My DP just had a huge row with his ex on my doorstep when she came to pick up their 2dss

[lizaminelli]

I am feeling a bit shell shocked.

My DP has 2 sons 8&12, we have been together 6 years and they spend half their time and most school holidays here. We also have a DD who is 2.

I have a really positive relationship with the boys, to the extent I potty trained the youngest who calls me his second mum.

Dp and his ex have an argumentative relationship and he sometimes deliberately winds her up.

Today they argued about who would pick up/drop off and both claimed to have had a bank holiday drink. Eventually she backed down and arrived to pick them up (she lives 5 mins away)

A horrendous argument followed at the door involving a face punch from her, witnessed by the boys. I was attempting to distract DD at the tim in another room.

I just don't know what to do about this for all three kids.

[prettyfly1]

Normally I would be inclined to say that you should call police over punch but not sure that will help. How is your relationship with her - this sort of argument between BOTH of them is totally ridiculous and unnacceptable behaviour from two grown adults - can you arrange pick ups and drop offs with her to save the kids this heartache.

[lizaminelli]

Thanks 'pretty' yes i'm beginning to think it may come to that.

[GypsyMoth]

They had both been drinking,there's the answer! All reason goes out the window iguess

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Why does she respond to his winding up?

[lizaminelli]

Actually when she turned up in the car she claimed not to have been drinking, but my DP then refused to allow the boys into the car hence the row.

I think they are both very argumentative. I very much disapprove of the winding up as I am not argumentative and hate the boys being witness to it

[lizaminelli]

They seem to have a complete block in communication. He had a can of lager in the garden, no more than that but doesn't like to risk driving.

He was worried she had had a few more as she generally spends bank holidays in the pub. I offered to drop them off in the morning.

At the door she then claimed not to have drunk anything but to have lied. This is the sort of exhausting conversation that goes on.

I know if it wasn't for the boys he would genuinely not have anything to do with her, it was never a good relationship. Built on two mistaken pregnancies.

I do also agree though that is is not beyond Dp to be an arse

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

IS your relationship with your DP good enough for you to be able to sit him down and say, look, stop acting like an arse here. Be the grown-up for the sake of your DC.
Because, while she may well be a nightmare, he's not helping the situation by the sound of it. And it may be that he's the sort of man who expects women to obey him and defer to him and never criticize him.

[Ronaldinhio]

I agree with dittany and sgb

You need to speak with him and ask him why he enjoys winding her up
Explain that it's infantile and not the sort of behaviour you find attractive in another human
Explain that violence ot goading to violence are shite and never to happen again, no excuses
Organise that they look after their children appropriately. There should be no uncertainty over who will be sober enough to deliver/collect the children.

For whatever reason they continue these Dynasty stlye dramas.
Face the fact that before you have a chat with him there might be an underlying reason for it (sorry)

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Hang on just a second, who says he "goaded her to violence" - and had it been a bloke who hit his ex, would you say, "She goaded him"?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Dittany, if she'd been "spend(ing) bank holidays in the pub," and he had only one can of lager, do you think he should have handed over his children to her - in a car she was driving? Or even into her care, when he was still fairly/legally sober?

Try a bit of reversal here ladies - "my drunk ex-p turned up in a car wanting to collect our DC after he'd spent all day in the pub - AIBU to say he can't take them?"

This is infantile behaviour?

[CreativeZen]

Strikes me that both parents were acting stupidly. Why couldn't the boys stay another day (if both parents weren't fit to drive) or the OP drive them home, or the mum pick them up later when the booze had worn off?

Doesn't sound like anyone was using their brain here.

[compo]

why did you suggest you drove them round in the morning?
why didn't you drive them round that night?
she was probably very angry about her dp keeping the kids an extra night
Did she drive them home whilst drunk then?

[Surfermum]

No, he absolutely shouldn't be deliberately winding her up, that's childish and doesn't help anything.

But she punched him. If this were a thread about a Dad who punched the Mum on the doorstep in front of the children, and who was thought to have been drinking everyone would be backing her up, telling her to go straight to the police and insist on supervised contact, if any - and he'd be getting ripped to shreds on here.

And I do think you should report this to the police. Should things get more difficult and you end up in Court over contact then you may well need evidence that she was the violent one. Besides, if you do it might make her think twice about taking it that far next time.

[Surfermum]

It's completely understandable not to let your children go in a car with someone who you believe has been drinking and unable to drive. You could look on it that he wasn't deliberately withholding them, but ensuring their safety.

The potty training should be something all 3 of them did between them if he spends half his time with each of them.

But the fact remains that she punched him, in front of her children and that is simply not acceptable.

[Surfermum]

Maybe the children don't know they were a "mistake" if that's what the pregnancies were. I was a mistake. I know that. It's a big family joke that mum had a square table and cried as there was nowhere to seat me . I have absolutely no problem with it because I have never been made to feel like I wasn't wanted.

I love the way he's the bastard for liza saying they were a mistake (and we don't know that they are words that he uses) ... yet his ex is the one who was violent.

[Surfermum]

Yes that's true, if was worried about her drinking before she arrived at the house he shouldn't have even contemplated arguing about who was going to do the driving.

I don't understand this goading thing though. It comes across like "oh well it was ok for her to hit him because he goaded her". Is that really what you mean? All the other issues aside, she has hit her childrens' father in front of them. No matter how much "goading" goes on in my book that is never acceptable.

And how the hell are those children feeling now? .

[ginnny]

Surfermum - you hit the nail on the head.
The poor children.
Liza - you obviously care for his sons and they trust you enough to think of you as a second Mum so you owe it to them to bang their stupid parents heads together and make sure they stop behaving like idiots.
If that means you organising the drop offs and pick ups from now on then that's what you should do.