not even a teenager yet (12)and she's driving me arrghhhh!

[bluesky4]

I have a daughter who is 12 and I am finding life stressful with her.We don't have a supportive family, that can help with practical things (ie babysitting). I have another child who is younger.

So, now I've put you in the picture I'd like some advice.

When is a reasonable age to expect them (after some nagging!) to pick up their clothes off the floor?
To put stuff in the dishwasher?
She does nothing at all to help me.
I feel like I am just here to tidy up, pay for her clothes, clean etc.
When I was her age I was quite poor. I think I actually feel a bit jealous of her and I get so angry with her.
I do love her but I would like some support and advice.
I am thinking of when she is 16 I will say, I will not pick up your clothes, or make your bed. Do you think that is a good idea?
I am such a pushover and don't know how to improve the situation. The way she talks to me is awful as well and it makes me feel so sad, but she can't see that.
I feel like I am trying to buy her things to like me often, as I didn't have new things when I was her age, as I was in foster care.
Her Dad will back me up and she won't speak to him the way she talks to me, but when he is at work she plays up.

[PlanetEarth]

Don't wait till she's 16! Lay a few ground rules, and if she doesn't offer to do this stuff (she won't, why would she?), make her! FWIW we've had minor jobs for our kids for some years (put your clean washing away, help with cooking when asked, etc), which they will do when told to. However, sometimes they have to be told several times, and as for volunteering to do these things when they haven't been told, I might as well expect them to fly .

As for talking to you in a horrid way, kids are pretty lacking in empathy, even older kids. You can't expect her to see things from your point of view (after all, you're only there to serve her, aren't you? ), so again, you have to lay down some rules and some consequences.

[Stricnine]

We work on the principle that if dirty washing is in her washing bag (has her 'own' one in her room) then I'll collect it along with the household wash. If it's not there it won't get washed - I refuse to pick stuff up off the floor. Her loss when favourite top is unwearable - only happens once!

I don't nag about cleaning her room and if it gets so bad she can't find anything that's her problem!

I don't tolerate back chat or disrespect, I just walk away.

Don't fall into the buying things to 'make' her like you loop, it doesn't work .. she'd probably rather spend one on one time with you (but will never admit it if she's anyting like mine!) (ie girlie movie night in etc).

They never volunteer for anything!!

Good luck but stick to your guns :)

[deaddei]

I know what you mean bluesky4- we were poor when I grew up, and sometimes it makes me so cross that she "expects" me to buy her things. Usually it's because her friends have them, so it's peer pressure. And I ususally say no and explain why.
Definitely get her doing chores- dd (13) empties dishwasher in the morning, does some simple meals, cleans own room, strips bedding weekly.
Next step is ironing.
Agree with the other posters- don't buy her things, she wants you to spend time with her.
I didn't even like my dd much till she was 11 (for various reasons) but we are doing more together- walks, coffees, chats at bedtime) and I think we have a really good relationship now.
We are strict with her, but equally fair.
Good luck and don't give up!

[basildonbond]

sorry to burst your bubble twopeople but at 5 ds1 was incredibly helpful around the house - he loved doing things like chopping vegetables, hanging out washing, washing-up etc

now he's 13 and let's just say that nothing gets done without an awful lot of prodding ...

[jellybeans]

Mine have to do some jobs around the house (not much but they can't just sit around while one or two people do everything!) and they have to do those jobs and behave reasonably to get money/rewards (internet time etc). I won't pick up their clothes off the floor either. I just tell them to do it or visitors will see their underwear dumped in the hallway!

My eldest gets rude and bad attitude at times but has to learn it is not acceptable to treat people badly and expect to continue to recieve priveledges from them. If they were rude to a friend the friend would not just act like nothing happened, same with teacher or employer. They learn at home how to treat others. Seems to work OK for us.

[Tortington]

list of chores written out clearly and put on fridge - done in agreement with her rather than forced on her such as " i need some help and you are old enough, we can all do a bit of something, what are your suggestions"


for an easy life my preference is to leave their bedrooms to them. once in a while i may comment that they would like to use the washing machine (them not me)

so their rooms are theirs -the rest of the house is communally used and therefore should be communally cleaned imo.


oh and this shit never goes away - on asking my 17 year old son to tidy the kitchen tomorrow, he replied "how much will i get?"

" you will get my undying love" was my reply
" i get that anyway...i was talking cash!"

i had only ONE hour earlier driven a round trip of 20 miles to pick him and his girlfriend up to bring them to our house.

as for back chat. i dont take that shit, if your kid is suseptible to guilt - thats a good emotion...a chat along the lines of, you are hurting my feelings and i love you so much that i dont like to argue.

if that doesn't work = take their stuff

[Tortington]

the thing about the written rota of chores is important, saying the words isn't enough the negotiation and writing it down is important so everyone is clear on what is agreed - you may find that this goes right down to the minutae - for example clean the kitchen surfaces - may actually include ...and lift up the breadbin to clean under it!

[hopeless1]

Sounds a very familiar tone. I have now take the steps of not picking up her washing, making the bed, I just shut the door. If it is not in the washing basket, it does not get washed. Bedroom constantly resembles a council tip and goodness knows what bio hazards live in there, it smells bad at times. Forget loading the dishwasher that's Gross. Because she does not do chores even though she has been asked and regularly fed up with the pots sitting on the side. She only gets things bought for her now when she absolutely needs it, and try to only buy clothes every 3 months. I pay for toiletries etc and anything else she needs to pay for it out of her pocket money.

Someone said it will get better !!! all I can say is it better come soon.