My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Not even a teenager yet, but behaving like one... Grandparent complications. So distressed.

47 replies

tittybangbang · 22/08/2010 20:02

DD turned 11 a couple of weeks ago but it's been over a year since we've started to really struggle with escalating bad behaviour from her, to the point where DH and I are now feeling miserable and family life is shit.

A run down of the things that are hardest to bear:

Constant answering back and about 95% refusal to acceed to any request, however reasonable or routine. She will do what you've asked her eventually, but usually only after a lot of lip and rudeness, shouting, huffing and sighing.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, say, 'We've got to go to the park and walk the dog in a minute, can you get your coat', she acts as if you've asked her to climb Everest wearing only a bin bag. No matter how reasonably you try to explain that the dog needs walking, that we won't be long, etc, etc she'll carry on stropping. Usually at least an hour or so of shouting and moaning will follow, plus lots of aggressive and quite personal abuse particularly aimed at me. If she doesn't agree with what you're saying she shouts 'NO NO NO NO NO NO!' over and over again, usually very loudly over us so that it's hard to actually complete a sentence when you're having a 'discussion' with her. She also puts her fingers in her ears if you tell her off and shouts 'I'm not listening!'.

She's kicked holes in the door when she's been sent to her room, broken picture frames, torn up photos, torn up leaflets I use in my work. When she's in a strop she's insulting about my appearance and my age, ridicules my work, uses bad language.

She doesn't help in the house, is often aggressive and hectoring with her brothers, and won't do anything for herself if she can get me to do it for her (such as make a piece of toast or pour her a drink). If I refuse to do her bidding - usually because I'm frantically busy and it's something she can easily do for herself, she gets really nasty and it ends up escalating into a horrible argument.

Last time we had a really bad scene she reduced me and both her brothers to tears, throwing water across their bedroom, kicking doors, following me around the house from room to room screaming personal insults at me and her brothers. It was horrible, horrible, horrible. I ended up losing my temper with her when she tore up some of my work stuff, shouted and hit on her upper arm, which I sorely regret. I also ended up grabbing her by her upper arm and pushing her back into her room when she was screaming at me, and I left a bruise on her. I was just at the end of my tether as I was on my own that night and feeling really unwell. DS2 is only five and is very very hard work too - impulsive, disobedient and shouty. Between him and DD I sometimes feel like I'm going mad. Sad

What is complicating things is that she's spending a lot of time with my mum, whose attitude is that this is a bit of a 'personality clash', and that I'm being harsh to dd in punishing her by making her sit in her room for 10 minutes, or making her go to bed early, or by taking her mobile away or stopping her going out with friends. She begs me not to punish my dd, says dd can't help her behaviour because she's hormonal and unsettled by my dad dying in February. I agree that dd is hormonal and is also unsettled by my dad's death, as am I. But the bottom line is that she's making family life impossible with her attention seeking and selfish behaviour, and that it started long before my dad even got ill. And she's actually treated very well by dh and I - she gets taken out (on her own) by DH and me quite often, wants for nothing, is allowed to stay up quite late with me and DH most nights. She's not lacking in either love or attention. She gets spoiled rotten at my mums by both my mum and my sister, and is usually quite well behaved there - she has no reason not to be because she's the centre of attention and is rarely asked to do anything she doesn't want to do.

But in a family situation where she has to fall in with what the rest of us are doing and compromise - well, she's impossible. She just won't co-operate with anything and is rude and aggressive with it.

What am I doing wrong? I'm worn down with it and worried because of the stress she's putting on DH and her brothers, who are starting to copy some of her bad behaviour and attitudes. It's also making me resent my mum. Sad DD is aware of this and tries to play me and my mum off against each other. I just want my mum to back me up in disciplining dd.

OP posts:
Report
labradoodley · 22/08/2010 22:53

hi there,
poor you. sounds like you are really going through it at the minute. i have dd 12 who went through something similar around the transition from year 5 to 6.

One thing that strikes me which could be a point to make is that you say she is allowed to stay up till quite late with you most nights with you and dh, this is probably resulting with her getting tired. I know from experience that my dh is vile when tired and can be quite nasty. I would stop this tbh, esp with school starting up again soon.

It is absolutely unacceptable that she is getting away with personal insults, this is disrespectful and she will get worse if you dont put your foot down.

With regards to your mum, why dont you show her your post? print it off so that she can see in black and white exactly what your dd is putting your family through. mention that you need her support in this.

