Thank you for your messages, it does help knowing that I'm not alone in feeling frustrated at such stupid & selfish behaviour from the x.

I'd like to think we're doing a great job by not getting caught into a war by proxy and that the children feel happy here because there is no situation when they are asked to pick a side.

We have had this issue with my DSS's, they are a similar age to your DSd's, aged 9 and 8. I agree with MissJammi, talking to the x is a waste of time and energy, she always denies it and then DSS's get in trouble with her for 'snitching'.

We now try to reassure DSS's that they are not being disloyal by listening to the nasty comments, and that everybody is allowed their own opinion.

I then wait until they're all in bed before having a long moan to my sister/mum/best friend about what a cow their mum is .

My main belief as far as step-parenting goes is to try to rise above the s**t, and reassure DSC's know that you and your DP are not upset with them if they dont stick up for you.It's our job to protect then as far as we can, not vice versa.

Sorry I cant be of more help.It's a frustrating situation and there is no perfect solution.

we have spent years learning the hard way about banging your head against a brick wall, I understand how upsetting it is, but once you accept what you cannot change, you cope with it all better

its too hard to try to second guess what goes on in a different house and children are not the most reliable source of information

sorry i cant be of more help

DSD is 9 and DSD living with her mum is 7.

It is not easy dealing with this but I do think you are right and we should concentrate on making our own home life nice and not worry too much about the rest.

I think there are issue about house rules and discipline inthe other side and they seem to argue in front of children a lot. DH and I do also wait to be alone if we disagree on something and back each other up in front of the children.

We're just heartbroken to see DSD being upset with this and feeling it's quite unfair to her to have to deal with. She just seems so confused by it...

my advice, speaking to the ex is a total waste of time, she wont listen and if she is bad mouthing you, indeed she may well get a kick out of you/dh reacting to her in anyway

the only thing you can do is accept you cannot change what happens over there, all you can do is dismiss it, if you treat it as if her comments have no importance then they will have less importance for your DSD, how old is she??

Re the getting the blame, my DSD pulls this one, and her mother dragged it up in court, it was bollox, if anything she gets away with more than my DS, but she isnt use to adults who stand together, and DH and I always back each other up, in front of the kids, even if we later disagree when they arent there

all you can do is make your own home life as nice as possible, and try to disregard what you cannot control

I think that you are very wise not to do the same. I think DH needs to speak to his X. How old is the eldest?

We're a blended family of 5 I have 2 DSD and 1 DD. DH's X has a new partner and a DS.

Eldest DSD lives with us and young DSD lives with her mum & p. How it came to this is another story...too long to explain. However, we live in the same county and DSD's are together every w-e either at ours or at their mum.

DH's X and her P seem to be doing a lot of badmouthing in front of DSDs and it is resulting in my eldest coming back somewhat distressed and hurt eash time she comes back from their. We listen to her and comfort her but refuse to get into a war of words by proxy, we think it's unfair for the children and cruel.

We accept that we all have different views in regards to parenting. education etc but we believe in respecting our differences. We never vent or rant in in front of the children.

Also, it seems that they have double standards in regards of the resident children over the non resident one: DSD says her mum's P is very strict with her and always blames her when there is trouble. It's hard to know what goes on over there...

How would you deal with this? SD has started dreading going there. DH is also getting worried about how miserable she is when she comes back home ...