OK I know I'm late in replying and that the OP has probably run away now in tears because of all of the comments. But just in case she ever does come back I just wanted to say YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER!!!
I live with my 12 1/2 year old SD full time and her antics would try the patience of a saint (alcohol at school, abusive language, bullying my other two little kids and that's just for starters).
Before she came to live here our relationship (I've known her since she was 2) was good. But after nearly three years our relationship has hit rock bottom. You were very open and honest in what you said and I can relate to so many of those feelings. There are forums out there for struggling step mums, with loads of good advice. I think the relationship between stepchild and step-parent to be the most delicate, most fragile of all parental relationships. It can so easily be shattered.
One piece of advice I'd give you here is ask yourself is it really him? Is he to blame? and if the answer is no then finding out what is the real problem is one step towards rebuilding your friendship.

Hi Boop,

I'd like to know how you're getting on too! I'm a step mum (full time) and I know it's very tough - most of the time! It can engender some very dark emotions which is doubly pressurising: you are having a hard time because of the situation and also because you feel guilty because some of the emotions you are feeling are awful and shaming.

I must confess I'm confused as to why you've gone from feeling ok to feeling such hatred - you don't describe any particular action on here that seems to have tripped such an extreme change in emotion. I am wondering, whether, as someone else suggested, that as the reality of the situation has sunk in now you are married you are resentful at what you've taken on and it's all coming out in negative emotion towards stepson? I think you need to talk to DH about the situation rather than the depth of your dislike for his child - whilst I think you should be as honest as you can be about how you feel remember there are some things a) that once said can never be taken back b) become more concrete once they've been said; however much you may feel like you hate him please remember it's in EVERYBODY'S interest - not least yours - if you can move away from this feeling.

That said, I don't judge you cos as a step mum I've had some low times myself and have felt pretty awful on occasion towards my stepdaughter. When she's been rotten for the 50-millionth time I find it very hard physically to be near her. I can't explain it - it's almost a physical sensation that I need to get away from her.

In that situation I find one of two, almost polar opposite things, work: 1) leave the situation and retreat and let my DH pick up the slack. Be friendly but distance myself and try and find something for me away from the situation. 2) focus on my SD and do something together. The siutation can pick up marvellously if I really make an effort to get through the hostility/bad behaviour. This is sometimes shopping together/swimming/cinema/walk in the park. But I really make an effort to give myself to SD and it inevitably reaps dividends. She calms down and is generally a lot nicer. I feel better about myself too.

I agree with whoever recommended some counselling. From what you describe you could really do with some help. Try the website www.happysteps.co.uk for some additional help.

Good luck - it is tough but you can make this work.

Boop81 credit to you for being honest and asking for help. It must be difficult to admit how you're feeling, especially because you love his father and you know, right, that you're the adult in this situation?

Families are hard hard work. Especially those that you are related to through marriage - step and in-law. All I can say to you is keep trying. Try to find common ground, try to bite your tongue and try to give the hugs your DSS wants - you never know if you fake it then it might become natural to you.

The damage you could do to this boy could be huge if you don't sort this out. My DB was 13 and had just lost his mum when my step-mother appeared on the scene. By 15 he was living by himself in a council flat and he has only just, at the age of 34, begun to recover from what she put him through.

Good luck. I'm sure it's hard but if you work at it it could become fantastic.

If you are still checking this thread Boop, I'd like to hear how you are doing. I really do understand how you feel and sincerely hope that you are ok at the moment.

Hopefully you have taken heart from some of the supportive comments here.

Talking about how you truly feel as a step parent is the last great taboo. Bringing up someone else's kids is an unnatural situation if you take it back to basics, as NanaNina mentioned with the lion analogy. Step children are the innocents in the situation of course but no one can help their feelings.

Respect to all the step parents who do live in happy harmonious households but I think for most of us its just a constant struggle.

I can kind of understand what you mean. I have a DSD around the same age and I think deep down she's a decent kid but she drives me nuts at times and I find myself doing anything I can to get away from her.

