Substance Abuse - recognise the signs

[ambertouch]

As a mother who has been to hell and back because of my son's drug addiction I feel compelled to support and share experiences with anyone in the same nightmare situation or who suspects their teenager is involved in substance misuse/abuse. It wrecks families and the knock on effect is devastating. It can be extremely difficult to spot the signs as teenagers are by nature moody and difficult and it is therefore important to tell the difference between "adolesence" and something more sinister

[Tortington]

your experiences will be most welcome i am sure, when someone posts of a problem , you will he handy to have around on mn

[noteventhebestdrummer]

I trusted my DS for far too long, I wish I had caught him out sooner than I did but he was very good at lying convincingly and very sincerely.

It's VERY hard to know where the line is between normal moodiness and drug induced personality change until you get to a crisis point.

[ambertouch]

Oh absolutely! The lying is extremely clever and the child you thought you knew through and through suddenly becomes a stranger. The deceit, if not so evil is almost impressive. I hope you are getting through it

[ambertouch]

After a 5 year battle my son is now recovered and has been for 2 years. I want other parents in the same situation to know that it is possible. God it is not easy but some of the advice I was given back in the early days led me to believe there was just no hope and that's why I feel I have to offer encouragement to other parents. Of course sometimes it does end tragically and for those victims I feel so strongly that parents should be more informed of the danger signs... unlike me.... who truly believed that when my son asked me to save empty cereal boxes, they were for a school collage and not as tool used in the smoking of heroin! The list of tricks is endless and I could write a book. Maryz your friends are probably scared and your brother obviously has no idea - nobody does until they are in that situation. I don't know what substance he is using and how far into his addiction he is but grounding didn't work for me. He climbed through his bedroom wearing only boxer shorts in winter temperatures of minus 4 degrees. Me and my husband once took it in turns to keep a 24 hour watch over him for 5 days and when we let our guard down for just half an hour a "mate" climbed onto the convervatory roof to hand over the goods through the window. How naive we were back then. Don't suffer in silence. There are more and more support groups appearing in all areas. Some are particularly for parents all in the same situation to simply get together and "support" each other. It is a great help to know you are not alone and believe me Maryz you are NOT alone.

[ambertouch]

I'm very pleased you've found some help for yourself. Sometimes just a few kind words, even by email can go a long way and if ever you need them.... feel free. I sincerely wish you and your family well

[noteventhebestdrummer]

My DS (17) has left school and left home.

He seems well and has a job, says he isn't taking anything. But who knows. He would say that wouldn't he? He took Mephedrone and Ketamine for months last year and the impact on all of us has been terrible, especially our youngest DD.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

I agree that I do feel I need to make superhuman efforts with my DS until he is 18 and at the moment things are OK. Probably.

Maryz, although this sounds awful, have you considered trying to get your DS sectioned? Or is there a charity that would house and support him? How open to help is he?

[pinkchoccy]

ambertouch what a fantastic thread you have started I have a son now aged 20 who has taken us all as a family to hell and back. Nobody else can understand this until they experience it. My son started smokin cannabis at aged 13/14. He has also done lots of other things since. He is not the same person now, but we have reached a kind of a milestone as he is now undergoing counselling and has been to see his doctor. Things are still very difficult though. We are all shattered physically and mentally with it all. I agree how everybody needs to be aware of how drugs ruins lives and the signs that you need to be aware of. We were very niave too and there was no way I could have kept my son in. The same with us he would be out the window, lads would call for him at all hours and no kind of weather conditions would stop him. It was absolutely horrendous. He is now suffering mentally though as he is very paranoid and can't make new friends or cope with family get togethers or going to college etc. I wish I hadn't been so niave we were absolutely clueless.

[pinkchoccy]

Maryz you gave me some good advice in my previous thread. I am in the same situation as you say that your son couldn't survive the street, mine couldn't either.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have two DS, aged 18 and 15 and no clue what to look out for.

As far as I know, neither is involved in anything, but DS1 has an increasingly varied social life. DS2 has just started to explore alcohol (that I know definitely - have no idea if it's just alcohol).

Any first warning signs would be much appreciated.

I'm so sorry that you have gone though these terrible experiences but really appreciate your desire to help/warn others.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

He's living with his older GF.

I know what you mean about them feeling unloved - they really can't see how we spend 24 hours a day worrying about them! Would your DS take anti-depressants? I know it seems like a tiny thing to try but it might help! Would he take them to help YOU even if he thinks he is OK?

