Family Court Case was TODAY :)

[mrshibbins]

OH was awarded residency of his DD (my SD, now 7) around 18 months ago, because of BM's ongoing alcoholism and neglect of her daughter, and the Court decided then that contact between SD and BM was to be as agreed between them (at that time BM was supposed to be actively tackling her problems)

But it's not been going too well to put it mildly, and SD has ended up either being repeatedly let down or being put in highly distressing and/or unsafe situations (it's a very long and depressing list) and with OH and myself as stressed as hell ..

so around 3 months ago we applied to go back to the Family Court for a new and more restrictive Contact Order to enable safe contact between his DD and her BM..

The hearing was today. It was pretty nerve racking because the way the legal aid system is structured we were not eligible for aid, and neither could we afford a solicitor, so I did all the research and prepared the court papers for him myself and just had to keep my fingers crossed that it was all done correctly.

And the outcome was good. Well, the outcome is the least bad, at any rate.

The Judge has ordered that contact between SD and her BM is to be fortnightly, and is to be Supported Contact through a Child Contact Centre. This is to be the only contact for the time being - apart from a nightly telephone call (to SD's PAYG mobile - we've barred BM from calling our landline due to the drunk dial 5am abusive calls).

The Judge has also ordered that BM submit to monthly liver function tests to monitor her alcoholism. The case will be reviewed in September to see if there has been any recovery. If not, the Contact Order will stay as it is. If she is immproving, the Order can be reviewed. Ultimately, SD should be with her mum, and her mum wants here there (she says) but at the moment she is just too fd up and p*d to look after her - and has been for virtually all of SD's life.

How totally sad for BM but unfortunately it's all her own doing. OH had tried to live with the situation and tried to help her for YEARS and all that happened was that her drinking, and her lying and her manipulations got worse. He finally realised this year that he wasn't helping her at all, he was just enabling her.

So many times he has regretted letting BM get pregnant, and regretted not ending the relationship before they had a child together. It was lazy and careless of him. But he did it. And SD exists and needs caring for and protecting.

So, this is the only course of action left open to us, apart from doing NOTHING but we saw where that got us...

• Nothing changes if nothing changes

• if you always do what you've always done then you will always get what you've always got

So ... we can now all breathe a sigh of relief. As I just said to OH, that awful chaotic phase of our lives is now over. It can't get any worse now (not for us anyway) it can only improve. And SD at least will hopefully get to see a bit more of her BM! If BM is sober enough to turn up to the Contact Centre appointments - but that's up to her now, not up to us.

This is a huge opportunity now for BM to really get to grips with herself. She can't lie to us any more in order to get access to SD - we are no longer part of the equation. It all has to go through the Child Contact Centre the Courts.

If anyone is also in a position of needed to do their own legal work re Contact issues, this is how I did it:

I got loads of really useful downloadable advice on contact from the Children's Legal Centre:
www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Legal+Advice/Child+law/contact/

I then downloaded the necessary forms from HMCS:
www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/HMCSCourtFinder/FormFinder.do

We completed Form C100 (Application under the Children Act 1989 for a residence, contact or other section 8 order) and Form C1A (supplementary info where the child is at risk) and the court fees were £175.00 - rather than this PLUS solicitors fees at around £2.5K !!!

[ElenorRigby]

Very sad for your DSD that she has been exposed to this. Im an adult child of an alcoholic (my mother). Believe you me its hard enough to cope with as a adult but for a poor child to cope with is terrible. So sad it has got so bad that your DSD can only have supervised contact but it really is for the best for her everyones sake. I know from experience how dangerous and distressing alcoholism can be.
Well done to you on being there for your DSD and protecting her, thats fantastic.
Hopefully now her mother will wake up and get on the road to recovery, sadly though I wouldnt hold my breath.

[Surfermum]

Well done for getting through it. I remember only too well how stressful going to court was for dh and for me supporting him. It's only really when you get the judge's decision that you can start to deal with whatever is decided - that inbetween stage where you don't know which way it might go (as much as you hope common sense prevails) is just awful.

I really hope her mum gets the help that she needs to get sober. I work in a drug and alcohol unit and people can and do get clean and stay clean. I took a call from a client the other day who was ringing us on his 7th anniversary of being dry. Are they going do random breathalysers too? We don't use LFTs as a measure of whether someone is drinking or not, it would be based on breath lysers and whether they are engaging in the support services.

You sound so lovely, your dsd is lucky to have you . I hope this is the start of things being more settled for you all.

[yerblurt]

Well done for going to Court Litigant In Person (LIP) i.e. self-representing.

It's not too difficult and as you have found out, cost you a hell of a lot less than using parasites solicitors (I went LIP)

... very sad about the ex's alcoholism, it really is a terrible disease, but she needs to get herself straightened out first otherwise the child will be in a position of being let down and that isn't fair on her at all.

[mrshibbins]

Thanks all. BM STILL DOESN'T GET IT ... of course. She's already been on the phone trying to twist OH's arm into leaving SD with her over half term holidays.

I've told OH to stop wasting his energy trying to lecture her or get her to change her behaviour or try to understand her. She is beyond understanding. She is so deeply in another reality (the alcoholic's one, where everything is someone else's fault, everyone is in a plot against her, and the misery caused is nothing to do with her and is a self-perpetuating justification for another binge) that she just has NO comprehension whatsover about the damage and misery she has caused to her DD, or the stress and chaos she has caused to us. She just thinks a) we are being vindictive and b) the court is over-reacting because of the baby P tragedy. If you mention to her, as OH did in the court hearing, about the last time SD was left with her (she passed out drunk at 2pm with gas rings burning and the oven on and she had to be rescued by a neighbour's 14 yr old daughter after SD made an emergency phone call) she just looks at you as if you are mad. And that was the final entry on a very very long list of incidents. She can't even remember, therefore it never happened ...

You'd think that losing her daughter Feb 2007 would have given her the reality check she needed to get sober. But unfortunately not. It's just been another excuse to get pissed. It's clear that her desire to get drunk is stronger than her desire to raise her own child. How effing tragic is that...

OH is now also going to have to phone round her family [no friends left now...] to explain the situation to them, because she's told them a story so very far removed from the truth that he has been vilified for a long time ...