Different ideas in parenting will cause conflict.

[MamaMeercat]

I am due to move in with my partner in a few weeks. He has residency of his 12 year old daughter and she barely sees her mother. I will be taking with me two boys.

One thing I'm concerned about is that we both have different ideas on parenting.

His DD gets away with so much. She terrorises the pets (but says she's just caring for them), she eats constantly and she doesn't do anything for herself.

My kids are taught to respect all animals, eat sensibly and have been taking care of themselves from a young age.

I'm worried it will cause conflict.

For instance his DD does not get her own breakfast, meals or drinks. Her dad does it all. He gets her clothes out and ready for her, takes her rubbish away for her etc.

My kids are expected to get their own breakfast and their own drinks. They get their own clothes and take away their own rubbish.

His DD is allowed to eat much more than she should. The other day she ate 2 of those microwave burgers and 2 microwave hotdogs in the space of a few hours. Take-away food a few times a week, chocolate after bed time, endless yogurts and treats ... my kids won't be allowed to eat half of what she eats and I know they will rebel against it when they see her eating so much more (and she's already overweight).

The other night, me and DP treat ourselves to a takeaway (rare night together). He said "DD will play hell when she finds out we've had a take-away without her" so I said "well, my kids probably won't be too impressed but that's life".

He agreed that the kids have to learn that they can't always have what we have ... yet in the next breath he's promising that he will buy her a takeaway the next night to make up for it! My kids were told "tough" basically.

If I bring this up with DP will I sound like the wicked step mother before I've even moved in?? the difference in rules is going to make things so hard.

[BeehiveBaby]

As a 12 year old who lived with her dad and is now a step mother to a 13yr old, I am sure you will bring positives too. Eg. better diet will be welcomed eventually, house may look nicer as a rule, be more of a home, you can do/ discuss 'girly' things together.

A house charter is needed. Regular meetings scheduled with a everything off your chest amnesty would help.

Expect constant flouncing, melodrama and tears at the drop of a hat for the next 3 years BTW but that is normal!

[terrier141]

It sounds like you probably WILL disagree over parenting styles - but I think that is perfectly normal, it may be that you will both have to compromise a little bit - or he may actually see that your way is better!
I am in a similar situation and I have to be honest it is incredibly frustrating when my dc's can see the others getting away with murder - we have had endless rows over this and thankfully my dh is bending more towards my way of parenting. Onl time will tell I guess, but best to discuss your concerns early on or it will eat away at you.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Are you the poster whose stepdaughter is cruel to the cats and whose DP does nothing to stop it? Because I think there are more serious potential issues in blending this family than the SD being overweight.

[mrshibbins]

Oh my this rings true. When I moved in with my OH and SD (for whom he has custody) 2 years ago they BOTH treated the floor of the flat like a rubbish bin, discarding and dropping clothes, rubbish, bits of food etc, anywhere and everywhere. SD used to scream or cry and immediately get what she wanted (sweets, expensive toys, takeaways, meals out) and NOTHING was a treat any more, to the point where showered with birthday presents, instead of saying thankyou, she says 'is that all?'...

Two years on I am still having a constant uphill struggle to bring order to the chaos, and being accused of being too bossy and no fun. No wonder when all I do is pick up rubbish and clean! OH has NO idea of kitchen hygeine and has a total blind spot to mess. On the days that he is 'in charge' the house descends into a tip almost immediately, with SD reverting to old behaviour. Sometimes it really makes me want to scream/leave/just throw ALL their things away.

It's such a shame cos SD is basically a sweet kid, but you have to mould kids and teach them from a young age, and she was being taught to be a manipulative spoilt messy little monster ...

Boy oh boy do I have my work cut out ...

[prettyfly1]

She at HOW MUCH? Those plastic burgers are vile and crap and horrendously bad for a child that age. I think you need a good talk with your partner, BEFORE you move in about diet etc - maybe set some strict rules about mealtimes, eating together etc. Also a household rota is a good idea but rfemember you are moving into her space so dont expect it to be well received.

[mrshibbins]

I agree - it wasn't so bad for me as I didn't bring any of my own kids into the equation, but if I had, I'd definitely want to agree sensible ground rules FIRST.

Meals at mealtimes, sensible snack after school /with story before bed / be responsible for your own mess, and do an appropriately fair share of household chores. NB I don't force my SD eat her dinner if she is having one of her 'fussies' but I do make it clear that 'grazing' afterwards is not allowed, and neither is a sweet pudding. Then the choice is up to her.

N.B. my SD is SOOO much happier with boundaries and rules than she was without.... AND healthier AND better nourished

[mrshibbins]

Oh, yeah, plus she now has to EARN her pocket money by keeping her room tidy doesn't always work but A HUGE improvement!!

[SummatAnNowt]

So you're not talking to your partner about it before you move in because you might seem wicked?!

Surely in this kind of situation you should be talking out ground rules and brainstorming about what to do when things crop up.

Lack of communication is hardly an asset to a relationship.