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Teenagers

DS1 has been away for a week and the house is much happier without him

13 replies

ptangyangkipperbang · 31/07/2010 13:26

DS1 age 12 is away with scouts for 10 days. I feel really guilty because life has been so much easier without him. His younger brothers have got on brilliantly, there's been no shouting or slamming doors, DH is far less stressed and it's likea cloud has lifted.

I thought I'd be ticking the days off until he came back but I'm actually not looking forward to it

I'm not sure why I've posted. I know I can't let him know how it's been without him and I just feel so guilty.

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popmum · 31/07/2010 13:35

no experience of teenagers as a parent but you may find the experience of being away changes him in some way? My dad always said when i went away with guides i came back a different person (not sure for better or worse though!).....

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Earlybird · 31/07/2010 13:49

Can you identify when things got tricky with ds1, and why?

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ptangyangkipperbang · 31/07/2010 13:57

I don't think he's particularly horrendous for a near teenager but he does have mood swings, quite a short temper, etc - prob quite normal.

He can be lovely and is great company. He's got a great sense of humour and we do have fun together.

However, if he doesn't get his own way he is really horrible. He also never knows when to keep his mouth shut so what starts as a minor telling off escalates rapidly.

I just feel so awful because much as I love him it's been so much easier without him.

So much for absence makes the heart grow fonder!

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ptangyangkipperbang · 31/07/2010 13:59

I'm also worried that his brothers will resent him when he gets back because they keep saying how nice it is without him.

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noteventhebestdrummer · 31/07/2010 16:04

Well you can be honestly really pleased to see him again so that's a good start isn't it? But at the same time because it has been calmer without him you can summon some new toughness in yourself to manage how to deal with his moods better in future so that he is not allowed to be so awful!

He won't have been able to get his own way while he has been away so maybe you can jump in and start with new energy in getting him to be a good 'team player' - can he also have some new positive attention or reward in return?

Maybe just walk away from him when he is mouthing off too - mine love to have the last word and they can have it, I am not going to be provoked! I curse a lot under my breath though and WALK!

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booyhoo · 31/07/2010 16:08

10 days away with scouts may make him feel a bit more grown up, maybe a good time to introduce chores and rewards for mature behaviour?

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cat64 · 31/07/2010 16:12

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ragged · 31/07/2010 16:13

We had same experience when 8yo DD (the most amenable and least prone to fighting of all 4DC) went to Brownie Camp last summer; it's not about the character of the absent child so much as a respite in usual family dynamics.

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stleger · 31/07/2010 16:32

Even when everyone is in bed there is a different 'feeling' if someone is away. A break is good for everyone in our household - it doesn't matter which one goes.

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IloveJudgeJudy · 31/07/2010 22:22

I agree with cat64. It's not particularly him being away, it's just a different family dynamic. It was the same when any one of our three was away for a few days. The house was much quieter (meaning much fewer arguments).

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ptangyangkipperbang · 01/08/2010 01:00

Thank you for all your posts. I do agree that with 3 children when 1 isn't there the dynamic changes but I think this has been emphasised because DS1 is the one that usually has a negative influence.

I agree that it's easier to walk away when he's mouthing off but it's so difficult. I think this will have to be my resolution when he comes home.

It feels like we've all had a bit of respite while he's been away so perhaps I'll have a renewed energy to cope!

I think I'll try and see his homecoming as a bit of a new start. Welcome him back, emphasise how mature he can be and how impressed his leaders were with him (I'm anticipating that he's been great for THEM - never sure if that's good or a kick in the teeth for me!) and then emphasise that our family are a team too.

I still feel guilty though but hopefully his trip will be a turning point for us all.

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noteventhebestdrummer · 01/08/2010 08:18

It's a good thing if he's behaved well for the scout leaders!

They save their horrors for the people they know love them whatever, unfortunately. My mantra is 'remember you don't like what he's doing but you do love HIM'

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ellie1234 · 20/08/2010 20:15

could it have been a happier home because his younger brothers were getting more attention?

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