My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice.

Step-parenting

I'm over-reacting to teenage behaviour

15 replies

Lulallure · 21/04/2009 09:24

Hello
I've been using this forum as a source of advice and support for a while but this is the first time I've actually posted myself.
I'm driving myself mad with over-reacting to what everyone tells me is normal teenage behaviour.
I've been with dp for almost two years, we've lived together in one house for the last year, before that we went between two houses.
He has three children - 16, 18, 20 - and they're mostly lovely.
I have no children, have never had any desire to be a parent, and won't be having any children with him.
The youngest sc is the only girl and spends the most time with us - usually one or two nights a week but sometimes more - on her demand.
This is what's winding me up. She knows exactly how to wrap her father round her little finger and he finds it really hard to say no to her - which she knows.
She's never been horrible to me, she's really polite and friendly - although she won't ever stay on her own with me or spend time with me without her father there. I've got friends that have had complete horror stories with teenage girls and I've had none of that.
What I can't bear is her attitude of expecting the world to revolve around her. She's like a four year old. She takes over our tiny house when she comes round, helps herself to the computer, puts what she wants on the TV and complains if we change it, wants dropping off and picking up from all over the place, and has tantrums if she's told no. I stay out of it all - I've never disciplined her or told her what to do. I don't feel it's my place. I make her dinner and she can't even be bothered to carry her plate to the kitchen never mind offer to wash up. She leaves the spare bedroom looking like a bomb site, and messes up the bathroom, and she helps herself to all my toiletries - even though I've bought her things of her own.
DP says this is all part of family life and I'm sure he's right, and I'm just not used to it. I feel like I complain about her all the time - when I ask him, he says it feels like that too. And I don't want to because I genuinely like her.
But it's really starting to upset me and I don't know what to do.....
I've got no-one to talk about it to which is why I'm on here. I'm sorry this is so trivial compared to some of the things people say. How do I get over having this teenager inflicted on me?

OP posts:
Report
morningsun · 21/04/2009 09:37

It is normal but it doesn't mean you have to live entirely as they did before now you are in the house.
Sit down and tell her you like her and you spending time together but please could she loook after her own space[room] and tidy up after herself[dishes to d/w,rubbish in bin,bathroom tidy].Ask her to ask you to borrow toiletries before taking them.
Explain to her you know her and her father are close and you respect that but for everyone to get along and for it to be fair,please to follow the house rules[which are for everyone]

Report
KingCanuteIAm · 21/04/2009 09:46

TBH, the one thing that strikes me from your pot is this "She leaves the spare bedroom looking like a bomb site". She ia a teenager who spends at least a cuple of nights a week at her fathers but yet has to stay in thspare room. If I were her I would be feeling a bit put out! She needs her own space, she needs to feel that she belongs in the home not that she is a guest!

All of the behaviour is normal and it sounds like she is actually very well behaved, for a teenager! Your fp is right, this is family life. Teenagers do not take plates out or tidy after themselves unless they have been trained to do it in some way!

I would suggest you and her dad sit her down andexplain to her that she is old enough to be helping out a bit and that, if she wants to be part of the family then she has to contribute too. Set rules about tv so you can all get what you want, look at the listings and decide what you particularly want to watch and tell her that ahead of time. However, I would also give her her own space, perhaps even her own tv in her room to avoid soe of the difficulties?

Report
morningsun · 21/04/2009 09:51

yes thats true~16 is still young it is her house too

Report
Lulallure · 21/04/2009 09:55

Thank you for this. It is calming me down to know that it's normal.
I just have to add a couple of things. We are living in my house, and it's only a two-bedroom terraced house. We both had two-bedroom houses, agreed to rent one out and live in the other, and are planning to sell both and buy somewhere bigger.
SD does call the 'spare' room 'her room' when she's there, but when one of her brothers stays it's 'his room', and when anyone else stays it's a guest room.
There is a TV, DVD player, stereo in there, and she does spend time there.
What I find hard to understand is that a 16 year old has no common sense and is still having toddler tantrums.
We are going to talk to her about helping out etc - I appreciate that I am expecting too much by thinking she will automatically know that she should tidy up after herself. My only experience of teenagers is my own - and it's clearly more than 20 years out of date!