My dd is 12 and still says some quite cutting remarks which are met with withdrawal of my attention (sometimes upto a whole day in worse cases) to her which she cant stand. I wont speak to her, wont do anything for her til she apologises sincerely.

ive had to become quite hard and it was very very hard at first, resulting in alot of tears (her) and new grey hairs(me). But, the result is that in the last few months she is learning that being revolting to me or any member of the family doesnt get attention and a complete waste of time and energy.

Dont know if this helps, but just wanted to let you know that it is NOT you, and it WILL pass. Just be strong.

xx

Report
stleger · 22/08/2010 23:09

I used the word 'overtired' about my 16 year old a couple of days ago and someone mentioned it was an odd word for a teenager. I found dd1 got a bit less stroppy once periods arrived - she still has her moments - but 11/12 was like permanent PMT.

Report
tittybangbang · 23/08/2010 09:47

Thankyou peeps!

I was feeling so bad last night after a horrible scene yesterday afternoon. By last night she had calmed down and went to bed at 9pm without a fuss.

However, she didn't sleep - sleep is a BIG problem for her and has been for a while. When I came up at 11.30pm she was lying in bed awake and said she couldn't sleep until I went in with her, which I ended up doing. I didn't sleep well then and am now exhausted today.

She's got up today very contrite, and keeps hugging me and saying that she doesn't mean any of it. Also did her piano practice without too much trouble and played beautifully. So that'll give me strength to carry on a while longer!

stleger - I live in hope that PMT might have something to do with current crisis. She is a bit overweight and quite well developed for an 11 year old now - pubic, hair, breasts, slightly spotty. I know that teenagers go through brain changes that makes them constitutionally unable to see anyone else's point of view. I wonder if this is happening to her because of her hormone levels, and that being so young (she's only JUST 11) it's making life hard for her (and for us!).

Labradoodly - thankyou for what you said about abusive comments. You're right - I shouldn't have to listen to that. Even though they are coming from a child they are very sapping to your self-esteem aren't they? When you hear them repeated over and over again. I think I need to draw a line in the sand about the abuse.

OP posts:
Report
bottyburpthebarbarian · 23/08/2010 09:55

Watching this thread with interest.

I have DD1 (11) who is DC3 of 4 (if that makes sense) and it is a nightmare.

If I ask her to do something, I get The Face. Am going to tackle school shoe shopping today and I am dreading it already, because I will insist on Clarks or similar and she will want some cheap but trendy rubbish.

I too lost patience and pushed her into her room a couple of months ago which I regret bitterly.

The situation for me is complicated because me and her dad are separated, but I feel that she is using that as an excuse - the behaviour and back chat and attitude is atrocious and no matter what the "reason" is it has to stop.

Report
stleger · 23/08/2010 10:48

Oh no, not the shoe trip....my dd2 ended up in tears last year in Clarkes who don't stock anything really for such a narrow foot...We got some pumps with a strap in Marks (no strap falls off, due to narrow foot). Night before school dd1 pointed out that dd2 would be 'mocked to hell' for the shininess of the shoes. Spent two hours with two wailing dds, as dd1 decided to worry about something the same night....nobody ever mentioned the shoes, which lasted to Easter. This year we have two pairs of pumps! Which will fall off. (Big deep breath!)

Report
bottyburpthebarbarian · 23/08/2010 10:55

DD1 has broad toes but a narrow ankle.

Complicated by the fact that she broke her leg his year and her foot on that side is all thin from having the plaster on

She's already stropping about it and we haven't even left yet.

Report
AndTheHorseYouRodeInOn · 23/08/2010 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

deaddei · 23/08/2010 11:02

I agree that she may need more sleep.
Her behaviour is beyond normal teenage stuff- she sounds very angry if she is kicking in doors etc.
Maybe go to the doctors without her to discuss -then return with her if necessary.
My dd is 13 with ocd, and she has awful tantrums sometimes. We send her to her room and have to be really firm- I wouldn't let her go to a singing lesson at the weekend which mortified her as she had to call the teacher(who she loves) and explain why.
I too have done the grip of death/ pushed her into her room- so don't beat yourself up about that.
And yes THE FACE. Truly one only a teen can pull off.
I think your mum needs to understand exactly what dd does- write a list, ask her if she would put up with that sort of abuse.

Report
follyfoot · 23/08/2010 11:04

Ooo been there done that...

We've had exactly the same with my daughter. She's just turned 17 and is beginning to come out the other side (hurray) but until recently she was exactly the same as all of the above!

