Have been with DP for 8.5 years. He has 2 DD's, 15 & 12 and we have one DS together, who is 6.
DSD's live with their BM and SF but we see them fortnightly. Our DS lives with us, obviously.
Although we are not married, I have always veiwed that as just a minor technicality and we've always lived as if we are and I have embrassed the role of SM to DSD's ever since I first met them 8.5 years ago.
DP's exW classes herself as poor. They live in a 3 bed council house. She has 4 children in total and has never worked or made any attempt to work. Her 'now' husband earns a very low income.
DP pays maintenance but the fathers of her other 2 do not.
I have always worked full time in a reasonably well paid job. We 'agreed' that we would only have 1 DS between us because we can't afford any more or to upgrade car/house/space to accomodate 4 DC's when we have DSD's.
I do not class us as poor - but actually, we probably are if you weighed up a comparison of what is left over after everything has come in and everything gone out, his ExW probably has more disposable cash than we do! She just chooses to spend it in different places/priorities.
Example:
I/we gave up smoking & therefore with what we saved, we could (eventually) carpet our house.
She smokes 20 a day and lives with no carpet in her house. In ExW's eyes, this = she is poor as she doesn't even have carpet & I am not poor because at least we have carpet in our house.
DP and I have struggled like mad since the moment we got together. Financially, we just stuck everything in one pot and lived out of that. For most of the reltionship, DP has always earned slightly more than me, so that by the time his maintenance, petrol to see kids (approx £150 pm), extras for kids had been paid, we'd both put roughly the same into 'our' pot.
For the last year, during credit crunch, DP has earned considerably less than me - several hundred pounds less. Then his maintenance goes out of his salary, then we pay for ALL the petrol to see kids as well as food etc when they are with us. His ExW always complains that they are poor and can't afford school shoes/trainers/xyz and so DP buys it on top of everything as doesn't like seeing his kids go without. All of this comes out of our joint pot.
If you added it up and took it out of just his salary, there is no way he could then afford his 'half' of the living expenses that we have, (not his fault, credit crunch has hit us hard and we are in a bad way financially!)
Anyway, it is driving us apart (as well as other stuff at the moment) as I am increasingly bitter that I work full time, sacrificed any other children and we are struggling - yet he just hands over money, won;t change any of the arrangemenst or even tell his ExW that we are struggling too at the moment.
Obviously, I don't begrudge the maintenance, before I get flamed for that. And I do know how he feels to see his kids sent to school in rags/crappy stuff - a lot of the time it is not acceptable, it breaks my heart too!
BUT these children live on MacDonalds, have approx 300 DVD's between them, an x-box, phones, a whole range of things that I can't afford for my DS and his ExW smokes 20 gigs a day and has a litre of Vodka a week. (then tells DP they live hand to mouth, are too poor for carpets in their house and can't afford uniform etc)
DP insists they are all treated the same at b'day and xmas (despite DSD's getting it all again and DS not)
I feel such a mug and like I am being taken for a ride, because I see it as 'my' money that is paying the petrol, buying the lunch, paying for the school trip/new trainers etc.
If we are ok, then I don't mind this, but when we are overdrawn and it DP's week to go and see the kids, I'm getting so bitter that there is no petrol money but he won;t say anything to them, he'll just keep going overdrawn - anything to make sure none of them are impacted at all!
How do I get out of this?
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Inspired by similar thread - Don't know where to post this - Need to talk, this is LONG! Sorry!
30 replies
skyblu · 26/08/2009 12:24
OP posts:
mrsjammi ·
27/08/2009 18:45
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