Just need someone to listen, maybe give another POV?

[geordieminx]

Dp and his exw split up 10 years ago, divorced, have 2 dc, boy 15 and a girl 18, they live 200 miles away.

We got together 7 years ago, for a year, split, then got back together 3 years ago.

Contact before we got back together with them has been sporadic, he would drive to see them, they would go out ask for new clothes which he would buy, holidays twice a year.

After we had been together a few months I fell pregnant but m/c'd, fell pregnanat again, waited til 3 months to tell anyone. We went down to see them, told them that I was expecting, and well it all kicked off, ranging from "you've ruined my life" to " I have a dead baby brother or sister and you never told me"

Since then contact has really gone down hill, dd stopped speaking to him for over a year, but then got back in contact, things settled. Dp used to ring once a week but it got to a stage where he was fed up of doing all of running, so contact stopped. For the past 2 1/2 years they only get in contact a week or 2 before xmas or birthday, each time asking for our address to send their brother something although nothing has ever come. Dp sends them money down for xmas and their birthdays, but we never get an acknowledgement or a thank you. We are getting married at the end of the year, we rang to tell them/invite them, intially they accepted then text a week later to say they wouldnt be coming as everyone would be looking at them and talking about them behind their backs

Anyhow, its dd's birthday tomorrow, she'll be an adult, and still dp thinks he is doing the right thing by sending her a cheque. I've tried to explain that it isnt right, that maybe a present and a letter may be better, but no, easiest option.

I'm really fed up of them telling us that they have sent cards for my ds (who they have never met btw) even though they never come. I'm sick of dp sending them money, almost condoning their behaviour, and sweeping things under the carpet. Its not like they are kids anymore, they dont care about their dad, or their half brother, they just want money.

Sorry for the rambling, I know it probably doesnt make much sense, I just needed to get it out somewhere, dp prefers not to talk about it.

TIA

[piscesmoon]

The trouble is that they are hurt, because of the distance they haven't got a proper relationship with their father and they haven't got one with you or their half brother.
You may think that they are older and that the girl especially should act like an adult but they are really very young and think like DCs.
Your DP really doesn't know them, he would have to send a cheque because he won't have a clue about what she would want as a present. I think that this is why they are hurt. I don't expect that he knows much about their day to day lives-who their friends are, what they like for breakfast, favourite music etc. He was the adult and the father so he should have done all the running.
The baby thing is difficult-first there is the embarrassment that 'old people' are having sex (parents aren't supposed to!)and then there is explaining, as a teenager, that you have a baby brother. They were shut out by not being told about the miscarriage and they have never seen the brother and got to know him the way that they should. Without the contact, suddenly coming to a wedding will be difficult for them. I would get to know them first and then they will be happier.
They are kids, they do care about their dad and brother and the whole problem is that they are just givenmoney and all the emotional stuff is ignored.
I would see them together and have a proper discussion. Involve them in your lives.

[geordieminx]

Sounds like we are in exactly the same boat MrsJ, although the likely hood of ds and dsd ever bumping into each other is slim, given they live 250 miles apart