Dread older dss 23 moving back in

[orangeandlemons]

I used to be a reguar here, but have changed my name.

This is basically the story. Dp and I have dss23 (who left home last year) dss 19, my ds 15, and dd 3. We have been together for 9 years. We live in what is really an extended 2 bed semi. Last year dss moved out. It was hell with in effect 5 adults living here...everyone is very tall. It wasn't just that, it was also stuff like cooking for 6 people when you both work full time, washing everywhere all the time, it was really difficult, and contributed to the fact that I started to suffer with anxiety and depression.

Last July dss 23 moved out, everything became much much easier. The lease has run ut on his house, and he wants to move back. Dp informed me of this last week (note, he informed me, but didn't discuss it with me) Dss 19 knew before me.

Now all the kids are very easy to live with apart from dss 23. When he lived here, I was tbh very unhappy a lot of the time. I tolerated it for dp's sake. He is very difficult to live with, because of the way he behaves. He likes the house freezing cold, and contantly turns the heating off without asking all the time. This is terrible in the winter. He regardss the shower as his own personal place, and spends 25 minutes in there when people are in a rush in the morning. It is a very noisy shower, and he wakes people up when he goes in early in the morning. Lastly he runs up and down the stairs all the time and constantly wkes dd up.

It all sounds so trivial, but it makes me really unhappy, and I am dreading it. I can't be in control of my own house.Neither of the other dss behaves like this, but he does what he wants, despite being repeatedly told not to.

Last year dp accused me of being unreasonable, when I didn't want dss gf staying here, which pushed the total number of adults in the house up to 6.

I really feel desperate to the point of wanting to leave. I just cannot live like that again. I really don't know what to do. I love dp, and don't want to go, but I can feel the thought of it all starting to make me feel crap again

[orangeandlemons]

Also we have a huge mortgage which we can't afford, and want to move to get rid of it (or scale it down), but we would have to buy a smaller house..............which means less room. I feel totally backed into a corner, and am sick of having no money

[moondog]

What's a great big lad of 23 doing coming back like this and brininging his gf? Do yuo cook and wash for him too?
It sounds unbeareable. I wouldn't toelrater it.

[idranktheteaatwork]

I think that this is completely unreasonable tbh unless he is boracic and can't afford to rent somewhere else. In which case put a strict time limit on it, ie, you can stay for three months to allow you to get some cash together.

Whether or not he is a step son or a bio son the house sounds too small to cope with up to six adults.

Has a time frame been mentioned or is he just moving back in indefinitely?

[moondog]

What's 'boracic'

I only know of 'boracic acid' (although not sure what it is)

I'm surprised his father wants hi bac keven.
Gah, your bog must be working over time with all those testosterone driven craps.

[orangeandlemons]

He's not bringing his gf, but she will be staying over at some time I suppose. Dp accused me of being unreasonable when she stayed here for 3 weeks last year as she couldn't find anywhere to live. However she has loads of friends, and they could have put her up, the overcrowding in our house at the time was unbearable.

Dss is suffering from mild depression. I am sympathetic to that and understand he needs support. I feel sorry for him, and want to help...but I just can't face that.

No we don't do his washing, but it is always festooned everywhere. He says he will do his own cooking as he enjoys it, but if you are cooking a family meal, I feel obliged to make some for him. But cooking for 6 as opposed to 5 seems to be the straw that breaks the camels back. It seems to be a much much bigger job

[moondog]

That's what I mean-even the occasional stay over is pushing it, and 3 weeks is beyond the pale.
I wouldn't put up with it.It will stretch everyone to the limit.
To put it into perspective,I have a big house and three bathrooms.My sister and her two kids are staying next week but not for longer than about 4 or 5 days.

[catsmother]

I think I remember reading your posts before ..... some of the details are very familiar and I thought then that it wasn't you being horrid but simple logistics about how many people you can reasonably fit into a small space. I also recall how your DP was unable to look at the situation objectively and was making you feel bad for objecting about the lack of respect.