OP posts:
Report
KingCanuteIAm · 21/04/2009 10:13

The thing is, teenagers are like toddlers in lots of ways! It really does sound like you have a good one there. Would it help to look at things the other way round? Perhaps do a bit of looking into how some other teenagers behave and then look at her and appreciate the things she is getting right? At 16 a lot of teens are to busy hanging out with mates, drinking (or worse) to have time to spend with Dad and his new partner.

Being a teen is not easy, parenting a teen is just as hard. Being dropped into the middle of a family as you describe must be very difficult and it is great that you are putting in time and effort to understand and help.

I do agree that she should ask before using your products and her dad should have told her that when you mentioned it in the past TBH.
Keep working at it and get your dp to work with you by establishing the rules and backing you up when you enforce them IYSWIM. (ie once he has told her to take her plate out after tea you should be able to just say "oh dsd, please take your plate through, I want to get the pots done" it would then be down to your dp to make sure it is done - straight away if possible!) Work up to things, start off getting the plates out then get dp to ask her to wash them/stack the dishwasher once in a while.

Report
BonsoirAnna · 21/04/2009 10:18

When I first became a stepmother with a shared house with my DSSs, I definitely found it difficult to establish the boundaries of my own personal space with my DSSs, especially the older one (who was 10 at the time). I took the line that the DSSs had their own bedroom and bathroom, and that they should confine their mess to their own space and not let it overflow into the shared space (kitchen, dining room, sitting room etc) in the house to a greater degree than I did (or DP did, or DD did).

It doesn't sound as if your DSD has her own room at your house, which is very difficult for her and makes it hard for you to enforce behaviours whereby personal mess is confined to personal space. Of course in those circumstances she "lives everywhere". Can you give her a room of her own? Some cupboards of her own? Her own computer/TV?

Report
Lulallure · 21/04/2009 10:42

I do think that having such a small house is making everything feel worse - for me anyway. SD does treat the spare room as her own room, she has a laptop and there's more stuff in there than in her own room at home. And she gets to sleep in a double bed, which she really likes and she doesn't have at home.
When we first moved in to one house, she wasn't happy about it being my house that we chose - and I can completely see her reasoning behind that - but she's adapted really well, although she still makes out that she doesn't know how to get here under her own steam and needs picking up all the time.
Your comments are really helping me. I'm not at all maternal, I know I was a nightmare teenager myself and I cringe when I think about my behaviour. I'm also impatient and intolerant.
I am going to make more of an effort to understand what she's going through. She was 14 when her parents split up and she's the youngest - the attention seeking is completely natural, it just might be time to tone it down. The two boys are different and don't irritate me at all but then we don't see them as often.
Since the split SD has had a few episodes - generally typical teenage things like lying about where she's going, and illicit drinking and parties, and she's had tattoos done (which I thought was illegal under 18). She's also clever enough to see that there are advantages to be had from having separated parents - she's had money out of both parents for the same thing, for example...

OP posts:
Report
BonsoirAnna · 21/04/2009 10:53

Thinking more about this, I really believe that it will be hard for you to resolve this problem until your DSD has her own personal space at your house.

How soon can you move?

Report
Lulallure · 21/04/2009 11:14

Moving isn't imminent - there are three different properties and mortgages involved and various other complications. It will be towards the end of the year or early next year...
So I need to learn a little compromise now - and so does she.
This has all given me so much to think about. I have been getting myself bogged down in what I've perceived as negative things but really I should be counting my blessings - I have an amazing man and a lovely life, and I don't have any of the hassle that lots of people are talking about on here... even the ex isn't a problem.
Maybe it's a leave the room and count to 10 when I discover dried-on soap scum round the bath, or no face wash left, or an empty fridge, or an empty house with open doors and windows.

