' which you could have totally misinterpreted.

If you do do something, you have to confess to what you've done!

I do think as parents that we always have to be on the look out for behaviour that may indicate something is wrong - but active snooping is probably going too far. (Although I think if I had a whiff of anything illegal such as drugs, I may change my mind on that front).

I don't think there's any easy answer to this question, it depends entirely on the circumstances.

(That was a bit of a ramble and I'm not sure if I've helped in any way!)

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Yes sleepovers.

'Sleep'?

[seeker]

You know, UnquietDad - if I had been your parents I might have done in the circumstances you describe. But unless something awful like that happened I wouldn't - and don't.

I have once or twice had a look at her phone or her facebook account - but only when I was concerned about something and felt that I could sort of justify it if she found out and challenged me about it. But I would never look at her diary, for example, because that's just her writing - msm and facebook have other people's input - and it's other people I'm concerned about, not her. IYSWIM>

[ThatVikRinA22]

i dont search my teens rooms. DS is 18 and DD is 13.

i darent go into DS room - id never get out again, my bones would be discovered under a huge pile of dirty washing, cups and plates several years down the line i fear.

seriously - massive invasion of privacy. id go ape if they searched my room, so as young adults id expect them to go ape if i searched theirs.

[Goblinchild]

'That was a bit of a ramble and I'm not sure if I've helped in any way!'

You made sense to me.

I think playing it by ear, based on your individual teenagers is the best way to go.
Not just copying what you think another parent is doing because you are unsure in your own relationships and parenting. Or paranoid about
What Teenagers Are Like And What They Get Up To.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

[Goblinchild]

Well, I though your DS learned his lesson about invading privacy and the need to knock rather well Vicar.
If he rummaged through your drawers, he'd probably need counselling and 6 months retreat in a quiet cave somewhere.

[seeker]

'seriously - massive invasion of privacy. id go ape if they searched my room, so as young adults id expect them to go ape if i searched theirs.



But 13 isn't a "young adult!"

[ThatVikRinA22]

[ThatVikRinA22]

x post...my was to goblin.

it just wouldnt occur to me to search my dds room - even at 13. what would/should i be searching for?

[GetOrfMoiLand]

BIWI - your post made perfect sense to me

I think it really is dependent on the teenager - if you have a child who gives you no cause for concern, then I don't think you have any right to search. If you suspect drugs/self harm or something, well, if this happened to dd i am sure I will change my mind.

My gran read my diary when I was 15 - I was horribly embarassed and it felt like a huge invasion.

[Slambang]

I've always made clear to ds that we 'reserve the right' to check his phone /room/ facebook if we are worried about anything. So far we haven't felt the need (but still only 13 so we have a roller coaster ahead to be sure).Ds knows that we trust him but we could in theory check up on him if we were worried. So I wouldn't feel guilty if I did.

I also tell him that unless he keeps his room in a basically hygienic state then I have the right to enter it for the health and safety of the rest of the family. As he is literally incapable of maintaining basic hygiene in his room then it means he has to tolerate my entry every now and then. I don't feel too bad at having a quick snoop in the guise of a 'get this room sorted now' type of nag!

[badgerhead]

I only go in dd1's bedroom with her permission & I have given up on her keeping it completely tidy, although it is better now than it used to be She is nearly 17 btw. dd2, who is 13 still is happy for me to go into her room & it is kept neat & tidy. Completely different to her older sister.
As a teenager I remember my room being untidy & I think my mum came in sometimes but not that often.

[seeker]

How on earth would a messy teenage room risk the health ansd safety of the family? I only tidy my dd's room if she begs - and offers to o something else instead. For example, sometimes she'll cook dinner while I tidy her room for her. But otherwise, if it's too bad I shut the door!

[AMumInScotland]

My DS is 16, I've never searched his room or even thought about doing it. I certainly don't think it should be a "routine" thing for a parent to do. Different if they are giving you cause for concern, and I think the "concealed gun/suicide" idea might have made me wonder if I ought to check up on things. But I don't think I would have done anyway, just talked to DS about the whole thing of teenage despair and suicide and made sure he knew he could talk to people (Samaritans etc if not us!)

DS can be a bit irritating, a bit sulky, a bit uncommunicative etc - but doesn't make me worry about what he's doing or what his friends are like. They sound like a decent bunch of people and those I've met seem like typical decent teenagers.

So - if you have no other reasons to worry, I don't think you should go through her stuff. But I'd not completely rule it out if there was a reason to worry.

HTH

[UnquietDad]

Thanks for the input, everyone. Very interesting.

DW and I are, as we always were, still coming down on the side of not actively searching their rooms as a rule unless we have a reason to be worried - and if we have a reason to be worried be will be alert to other things too.

[DandyDan]

I never "search" any of my children's rooms but I do tidy them sometimes when they're ridiculously messy. My kids are very open about most things - nothing is very much hidden or it has a designated place - "this drawer is private" kind of thing. My son was notorious for never handing over letters from college, intended for us, or imp. documents about his course, so he was quite okay about me looking through his piles of college notes and papers. I would never look at someone's phone or email or private computer stuff.

As some of my children have had some dark times, I'm matter-of-fact about going in their rooms and removing anything that might be dangerous to their health. None of my kids has any issue with their rooms being "private zones" or parents/sibs needing permission to come in (apart from if they're sleeping/dressing of course).

[rose1927]

I have not search there rooms ever having said that if I thought I was ever worried about drugs then I wouldn't hesitate.

[mumeeee]

I don't search rooms but do go in sometimes to retrieve dirty mugs.