Eating Disorders

[bobsgirl]

I wondered if snyone else has been in this situation and had any advice.

My DD was chubby as a pre-teen and at about 13yrs old stopped eating properly. We were obviously very concerned and allowed her to join a "Slimming World" group with my supervision so she could address her weight issues and learn about healthy eating (they have a special program for teenagers who attend with a parent. It seemed to work at the time, she lost weight, looked great and seemed happier.

A couple of years later as she began GCSE courses all the issues loomed up again. Despite being normal bodyweight she began vomiting after eating and was very anxious. We have since learned that the school she attended has very high rates of girls with similar problems.

Her A level years were horrid, a constant battle for her, our GP was unhelpful and the NHS does not seem to acknowledge youngsters like this until they are physically ill, ie really low BMI, self harm, etc. We paid for CBT privately which seemed to help a bit but not much.

She is now in her first year at uni and still struggling. I hate to see her so unhappy but do not understand as she has no obvious problems and overall a very nice lifestyle. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can help her? She says she still feels like "the little fat kid" and can't shake that unhappiness. Her stress stresses me out too and I don't know what to do.

[innocuousnamechange]

'Her stress stresses me out too'
First, you need to tackle this tbh. A lot of ED literature places blame on the mother which isn't helpful to read. ONly you know the ins and outs of your relationship, though referring to her as chubby and sending her to slimmign world tbh were probably mistakes. If she's at uni now (how btw? Is it not the holidays??) then she needs to access help there. It will be there, and in all likelihood be much better and easier to access than to the general population. It is a complete myth that you need to be at deaths door to get help or be taken seriously for an eating disorder. I am at the lower end of normal and am recievign help atm for eating problems. The CBT relly seems to be helpign me.

[GoodnightNobody]

bobsgirl, it sounds so painful for you as a mother to see your daughter go through this.

it also sounds as if your daughter is and has been struggling.

I had an eating disorder from my teens right through until my mid twenties. A traumatic, lonely disorder.

I had a difficult upbringing but supportive parents, but no amount of support (from faimily or councelling) could reach me. It took for me to realise that I had a choice to make.

I could either spend the rest of my life in chains, a slave to this disorder and my low self esteem. In which case I'd need to accept that I might shorten my life (being constantly sick, feeling suicidal), ruin further beloved relationships and continue to live in a very private, destructive world. Or I could attemt to accept myself as I was.

This meant accepting i was 'good enough.'

Eating disorders are a habitual way of living. For me breaking the cycle of being sick after eating was key. As was recognising feelings of anxiety and finding other ways of dealing with and rationalising these. You see being sick, I thought gave me control, was a release and a ritual to get me through each and every day.

I have a healthy relationship with food now, but I do regret the years I spent torturing myself. I lost so much and could not accpet the love of some very good people then.

For your daughter it will mean alot that she has been and can be open with you. An eating disorder is hard to admit to, to know you love and accept her will mean everything.

It sounds as if you have tried to support her emotionally and practically e.g with GP.

Unfortunely, it is in her hands as to whether she is ready to move on.

I know that with me I had to reach rock bottom to be able to come back up again. It took discipline and alot of kindness towards myself to relearn a relationship with myself, self esteem and food.

You say that she has a 'nice lifestyle' and 'no obvious problems' and therefore struggle to understand. I can get where you're coming from but self esteem issues are very private, very fundemental and can be crippling (whislt often completly irrational to others), meaning an individual can't enjoy life and it's blessings fully if they don't feel worthy.

I am sorry that she is going through this. I waish I could offer some more practical advice.

I think a good councellor might be worth looking into- but check their credentials and relevant experience. I did have councelling but wasn't able to make good use of it, wasn't able to be open enough at the time.

Your daughter will come through this, it is a painful road. The best you can do is stand close to her and be there to hold her hand and to listen without judgement when she needs you.

[bobsgirl]

Thanks for the advice. It's easy looking back to see what may have been mistakes but it's hard to know at the time and we did everything with the best of intentions. I must stress we would never have referred to her as chubby. My intention in using that word was to convey to you folks that she was not clinically overweight or obese just had a little puppy fat at that age. She is, and always has been, incredibly beautiful.

She is home for the holidays atm which is why I know things are bad again. She seems to find things harder when she has free time.

I do know that mothers are often blamed but would say that we do genuinely have a good relationship. We have talked about this at length and she tells me she cannot think of any link to her family relationships, etc. She says she knows she has a lovely life and can't explain why she feels so bad.

I'll suggest she thinks of help at uni. Maybe it's just our area that's poor on provision but it was a doctor specialising in mental health who told us that help was not available until sufferers were physically ill and we have met other families in similar positions locally

It's great to hear that it is possible to survive this and get through to feeling good. Thanks for the message of hope, I needed some reassurance :(