Garlic's flat arse

(70 Posts)
garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 15:39:16

My arse has fallen down overnight! I swear it was bum-shaped yesterday. Today it's merged into my thighs. Most alarming grin

I'm no fan of 'programmes', as some of you will know, and am too ill to do proper exercise (long-term, not flu.) But I can do a set of back-kicks once or twice a day. And start a thread, so I feel obliged to keep it going!

Everything else went south years ago. My backside is was all I have left.

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 15:42:30

I might post photos, but am too depressed about it to immortalise the Fall Of Arse right now.

Apparently it's called a Donkey Kick. Starting in one minute!

FoxyHarlow123 Sat 02-Nov-13 16:20:39

Kettlebells and squats are your friend.

ouryve Sat 02-Nov-13 16:22:37

My arse was at its best when I walked down a steep hill with bags of shopping, several times a week. Though having said that, the hill alone would be too much of a challenge for my poor knackered knees, these days.

thepurplepenguin Sat 02-Nov-13 17:17:54

Squats and lunges.

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 21:17:25

Haha, you lot aren't really getting the reason for my body's total gravity compliance, are you? Can't walk half a mile on the level without collapsing (sometimes literally.) Have to go upstairs on hands & feet. Squats, lunges & kettlebells will put me in bed for a fortnight, which might defeat the object somewhat. Welcome to chronic fatigue syndrome, the bastard.

This issue with CFS is that training doesn't make you fitter. I walk a mile (with collapses) every day I can walk, but the half-mile threshold never changes. I'm hoping that 'toning' exercise might work better, as it isn't really about fitness iyswim? Well, I'm telling myself that anyway.

I can do the kicks because I'm resting on the floor, and it's only one set of large muscles being used - did six today and was prostrated, but I'm sticking at it <wails pathetically> I've still got a pair of 1kg ankle weights from my fit days so, if I manage to get up to 20 each side, will try it with them.

Thinking about it, I could use the ankle weights for slow leg lifts while supporting myself against a wall, too smile Slow lifts always used to get me fast results; let's see if they still do ...

The rest of me may have 'gone', but I'm not letting go of my arse without a fight!! Any fellow MNers with dysfunctional bodies and one target body part are welcome to join me in a humiliating battle against full body sag wink

And I will do photos. I can't think of a more excruciating motivator!

Littlefiendsusan Sat 02-Nov-13 22:26:09

Fellow saggy arse Mner joining in.
Really have been meaning to do something about the sudden jelly- like quality that has replaced my once firm butt.
Checking in here will ( hopefully) help with motivation. I've been meaning to do this :
30dayfitnesschallenges.com/classes/30-day-squats-challenge/#_
Foxy what do you do with the kettlebells?

Could you perhaps try some of the more gentle yoga stretches to help with toning? I don't know much at all about CFS so I don't know if that would be beyond you.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 02-Nov-13 22:43:52

Och, I'm joining too! Ill do pics....my mate old me I had a flat arse years ago...now I see she was right.

Ill do pics, I really will.

As chronic fatigue for two years, garlic, I know what it's like, you have my sympathies.

Littlefiendsusan Sat 02-Nov-13 22:44:46

Shit,sorry just re- read that squats are off limits for you,so link is hardly helpful blush

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 22:59:37

Thanks for the sympathy, Fergus smile That's a good point, OLL, about choosing the less taxing bits of yoga. I used to do a 'power' version, which would be a pretty stupid idea now, but you've encouraged me to go and find some nice, beginner-friendly tutorials. If nowt else, it will help with balance.

Can't believe I'm almost feeling enthusiastic about this now ... ! Or maybe that's the beer talking wink

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 23:03:05

No worries, susan, you do your bum-shred and I'll join you - in spirit - with ONE, solitary, careful squat grin Each to her own and all that.

RandallFloyd Sat 02-Nov-13 23:06:50

I'm in.

I've lost 5 1/2 stone this year, approximately 2 stone of it directly from my buttocks.

My arse is now flatter than my stomach. Oh the irony hmm

Rattitude Sat 02-Nov-13 23:19:16

I have given up on my flat arse. I have invested in M&S's Sculpt and Lift jeans instead. The effect has been pretty miraculous! wink

thepurplepenguin Sat 02-Nov-13 23:24:25

Sorry garlic, my earlier post was not v useful. Have you looked at callanetics? There was a big thread on it about 6 months ago.

Lazysuzanne Sun 03-Nov-13 01:50:38

Could you do something like this exercise?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFwAEP6Jnjw

peasandlove Sun 03-Nov-13 08:23:09

pilates..

notyummy Sun 03-Nov-13 08:51:30

Callanetics. It's v v slow and controlled but really works. Try looking on Amazon for books or DVDs. They are 80s-tastic but just ignore the leotards (and the worrying tachey bloke in the DVD.) Would def recommend.

madmomma Sun 03-Nov-13 08:56:10

God yes callanetics is a miracle worker. It gives you a fabulous, high curvy arse. It's no impact too,with no aerobic element. Maybe you could just do the arse bit? You only need to do it twice a week.

ouryve Sun 03-Nov-13 14:27:29

garlicbutter any chance to securing some hydrotherapy sessions or getting to aquafit? The water supports your weight, and you can use woggles, or hold onto the side for a lot of exercises and the toning exercises are really small movements.

ouryve Sun 03-Nov-13 14:31:38

As you might have guessed, my body's given up on me, too. HMS. sad

The one thing I can do is walk. Not down steep hills, though, and nowhere near as fast as I used to.

garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 14:40:03

Right, I've sent off for the Callanetics DVD. From a quick browse around YouTube, it looks a lot like my old dance & Pilates exercises - I learned them in the early 90s, so my teachers will have known Callanetics. Some of these I absolutely will not be able to do, as they required sustained effort, but I reckon it'll be good to 'rediscover' those muscle groups in any case. Lazysuzanne, I liked the series your video comes from, so have subscribed.

Am still reeling somewhat from the shock of having started an exercise thread grin

garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 14:47:17

Ouch, ouryve, HMS rules out most forms of exercise, doesn't it? Unless you don't mind having to re-set your joints as you go confused wink

YY, exercising in the pool would be helpful - but it's a mile walk to the pool! I can probably improvise sufficient support with cushions & things. With that in mind, I've ordered an electric pump for my blow-up ball. Do you do aquafit?

Has anybody noticed I'm better at shopping than exercising?

notyummy Sun 03-Nov-13 15:05:14

Good luck! They do make a difference. I bought after having a back op and having to stop running and circuit training. Was convinced my body would slide downhill rapidly, but Callanetics prevented it. Fast forward through Callan and her waffle at the beginning though- v irritating. And marvel at her belted high cut leotard.....

madmomma Sun 03-Nov-13 16:31:06

Good for you garlic smile

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