My daughter is scared of DSD

[LordessOfTheRings]

I have a 13 year old daughter and we live with my partner and his 15 year old daughter.

My daughter is not "quiet" as such but she is not the loud, confident type. She has a few friends but not loads IYSWIM?

DSD is totally different. She is hugely popular, probably the most popular girl in her year. She spends hours on the phone after school, has recently obtained a black belt in karate and spends all weekend with her friends.

DD is intimidated by her and I think maybe a little envious of how everyone views her. She has started playing up for attention and saying stuff like "maybe if I was more like HER it would be better for everyone".

It doesn't take much to get them arguining and when they do, it quickly turns physical and obviously my DD always comes off worse. They have to share a room and sometimes my DD is scared to go in there because DSD is either in a mood or has her friends in there (who are all loud and confident).

How would you deal with this?

[fourkids]

how long have the DCs known each other, and how long have you all lived together?

[LordessOfTheRings]

DD was 7 when we met, DSd was 9. We knew each other two years before moving in together.

[Ewe]

Is there no possible way you could convert some space to give your DD her own room... even if it is not appropriate for her to sleep in?

They are both at really difficult ages and I would imagine they would have these problems whether or not they were step sisters or normal sisters. Sharing a room at that age is SO hard, especially when you aren't very similar characters.

[poppy34]

to be honest there is an element in what they are doing that could rings true of any siblings (step or not) with that knind of age gap (Certainly me and my sis). Is it possible that you can set some ground rules with dsd re using the room for social stuff so your dd has someone to go (as a less than socail teen I can really feel for your dd wanting to slope off and get away from it and not being able to)- can she etnertain her friends in the kitchen etc? Can dsd try to get dd in some of her socail stuff (although if your dd is as quieter that may not work)? if not encourage dd to go out/have her own friends over.

have you talked to boht girls about how they feel about this - is what you say what they say (ie dd feeling envious etc) or not? if so that might give you a basis to try to build their relationship. it sounds like from bare facts that there is something about dsd maybe taking more of a kindly big sister role to help dd through it all (you don't say how long you've been togehter but there is a positive element to the fact that dd/dsd could build something based on their shared experience of being thrown together).

Its hard to comment more about it without more info but 13 is a difficult age so your dds comments could be a way of channelling the general growing pains or a comment re her relationship in family (ie feeling she is pushed out ) or a bit of both.

the one thing that I think you and your partner do need to put a stop to is the physical stuff if your dsd is physically bigger that does sound not on (also I know sweet fa about karate but doesnt all martial arts training contain an element about it being sport and not something to channel aggression etc).

[sleepymommy]

Could they be with friends somewhere else in the house, and the bedroom be kept private? I think your daughter should feel safe in her own bedroom. Is there absolutely no way they cn have separate rooms?

[poppy34]

that said as ewe said there sounds a lot there that is the sad lot of teenage girls (including knocking six bells out of each other given half a chance )

[fourkids]

so they've lived together a long time...do you think they feel like sisters. have they got on well up to this point?

sorry - questions and more questions! I'm trying to think from all angles!

But my initial thought is, is there no way they can have a room each? personal space is so important (if possible) - maybe particularly for step-sisters? But I would also echo Poppy34, in that this sounds a bit like normal sibling rivalry - in which case maybe that's a positive sign!!

[edam]

Sounds horribly familiar from my own teenage years. My sister and I had vicious rows, including physical violence. If we'd had to share a room, I'm sure we'd have been in A&E regularly.

But this has the extra complication of being a step relationship, which makes it even more difficult.

Assuming you don't have a spare room (otherwise you'd have separated them already), then could you encourage the older one to hang out in another room when she has her friends over? If there really is nowhere, could you convert the garage or buy a shed or something (have a look online for garden buildings, loads of lovely stuff out there)?

[edam]

(Btw, my sister and I are VERY close now, so don't worry too much about their long-term relationship - I think it's a teenage thing.)

[edam]

(Would dd like to learn some form of martial art/self defence, btw? Doesn't have to be the same one as dsd, but might give her a little confidence - she's really at a disadvantage sharing a room with a black belt, poor kid!)