They do know exactly what buttons to press dont they, the abuse is so personal and made me feel completely useless. In the end I would either remove myself from it by going in another room or insisting she left the room. I have ended up in the bathroom (the only room with a door that locks) with the taps running singing loudly just so I couldnt hear it Grin

Forgive yourself for when things escalated too far physically, you know you wont do it again. Only those of us who have teenager like this will know that the most rational of us can become completely irrational.

I dont think there are any magic words of advice to offer sorry. I'd just say try to bite your tongue if you can when things get heated - to avoid things escalating not because you shouldnt say anything - you arent dealing with a rational person here! When you feel calm and in control, tell her how you feel about the way she treats you. It will sink in and whilst she might not stop behaving this way for some time, she will know the effect her behaviour has.

Totally agree that she should be punished when she has behaved really badly, and when she has actually damaged something, there should be an appropriate financial penalty. Your family need to support you in your punishments, not undermine you, and maybe you could make this clear to them.

Its easy not to want to spend any time with them when they are like this, but if you can make time for her and you alone together, its good to do something you both enjoy, just to keep some lines of communication open. How about the cinema or a show, so the opportunities for conversation and argument are limited Grin

Other than trying to head off arguments before they happen by not engaging in escalating conversations yourself, and setting a reasonable bedtime, I cant offer much practical advice other than it will pass, I can promise you that.

Report
bottyburpthebarbarian · 23/08/2010 11:05

DD1 starts secondary on Friday. So she is mortified at the thought that she Might Not Be Trendy Enough

She has wound her sister up and I have just sent her to her room.

TBH I have friends of my boys who are in their early 20's. They have offered to take her shopping. She adores/hero worships them and I honestly think next time I will let them and pay them handsomely because the stress is unbelievable.

And I think it doesn't help that it's summer and she's staying up so late.

Report
AndTheHorseYouRodeInOn · 23/08/2010 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pinkchoccy · 23/08/2010 11:32

Has she got anything on her mind or something that she is worried about? She sounds unhappy which could be hormonal at her age. Maybe some one to one time where you may be able to talk things through and a lot of reassurance. Maybe she doesn't like the changes as she is young and doesn't know how to deal with it. What about going back to school fears?

Report
stleger · 23/08/2010 11:47

Starting secondary is very scarey (I have done that 3 times and glad I don't have to do it again! Ds starting college though.) I found the first half term very hard at times, you never know what small thing will blow up, plus they are exhausted with timetables, teachers, journals, buses etc. If it is your first time to 'parent' it, it is equally exhausting. Have a look at the thread on ways to embarrass your teenager, bit of forward planning Smile

Report
bottyburpthebarbarian · 23/08/2010 12:38

I've two older boys but I think girls stress more??

Have just half heard a conversation between them upstairs and DD2 (age8) was saying

"You are not fat, you are perfect. How can you think you are fat?"

Report
sallyseton · 23/08/2010 12:56

Poor you Sad

Sleep clinic if sleep is a problem? Good sleep hygiene, no tv/games, avoid her spending time in her room if she is not actually sleeping (I know this may be very hard if she is teenager-y and wants her own space) do you have a playroom? Or a room that could be turned into a sort of kids living room? Bed routine- bath, pyjamas, book with lamp, bed. Same time going to bed and getting up every day.

If your mum is spoiling her rotten she may be finding the transition to being the centre of attention to being a normal part of the family tough. Ask your mum to back you up.

Physical activity may help- can she take up a sport? Good for hormones and appearance if she is feeling spotty and overweight. Ask her what she might like to try- horse riding, sailing, etc are good "interesting" hobbies for her that require excercise.

If she breaks things/ damages the house out of spite then she should do chores around the house until the value of the thing broken has been paid off.

Report
sallyseton · 23/08/2010 12:58

That should be, no tv/games in her bedroom especially not right before bed.

Report
tittybangbang · 23/08/2010 15:00

Thank you again everyone, am taking everything on board.

Took her to a kids play space today with my friend and her three dc's (baby, 5 year old girl and 8 year old boy). Had to go home straight away as my middle dc started being sick. Left dd with my friend and just know she'll (dd) be wonderful for her - she always behaves impeccably with other people, is kind and hugely helpful. Brilliant with babies and small children too.

Thinking a lot about the exercise thing. Think this could be a big help.