She complains about everything, questions everything, moans about everything, it just wears me down. She constantly sticks her nose in other people's business and takes it upon herself to constantly tell-tale on the other two kids. DP says the same to me "just tell her off" but I don't think they understand how difficult it is. Especially when you end up being their main carer and they're texting their dad in private every 5 minutes complaining about you.

Hi onionlove and others who are showing compassion to the OP here. When I was a young step mum I don't think there was much reading matter about and I was lucky enough to have a close friend in whom I could confide. It wasn't any good moaning to my P for obvious reasons although I can't pretend that there were not numerous arguments about the whole thing. Oh gawd just remembering it all makes me feel sick! I sort of thought now though that with so many "re-constituted" families as I think they are called that there is now more open-ness about the difficulties of step parenting. I am sure if you google or go on Amazon there will be reading material available.

Sometimes I think it's almost worse when the step child/ren is well behaved because then you can't "legitimise" your feelings and that makes you feel worse. Yes my situation is now better but I'm afraid that is largely because they have grown up and gone their own ways and we don't have a great deal of contact, though I have step grandchildren of whom I am fond. I am closer to my SS but not I'm afraid to my SD, as this was always a
problematic relationship. So onionlove you may have to accept that you will never feel a closeness to your SD. I think the important thing is for women who are struggling with SC is to accept what you feel and not feel guilty about it and find someone in whom you can confide, to tell it how it is, in the way that Boop tried to do. I found this helped me through the bad times.

Someone has mentioned CBT and I have no direct knowledge of this but I would have thought any good counsellor would be good.

Finally - us step mums are not so bad you know, when you consider that the male lion will kill the young lions who he has not fathered to ensure that the lioness is ready to only parent HIS young!

okay, i've done the tea and sympathy bit, here's my constructive answer

there's only one variable here that you have any control over, and that is yourself and the way you feel.

You could as others have suggested try really really hard to find some common ground with him and to dig really deeply within yourself and feel compassion for him where there is no love. Is there not one thing that you like in common that you could concentrate on?

Maybe you could help him learn to be tidy and to accept his 11 yr old behaviour and ask for OHs help in helping his son to understand when he's being irritating and annoying. How for instance does he react when his son butts into conversations? When my SD does this - as she does so often - I calmly finish what I am saying and ignore her attempts to butt in, and then will turn to her, tell her (again) that it's not polite to interrupt and that we want her to stop doing this, and then ask her what it was she wanted to say.

Otherwise you need to disable those buttons in yourself that make you so irritated with him, repulsed by him. Go and book yourself on a course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). I did this when I was having an almost phobic reaction towards my Dad (long story). It didn't completely take the feeling away, but it helped enormously and now the feelings of 'revulsion' have lessened to a scale where I can handle his company and have a rewarding relationship with him.

Good luck.

I thought you were going to say he was doing really nasty things and trying to make trouble for you .... but you just don't like him.

That is quite sad. But you're being honest and looking for advice, so I hope people don't just pile in to tear strips off you, which doesn't help you at all. But it does happen regularly on mn...

I don't know the answer, just want to say, I hope you get constructive advice and not abuse.

Agreed, being a step parent is the hardest thing and we post on here for help and support, and to be able to honestly air our feelings and let off much needed steam without the blunt confrontational / judgemental atmosphere of other MN forums e.g. AIBU

Being a step parent, especially a full time one, is a relationship and emotional minefield. Friends of mine who have their own children often confess to feeling occasional dislike for children they have carried in the womb and given birth to. Step mums do not have that unconditional love to carry them through.

Step mums are expected to be saintly selfless individuals without feelings, who are expected to have a crystal ball and know exactly what hardships were ahead of them and to have never got involved if they weren't prepared to swallow their lot uncomplainingly.

The truth is though that children are people. Small ones and still forming but still they are people. Some are nice. Others are not. And the sad truth is that you just can't like everyone... no matter how hard you try. But as a step mum you have to rise above everything as best you can and pretend, pretend, pretend...

Nicely put autumnsun. I get really frustrated with non step parents coming onto this area casting judgement with no experience, which results in people who genuinly need help and support being scared off. Step parents isnt AIBU - we arent looking to be told off - we are looking for productive ways to deal with difficult situations and its great that there are some sensible voices available to provide this.