OP posts:
Report
BonsoirAnna · 21/04/2009 11:17

I think you need to think about what are going to be shared space issues going forward, that your DSD needs to work on whoever she lives with, and what are the issues arising from you not currently having enough space to accommodate her decently.

Your DSD must learn not to leave the bathroom dirty, not to raid the fridge, to close doors and windows etc. But her messy room I think you should probably shrug your shoulders about, more or less!

Report
Hassled · 21/04/2009 11:20

I think it might be an idea to try and spend a bit of quality time on your own with her - a shopping trip (assuming she'll be seen in public with any sort of parent - mine wouldn't for a while), the cinema, something. A bit of bonding might help you dwell less on the overwhelming selfishness that is being a teenager.

What you describe is normal, but that doesn't make it acceptable. Once you've done your bonding, I think it's well within your rights to have a calm, measured chat re using your stuff, clearing plates away. Leaving all the "discipline" to your DH does undermine you in her eyes, and she will continue to take the piss - it's reasonable that you should a)have views and b)be able to express them. It's just how you go about it that matters.

Report
KingCanuteIAm · 21/04/2009 11:21

All of the things you list there (apart from the soap scum) are things she should be being told not to do, things your dp should be pulling her up on. However, teenagers eat, anything and everything usually. Perhaps get a strategy, put the ingrediants required for meals on a seperate shelf so she can be told that shelf is off limits. Replace face wash earlier, you know it is going to get used faster with two of you using it so buy it sooner than you would have in the past. Soap scum, make it one of her jobs to clean the bathroom once in a while to redress the balance. IME getting a teen to rinse the bath after them is a fight not really worth getting into

Report
Lulallure · 21/04/2009 11:50

Hassled - this comment is the key to it all I think

What you describe is normal, but that doesn't make it acceptable.

I am going to talk to DP about it definitely. His biggest concern is that he doesn't want to fall out with her, and he doesn't tell her off and lets her get away with things because of this, and because of guilt at leaving the family home etc... (nothing to do with my by the way - I came onto the scene later and all the kids know that).

He keeps trying to tell her certain 'rules' like not hanging wet towels on the floor, and clearing up after herself, but she ignores it and there are no consequences when she ignores it. So she's got no incentive to get it right. Am I being old-fashioned and unrealistic in my parenting ideas?

Because I got really upset about it all last night (not in front of her) he has agreed to have a talk with her and explain things better. Maybe you're right that I should be involved in talking to her as well - it could look like I don't care.

OP posts:
Report
Surfermum · 21/04/2009 12:29

She sounds just like my lovely 13 year old dsd . We live in a 2 bedroomed house and dd and dsd have to share when she's here, so she doesn't have her own space but she does have her own area and cupboards in the bedroom.

I found bottling it up until it spilt over and I started yelling didn't work because I looked like a screaming fishwife, and she'd just get wound up and it would all spiral.

I found just calmly asking "could you just take your plate out" or "could you pick up your things and take them upstairs" worked far better. No shit sherlock . I've had a chat with her too about how much I have to do in terms of doing a paid job and trying to run the house and support dh run his business - and it isn't fair that I have to do the lion's share of cleaning and tidying.

I also make sure I thank her every time she is doing something like loading the dishwasher, and tell her how helpful she is.

The one to one time is a great suggestion. We will often go to the cinema to see a girly film or something she wants to watch that dd is too young for. And she is now getting into shopping as well.

And I think what you mustn't forget in all this is that she clearly feels very comfortable at your house to be doing all these things - which is great, and you must have made her feel like that.

Report
prettyfly1 · 21/04/2009 13:49

Hey there

I dont think you are overreacting at all - 16 is a tough age and she is better then most but she is still more than old enough to respect some basic rules in the house, like putting her plates away and splitting tv time so everyone gets to watch what they want to. Also I would ask her not to touch your toiletries - they are yours and it is typical to do this but she still shouldnt be.

Good luck!

xx

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.