OP posts:
Report
bottyburpthebarbarian · 23/08/2010 16:08

Well DD1 in my case does loads of exercise normally, but she broke her leg just before the start of the summer, so maybe that could be part of it with her? I never thought of that.

Shoe purchasing went amazingly well - she saw a lovely pair of CLARKS shoes, tried them on, they fitted, job done.

Although, when I suggested she walk the dog I got The Face

She's currently on the computer and am about to try again with the dog walking

Report
stleger · 23/08/2010 16:50

Do you have dog licences in UK (I'm in Ireland). I have the licence in dd2's name for ease dog walking organisation - 'He's your dog..' My dd2 has never slept well, but i ignore that now. I make them all walk to school etc. as they aren't sporty.

Report
bottyburpthebarbarian · 23/08/2010 16:55

Stleger - yes we do but I think you have to be 16. Will check though coz that could be a plan.

Grin

Report
stleger · 23/08/2010 17:11

I don't think the age of the dog owner was queried - I think they are amazed anyone buys a licence to be honest.

Report
Mowiol · 24/08/2010 00:20

I absolutely know where you are are right now! We had all this with our girl.
She is now mid 20's, married and with a lovely little boy of her own. You will survive this - honestly - and she will turn out OK in the end.
The sad thing ifor us in those days was her brother retreated into his room as he couldn't stand all the screeching/shouting and she was so horrible to him at the time. He was a different nature and my MIL used to quite openly say in front of DD "you always tell her off much more than DS" This then gave DD ammo against us.
One thing I felt was that our DD behaved in "cycles" and I actually challenged her to keep a diary of how angry/sulky/moody she was feeling to try and establish if this was related to PMS. We had many a lovely screaming match late at night and God knows what our neighbours thought.
Sorry I didn't mean to hi-jack but just wanted to say hang on in there!

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

alisara · 25/08/2010 01:32

Interested in this thread. My daughter will be 12 in a couple of weeks and her behaviour can be vile, she starts secondary school next week.

Up late tonight as I am so distressed. I was living in the family home, my mother has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia and told me to leave.

I had to find a rental property for dd and i within a couple of days, luckily i found a lovely one.

Tonight she said she lost a cuddly toy (she still sleeps with them its a secret!) I told her its not here she stays with my mother and younger sister (sister in her thirties!) a night or two a week, as i moved a distance away and dont drive. She started to shout and scream at the top of her voice, this was a couple of hours ago - my house is a terrace. I walked into the kitchen (as it has a lock and said I need some peace, stop shouting) she blocked my way - she is my size and really strong and she kept screaming, i kept telling her to be quiet due to the neighbours and she kept at it blocking my way so i pushed her and she hit her elbow against the wall.

Well all hell broke loose, she screamed and roared even harder, that I am a child abuser and was trying to kill her.

Eventually got her calmed down and into bed.

I am terrified about what the neighbours must think, I kept expecting a knock on my door and I am terrified in case I am reported to SS, with all of her shouting.

My dd shouts a hell of a lot always when I dont give into her.

She always threatens me with her granny, who incidentally took me to court last year when I moved out of her home, (we lived with my mother) my mother didnt get anywhere but is/was quite abusive towards me although now with her diagnosis it is all clear.

I can see that my daughter is hormonal, starting secondary school and not living with her granny anymore.

But her behaviour tonight really has unsettled me.

Report
stleger · 25/08/2010 09:45

By coincidence there is currently an item on my radio (in ireland) about vascular dementia, a man whose wife has it; that is hard for you to be coping with in itself. Starting secondary is incredibly stressful, I don't think I realised how hard it was until my dd2 started. My ds had a couple of weepy times about homework which was unusual, dd1 knew a few people in her class, dd2 had full on hysteria a couple of times. Also she articulated her worries, the others were more bottled up. Will her new school have a guidance counsellor/pastoral care person you could speak to? I'm sure 'losing' her granny to her condition, and seeing her behaviour with the dementia, coupled with her own new challenges must be tough. As for the shouting - I am grateful that our house (which is badly built and too small) is detached, as dd1 has the occasional shout, stomp and door slam...

Report
alisara · 25/08/2010 14:55

The vascular dementia is awful, my mother is only 59. Anyways thank you stleger the pastoral care in her new school is excellent so I think I may speak to someone if this continues.

Today, she is behaving like an angel as if nothing ever happened last night. I brought it up and she told me sorry and was really surly with the sorry Confused and now is a ray of sunshine????

I on the other hand feel wrung out.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.