I personally think it's really weird that a 23 year old comes back to the family home (I appreciate there are lots who haven't yet moved out) anyway .... unless some major calamity has befallen him. At that age he'd surely prefer to be in a house share amongst others of a similar age and without living under the parental eye ? Just because a lease has run out, does that really mean he can't find another ? (this can't have been a surprise)

I think it's disgusting that - son or not - your DP TELLS you what is happening ... instead of discussing it and working out a solution that's acceptable to you both (for me, that would be a finite period, until he finds another rental place, AND, it would be on the understanding that the house rules apply to ALL its members and that if SS ignores these and is selfish, he'll have a week - or whatever - to get out). I totally understand why you feel such a sense of doom - it'd be bad enough (space wise) if he was a considerate person

• but when the practical difficulties are compounded by selfishness and taking you for granted, that really is taking the piss.

Presumably this adult "child" does what he wants because he gets away with it ... i.e. his father does nothing to deter him from doing it in the 1st place, nor attempts to impose any sort of punishment after the event. I can see how you'd feel out of control - what would the point be of you asking him to be more considerate if this isn't backed up by his dad - SS would just laugh at you.

You really need to have this out with your DP. He needs to explain how this is going to work .... SS is part of the family, he isn't THE most important part, and while everyone else is pulling their weight in an overcrowded situation, it's utterly unfair he gets away with being selfish. DP needs to put a time limit on this if he comes back, because this adult should be capable of fending for himself and his prescence, apart from anything else, will postpone you trying to sort out your money worries by downsizing .... again, why should the quality of life for 5 of the family be affected by just 1 ?! I'd also want to know what SS will be paying. IMO, I'd ask him to pay the same as what he was paying on his lease ..... if this is followed by cries of "not fair" etc then he can alternatively spend that same sum he's been spending anyway on a new lease. I wonder if there's something DP's not telling you and maybe he's got into financial difficulties himself and that's why he's back ?

I really do feel for you - it sounds a nightmare situation, but the key seems to be with your DP and how much (or little) he's prepared to be consistent with ALL the kids in the house about the respect they show for the household. I'm sure if he reassured you that he won't take any nonsense from SS this time round and that there won't be even more extra bodies (eg, GF) you'd feel less horrified about this (leaving aside space).

[BitOfFun]

Can you force your DP's hand a bit by saying how miserable you feel about this and that it is undermining your relationship? Especially the not consulting you part.

[orangeandlemons]

Thanks for all help.

Dp is away atm, so I am simmering away. I fully intend to have it out with him when he comes back

He decided to tell me in the middle of Marks and Spencers last week. He said his ds was depressed and he was worried about him. At the time, I felt a lot of compassion for dss, and didn't rally take in the manner of telling, or the fact that he hadn't discussed it. My intial concern was for dss. But now I just feel that my life is going to be intolerable again. Neither of our other ds's are like this

The lease on his house has run out, his gf has just finished uni, and is going back to her parents for a bit. They were meant to be finding a flat together, but I don't know what is happening about that now.

I just want to know if I am being horrid or unreasonable. Atm I feel like calling the estate agents in for a valuation. It seems to me, that it is increasingly becoming a situation about it being him or me. I understand he has depression, but unfortunately so do I, quite severely. So whose needs come first is what I think dp will say. I don't want to play the depression card, but do feel it is an issue for myself. I was nearly hospitalised at Christmas it was so bad. Although am much much better now due to ad's, I don't feel it will take much to knock me back. I simply do not want to have this situation thrust on me.

