I just don't like her! HELP!

[findingitdifficult]

I met my dp almost a year ago and we fell madly in love very quickly. We have both been through some pretty horrific stuff and are both single parents with the full time responsibility of caring for our children (one each) with the biological other parent totally off the scene. He is an amazing dad to his dd (4yo) and is wonderful with my dd (2yo). I wanted - and still want - to be there for his dd as she hasn't had a mum ever and every little girl needs a mum to turn to. I have tried and tried and tried and tried and tried...I could go on...and nothing works. She is a little COW! She looks at me like filth, she completely ignores me, she acts up whenever dp and I are within 3 feet of each other, she is rude, she even lashes out at times. I have gotten to the point where I dread seeing her. Our plans of living together are on hold now because of it. I want to move forward but I feel exhausted by it all and have come to the point where I just don't like her! This makes me feel guilty which in turn makes me feel defensive and uptight when she is around. I know that she went through a hard time and that I am a potential threat (in her eyes) to her relationship with daddy. I recognise that things are changing for her which is difficult for any child. I understand that me being on edge is probably obvious to her now. The thing I don't know now is what to do about it all. I've read many of the threads and know I'm not alone but could do with some constructive feedback. If you think I'm a bad person please keep it to yourself - I already feel bad enough!

[macaronicheeseplease]

Could you get her to help with your DD? Dressing her or whatever?

[edam]

Don't think you are a bad person at all.

One piece of advice I've heard actually works is to act as if you like or love someone even if you don't. Pretend through gritted teeth if necessary. Apparently it gets much easier - suppose it's practice makes perfect stuff but also if you act as if you genuinely like someone, it changes the dynamic and eventually they will start to respond.

[findingitdifficult]

Tried it, she will do it and can be quite sweet to my dd. It's just me she hates!

[findingitdifficult]

edam that does sound like a good idea thank you, anything is worth a try!

[colditz]

Do a child swap with your partner for the day. Leave him with your dd, and take your step daughter out for the day, and spoil her a bit. Tell her she's clever. tell her she's kind.Tell her she's a lovely polite little girl who would never ever be rude to anyone.

4 year olds aremuch tougher nuts than 2 year olds, so if you are used to the relative sweetness of a 2 year old, I can see why a four year old would make you quiver - they're scary! But they aren't as grown up as they seem - they are easiliy won over with lots and lots of attention.

Also, DON'T let her speak to you like crap. If you're planning to move in with this bloke and be a mother to her, start now. Tell her off when she's rude.

[echofalls]

what does her dad do when she is rude to you? He should talk to her and tell her its inappropriate to be that with anyone, regardless if its you or not. She is only 4 and obviously been through some tough times.

My advice as a stepmum is to just be yourself, be consistent, try to spend quality time with her alone and try your best not to vent in front of her. If she is really being horrid, let her have some time with daddy, she will be jealous if they have been on their own for a while. It will get better with time I promise but you will have setbacks from time to time when you think you shouldn't have bothered trying (we're 10 years down the line) but it will all work out in the end.

[KaPe]

I had this problem with my very own birth daughter when she was about three. She had a very close relationship with my ex and would kick and scream if I even went near him.

When she kicked off, we both started chasing her, play-fighting with each other who would get to her first. Obviously all the time saying very very silly things to each other, like "Oh well, how about me taking one arm and one leg and you the other arm and leg?"

My ex then suggested to share her, and we did loads of silly group hugs.

Not sure whether the experts would recommend that, but it did work for us.

[kdlicious1]

Thank you K, E & C. The day swap seems a good idea. I have suggested having her b4 but it's always been turned down by dp - he doesn't realise how much he shuts me out actually. I think it's time for a chat! It's nice to hear I'm not the only one; it's something you know but need reminding by real people isn't it. Her dad tells her off when he sees it but she is an obstinant little madam at times and it makes no difference, it's as if she has made up her mind and there's no changing it. I do need to be as positive as possible though; I like the idea of showering her with positivity - I'll give it a go! Thank you all

[kdlicious1]

Oh - I changed my nickname incase there's any confusion. Thanks again

[purpleduck]

How about conversations such as:

"you know, dd and I are so happy that we get to have YOU in our lives now", maybe let her know how important she is to dd.

Poor thing - she is probably angry at you because HER mother left, and she has needs to get rid of her anger. Has she had any counselling? Its just that many children don't have fathers on the scene, but I bet she's the only one who doesn't have a mummy.

Did the mum do a runner, or pass away....?