DSD constantly slagging off and insulting my son

[LadyInPurple]

DSD is almost 12. My ds is 10.

I have always brought my son up to be tolerant of other people's differences and to believe in himself fully.

Anyway when we moved in here DSD started to constantly critisise him. Here is a convo from tea time for instance:

DSD: "Why do you even have your hair so long, you look like a girl"
DS: "I don't care, I like it like that"
DSD: "OMG you don't care that you look like a girl!? DAD ... ds doesn't even care that he looks like a girl!"

(DP laughs at this point )

DS: "Whatever, why does it matter to you anyway?"
DSD: "Because it's wierd! same as your clothes and everything, you're just wierd ... if you were at my school you would so get bullied"
DS: "I'd rather be bullied than be a sheep like you"

DSD then goes off in a mood ... DP decides that "enough is enough" and tells them both off. It goes quiet for a while ...

DSD: "You'll never get a girlfriend you know, acting the way you do"
DS: "Good"
DSD: "suppose that would suit you anyway, with you being a bit of a poof"
DS: "doesn't bother me"
DSD: "DAD!! DS said he doesn't mind being a poof!"

DP laughs again. I get pissed off at this point and tell her to pack it in. DP then comes in and says he thinks both should go to bed early if they can't stop arguining. DS then shouts that if she just left him alone there would be no arguments. DP tells his DD to "leave it" which implies to me that he thinks DS is the problem.

This is happening CONSTANTLY and its driving me mad. She constantly goes on about how he'll probably fail all of his GCSE's (despite being above average in everything other than PE) that he'll definately get a crap job and live in a smelly flat and never have any money and never get a girlfriend ...

Last week we had a letter sent home that DS had helped solve a big techincal problem in the new ICT suite which had even the ICT baffled ... she went in a huge mood all night and said he'd probably paid someone to send it home. And then a bit later on she said to me in a very serious tone "You know, I was thinking about that letter ... I'm not being mean or anything but I reckon the school sent it home to make you think he was good at something because he isn't that bright, like they're trying to encourage him by pretending he's actually good at something ... "

She was dead serious btw, she wasn't trying to be funny.

I'm just sick of it, DS never slags people off so why should he have to take this? DP does nothing and says its just "sibling rivalry" but I think it's more than that.

Am I being unreasonable or over-reacting?

[thisisyesterday]

you need to talk to your DP and make him understand that her behaviour is NOT on.

[nancy75]

it must be hard to hear anyone being horrible to your child, but i would imagine your dsd is trying to put down your ds infront of her dad to make sure she stays his favorite. have you moved into what was their home? she may feel pushed out. i would bring it up with your dp, obviously its not fair on your ds to be bullied at home, maybe suggest your dp spends special time just with your dsd so that she stops feeling so insecure.

[LordessOfTheRings]

Sounds like she is jealous of him. Worried he will do better than her (especially if he is known as being clever) and worried he will get a better job than her after school.

I would teach DS to just completely ignore her and whenever she starts just cut in with "we don't want to hear that, it's not nice".

[fourkids]

I also think your DP needs to step in here and sort his DD out.

I dare say she's behaving badly for valid reasons, but none of those reasons are a good enough excuse for being unpleasant, nasty, and a bully. And it's your duty here to protect your DS from being bullied in his own home - which in part means ensuring that he doesn't get into trouble in the situation you have described - because it is nipped in the bud before it gets to that stage - by DH.

Am trying really hard not to sound funny, but am a bit horrified tbh...presumably DH is a nice caring man, and that is why you have fallen in love with him? In which case, how can he possibly laugh when his DD behaves in such a terrible way? Does he truly not see that this is unacceptable? Or actually does he see, but is torn by love for her and seeing her insecurity and (whilst knowing she is behaving badly) not wanting to alienate her and make HER feel unloved in her own home? Hugs for your DS, because IME it is awful when you have step-siblings and it is apparent that they are favoured in some way and allowed to get away with bullying you. BTW, my experience of this is that when a step-parent allows a step-sibling to bully you, you feel like they are BOTH bullying you and you desperately need your parent to stand up for you.

[mrshibbins]

I agree with the other posters. You can't let this bullying of your DS go on unchecked in your/his own home. If your OH won't tackle her about it, you need to let him know that you will, and every time she starts, you need to pull her up on it and tell her clearly, calmly and firmly that you don't care how badly she behaves outside the home, but that you will not tolerate verbal bullying within it - from anyone. If she persists, make her leave the table and go to her room. OH is doing her NO FAVOURS by not tackling this. Him laughing just reinforces the bullying.

[prettyfly1]

but also - make it very aware that your son must not retaliate. You will deal with it. If he does retaliate with name calling etc he is also to be punished. Otherwise it will be seen as unequal and it wont work.

[2rebecca]

I would be telling the daughter and father (separately) this is bullying and won't be tolerated. He doesn't sound much of a partner to be honest. I'd move out with my son if this sort of thing continues. SD is just behaving as many real sisters would, we used to argue all the timea as children. It's her dad who is out of line for not adopting a parental role towards your son and egging his daughter on in a rather juvenile manner. Have you just recently moved in together?