If he other ds or my ds was in this situation, they would be welcome to come back any time, because they are great kids wwho tow the line. So it isn't really about dss being a dss IYKWIM

[2rebecca]

Difficult. I know if my son age 23 was depressed and wanted to stay with me for a bit I wouldn't think twice about it. I know my husband (his stepdad) wouldn't be chuffed. I would however set a time limit on my son's moving back and arrange house rules, including not fiddling with the thermostat, 10 minute showers max, being quiet climbing stairs, no girlfriends/ friends staying over etc if those were things my husband wasn't happy about. Sounds like your husband needs to do similar and discuss it properly with you and find a compromise. Adult offspring can only really live in the family home again if they accept it's not their house any longer and behave like an adult flatmate rather than a stroppy teenager.
Get ground rules agreed before he comes back.

[sunshine13]

wow.. feel for ya orangesandlemons....

Firstly, I think it's a bit of a cheek that your OH didnt discuss his son's arrival with you. That seems to be showing you a lack of disrespect. I am sure that he is probably blinded by the love of his child- that's understandable but you didnt sign up for this. It's your house as well and you should have a say and be able to voice your concerns to your OH.

As for your money concerns - i would speak to your bank if you're struggling finacially. In today's climate banks are going all out to help people (repoing houses is the last thing they would rather do & only do it when their customers bury their head in the sand). I am sure that they would be able to do something to help lower your outgoings somewhat. For further money saving tips there are a heap of things that you all can do to stop wasting money (and we all do it)

You guys need to talk & you both need to listen and compromise. He has to be made aware if how naff you're feeling. Im sure that with talking a compromise can be reached here.

[leo69]

I know exactly what you mean...my ds has been back 6 wks, he promised only 5 wks,as he is in between flats.He is showing no sign of lookinf for a flat,husband won't do anything,but speak to him !
However, I feel I am right to want him out,last time we went on holiday he applied for a loan at our house, brought the bailiffs to our door(i had to pay £380 out or they remove my possessions( Now I am getting depressed again and frustrated that my husband won't stand up to him.I just want to walk out

[gagamama]

Does he pay rent? I can't see why he'd be wanting to come back unless he was gaining something from it. I think it would be unreasonable to ban DSS from coming back at all, and it's unfair to make DP choose between the two of you, but charging him rent and board is completely fair and will ensure he only sticks around as long as he really needs to. If you say he can only stay if he pays his way, that seems very reasonable to me. Otherwise, do you have a garden? Get him a tent! Or make him sleep on the sofa, or anything to make it clear that it's a very temporary arrangement, and while you want to be there for him and support him, he is an adult and needs to stand on his own two feet.

(I've just realised this thread is weeks old - what happened in the end?)

[orangeandlemons]

He's back. GF dumped him last week, he has no mates to move in with, or shows any inclination to living on his own.

I feel sick with misery and unhappiness all the time, but what can I do?

I couldn't say to dp that he couldn't come back (could I?) but I can't live like this.

I canot understand why someone chosses to move back home. I feel trapped

[catsmother]

I appreciate that it would be very very hard to say an absolute no - even to an adult skid - if your partner feels they need help .... but, as I said before, this is your home too and also that of other children, so at the very least he should be abiding by house rules, and alleviating (eg. by helping) not adding to the workload.

What I said before still stands. I don't understand why he's back either unless he's after a cheap (or free) roof over his head and given he's been renting until recently, it would concern me that if that's the case, he may have money problems and is looking to his dad to bail him out. I bloody well hope he's paying a decent whack and isn't sponging.

What does your DP say about all of this - rent, behaviour round the house and so on ?? He can't ignore - surely - the stress you're suffering, he (DP) should at least be encouraging SS to find somewhere new. Eg. lots of people don't have mates to move in with, but they enquire about rooms to let in shared houses nonetheless. I'm not saying it's totally ridiculous a 23 year old should move back home per se but it's clearly ridiculous in your situation when he is earning, has been supporting himself and when you are overcrowded as it is, plus need to downsize from a financial perspective. DP should be looking at what's best for the family overall, i.e. looking to make the best of things for as many of you as possible ...... not making things worse for everyone so one (adult, self sufficient) child gets it easy.