[ambertouch]

In response to BecauseImWorthIt - there are so many drugs out there and the cost/preparation/effects of them vary massively and going into each and every one would take days but DS has done ALL OF THEM and I mean ALL OF THEM so here are some of the early warning signs that I wish I'd cottoned on to.
Increased secrecy and change of friends with new faces appearing out of the blue. Facial expressions that seem "different" but you just can't say how as there may be no obvious signs like pupil dilation etc. Change in sleep pattern. Abnormally verbally aggressive when time to get up. Restlessness during sleep - thrashing around and loud mumbling. Increased phone calls/texting, usually silly times like 6am. Unexplainable loss and/or gain and/or swapping of personal items like mobile phones. Unrecognisable aromas in the house. Tin foil being ripped off or disappearing completely. Spoons/knives disappearing or stained with scorch marks that don't wash off. Empty 2 litre plastic bottles being hoarded. Tiny pin prick scorch marks or burn holes appearing in several items of clothing. Pockets stuffed full of sweet and chocolate wrappers (far beyond the usual teenager junk food habits) - this is a classic sympton of heroin withdrawal as the craving for sugar goes right through the roof. Wearing far too many layers of clothing for the weather - another sympton of heroin withdrawl which is feeling cold even on the hottest day of the year. Extra requests for pocket money and nastiness when refused.
Bet you all think "how could this woman not see all these signs?" and this is the most alarming bit - whenever I raised any suspicion with DS, the explanations and denials were so clever and convincing that I began to believe I was neurotic and overdramatic and almost sought professional help for my paranoia.
Obviously as drug use increases and takes hold the symptoms then become blatantly obvious but by then it's often too late so what I would say to all mothers of teenagers is .. Trust your instincts. Mother's intuition is a wonderful thing and if you feel "something's not right here" the chances are something isn't right. It might not be anything serious at all and I certainly don't want to turn every mother into a suspicious neurotic wreck, I would simply say "Listen to your instincts." If I could prevent just one other family from having their world wrecked I would be happy.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

One of the clearest messages I got was through talking to one of DSs friends - via MSN so DS didn't know. He was stupidly loyal enough to DS to not tell me what he was taking but it was enough that he said 'I am very very worried about him'. That was enough for me to act but that was a long way down the line of seeing the symptoms above and being convinced that was the crazy one by DS.

[pinkchoccy]

Maryz things are a lot more settled but he came in on Thursday night stoned from cannabis and went out last night. He has an attitude off that he isn't a drug addict and can take it or leave it. He has done two weeks of staying in completely and wanting to keep away from friends who all do the same things as him. The friend he went out with last night smokes cannabis all the time. So don't know how genuine he is with wanting to change habits. We have parental gaurdianship of his son who is now 3 years old. He was taken into fostercare at birth because my son and his girlfriend was taking drugs.So our situation is even more difficult.

The first signs of my son changing from taking drugs around the age of 13. He was falling asleep at school, coming home from school late, change of friends, mithering for money constantly, cutting up empty bottles, sleeping and unable to wake, going out in the middle of the night through the window, going missing and not coming home, stealing things, selling things, awful temper, damaging doors, cupboards in a rage. Unable to reach on any level as he had I couldn't care less attitude. Getting into trouble with the police.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

ambertouch - thank you.

I'm all too well aware just how difficult it must be to spot the signs, as it's also a time of their lives when teenagers start to 'withdraw' from the family anyway, to develop their own independence and social lives.

DS2 suddenly seems to have a wider social circle, and it includes children I don't know, from different schools, so I'm trying to keep a close watch on what's going on with him. 'Hopefully' so far it's just alcohol.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

Maryz this will sound ridiculous and the biggest cliche (can't do the accent) ever.

One thing that has helped DS is that we got a puppy last summer. He loves that dog! And she unconditionally loves him (and everyone else but still). Sometimes I have worried about the dog licking him (gothic sigh, this is not a normal worry is it? I don't want the dog to lick bad things off the kid!!)but in general it is just a fabulous positive thing - the kid has an unconditional fluffy admirer and I have succeeded in getting DS to (sometimes) do practical things for the dog when he won't do anything for any human except his needy GF.

[pinkchoccy]

noteventhebestdrummer my son got in with a girl at 15 who was older than him also. He moved in with her and lived with her. That was more difficult to get involved as they were able to shut us out. She also very needy.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

pinkchoccy is he still with her? Do you know her parents? Are they any use?

maryz that does sound like he still has the capacity somewhere to love something though...could he and DS2 share a new pet or would that make fireworks?

[pinkchoccy]

Hi noteventhe bestdrummer no he isn't still with her but it took along time for him to break free. Having said that they can be very secretive. Her Dad has died her Mum isn't interested her and her siblings were all removed into care.

Maryz the only way my son would leave would be the same to throw him out. Living with us is the lesser of the two evils as the worry when he is away is awful. He is very hard to livewith and doesn't seem to have the ability to do anything at all for himself. He would never be able to run a house. He has never held down a job and has no ambition at all. He is now saying there isn't anything wrong with him and it is us. Our life seems to be a misery. He has gone back to smoking weed and doesn't think there is a problem. My son is the same with his brother very jealous and aims all his anger at him also.