my ex-husband is ill

[samijen]

HI there Im new on mumsnet need to let off ateam as i'm in a really odd situation!!

My ex husband is quite seriously ill. I have been divorced from him for nine years and happily married now for five years.

This weekend he was taken into hospital with a bleed on the brain, and the whole family was bounced into a difficult situation. His children from his first marriage are adult, the children we had together are 16 and 14 (both boys) and the hosp he is in is a specialist hosp, 90 miles from where we all live.

My now husband and I took the boys across to see him yesterday, and he stayed outside while I took the boys in. It was incredibly difficult to see, lying there so weak and ill, the man I had once loved and trusted, no matter how much water had gone under the bridge by now.

I stayed with the boys and talked for a while, then left them with him also for a while. I felt upset and also disloyal. My relationship with him when we were married was, to say the least, difficult, perhaps bordering on the abusive. But all the same I loved him. I love my second husband in a much 'healthier' way, a way which i know will not damage me or him, and we are very happy together.

So why was I so disturbed by the sight of my ex, ill and weak, to the extent that i reached out and squeezed his hand and wished him all the best? i know what I have now is ten thousand times better, but still I did that.

so confused. and cant just leave this situation because my sons are involved.

any advice would be most welcome.

[DeathbyDora]

Actually from what I've read I think you should be congratulating yourself! FWIW I think you showed real maturity and compassion. It's also great for your boys to see you reach out to their father at this time no matter what bad feeling there may have been in the past.

In my experience it's always confusing to see an ex, no matter what the circumstances. You shared a huge part of your life with him and it is perfectly natural to feel a bit strange. I don't think squeezing his hand constitutes any kind of disloyalty. You would do that for any friend if they were in trouble.

I would be grateful for what you have now and not read too much into your feelings if you can help it? Not sure if that helps!

[samijen]

thanks for that, yes it means a great deal to me. I am grateful for what i have now, and tbh my ex is usually such an arse that i dont really bother commenting on his behaviour. I think it really is just seeing somebody, anybody, so ill and with no end to it really in sight, and i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.

my dh feels the same, and has also been incredibly mature and helpful in this situation, just making me feel even more that I am so lucky to have him.

I do wish my ex all the best, and it will be so much better for the boys if their dad can come home reasonably soon and see them as normal.

deathbydora, thanks for your insight x

[DeathbyDora]

[lisad123]

at the end of the day, he shared an important few years of your life, and you have 2 boys together.
I would say you behaved fine, and showed your boys how important their dad is to you and them at this time. I would be upset to see anyone like that, let alone someone i shared so much of my life with.
Good luck

[samijen]

thanks lisa i guess i just feel torn and wonder what my now dh thinks of it all. yes the boys dad is important to me as being their dad, and tbh we did have some happy years. i also know that the boys would be devastated if i appeared not to care because they are very worried at the moment, being old enough to understand that this is not a trivial health problem.

i have to say that if dh ex-wife had a similar problem, i wouldnt be surprised if he was equally concerned. also i read somebody on here saying that how you treat your ex is a good indication of how you may one day treat your partner so maybe dh finds it reassuring!!

thanks for your help x

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

Shows how lovely you are

[noddyholder]

You behaved perfectly for the boys i think you showed them about compassion and forgiveness with that one hand squeeze Well done x

[samijen]

Well he is still there, and my feelings are still confused. I think because he is quite seriously ill, and his future is so closely bound up with that of our boys, is partly why its bothering me so much.

I havent tried to confide in my husband about this confusion, as he knows the history of all the hassle over the years, and is sympathetic to a point with my ex in his situation, but only to a point. I dont know how i would feel if his attention was suddenly taken up by his ex wife being ill.

At the moment i am on here instead of sleeping cos i cant, everythings just going round in my head and it wont go away.

its not as if im still in love with my ex, but i once was, very much, and to know that he has been brought so low i find really difficult to deal with, it makes me feel quite tearful. then I realise there is no-one to really talk to about this in RL, thank god for this place.

thanks for listening

samijen

[prettyfly1]

I think that it is very human to feel the way you do. You shared children and a life with this man and like the others I read your post and was touched by the compassion that you have shown him. There can be a part of you that still loves him and cares what happens to him without it being a threat to your new relationship. Well done for being very brave and caring so much. You should be proud of yourself and the example you set your children.