Help me please..or rather ,my step kids and my husband (and Hi!) [grin]

[armystep]

My story is long and I apologise in advance. I met my husband over a year after he'd been separated (and posted Overseas for 8 months)
As they had separated just before he left he told no one (BIG mistake) although the kids denied being told, they knew (at the time they were in their teens and Dad was sleeping on the floor of his sons room).
Before he was sent Over seas, he was forced to make his separated wife his Power of Attorney as he has no other relatives and that was the law.
Needless to say he assumed she already had a new boyfriend.
During the time he was away working 24 hours a day nder gruelling conditions, his ex wife gambled over $30,000 of the money he sent home and she and her new partner (PLUS the partners kids and his kids) Over $70,000 was sent home for his family. The Partner earned a considerable sum and owned his house, plus the ex had a high paying job (over $50,000 a year)
My Husband was the ONLY soldier NOT to get mail and therefore his morale hit rock bottom. He was allowed one call home a week but they were never home.
He now suffers PTSD partly as a result of having no home suport network, and partly due to hat she was forced to endure as a Soldier.
His family didnt even send him a birthday card.
When he got back he was told by his son that "Mum had a new boyfriend" and he had been 'replaced' (his son is forgiven as he was 14 at the time).
His bank account (which he expected to be healty to say the least, was empty and overdrawn by two mortgage payments. All of that work was for nothing. She was also able to get many credit cards and overdrafs in his name which he was forced to pay once he returned (we are still paying them). He had no car, and no where else to go so he stayed on the floor in his sons room until it was too much to bear.
Shortly after that we met. I quickly recognised the severity of his situation when she told him "his new girlfriend was really ugly" and asked him to move in with me (share). She then told the kids I was a slut (tip of the iceberg of course...apparently I had been married 4 times!) Then, I wanted his money (there was none haha) but his wage went into their joint account (which I quickly made him change). She would have worked out that way my doing as she always handles the bills (nd they NEVER had any money and he could never figure out why as they earnt over $100,000 a year (she was already gambling we presume)- it was before net banking-which proved our suspicions re gambling- and she would NEVER show him statements)
After he moved out, she had him convinced that each of the kids should get $300 a pay (he was on about $50,000 before tax) and that he had to pay half the mortgage and the bills...after all it was HIS house too and his kids lived there.
He then filed for divorce.
Suddenly, they had only seen separated since he got back (a few months before).
In the meantime, she and her boyfriend had bought a block of land as she had a high paying job, and they were living in his house, renting out the matrimonial home.She lied about this ona sworn affadavit and said her and her partner were just 'friends'. We had a hopeless lawyer but this was all new territory to both of us!
He tried EVERYTHING!
Then the kids were the next pawns (eg IF you dont do this or that you will never see them again etc) Then it was my turn.
She then told him she was going to hurt my dog...and put a 'contract' out on me (what had I done?????) I tried for a restraining order, but the Judge just said no as "this happens all the time and to 'just deal through your lawyers'. She didnt have one at this stage. She then stood up in the court and said..."well when he drops them off after a visit can you get him to park up the road"...I am SURE if the Judge could have gone back she would have.
The kids HATED me (I was Dragon lady) as they blamed me for the divorce! Why? I have no idea...what about the boyfriend???
By this stage we were a couple, but I stayed out of it unless I saw her doing something that I knew wasnt legal (eg she told him as he was living with me, I would have to pay child support too)
She sent document after document for me to sign (I didnt). I was supposed to sign things that said "I will have nothing to do with the kids" "the kids will not be at my place of work at ANYTIME (I was a pianist who played at five star functions and markets etc...pretty rough kinds of dives!)
She then took him to court to stop the divorce, she suceeded by getting her friend to lie for her!(and tried again later but failed).
We were already up for over $70,000 in legal fees and credit cards (that were now in his name) and she took his kids along to court to speak against me and their Dad (they didnt know me) but their Dad would not allow it, so it didnt get to court. The kids never knew that.
She got the house, half of his super for life, the car, her super, while he got all the debts.
We could no longer afford to fight. This was over 15 years ago and we have not been to any of the kids major events in their life (21sts, graduations etc) and yet they STILL dont stick up for us either even though they dont even live with them anymore (they are terrified of her we assume-why? we have no idea).
We are told by the kids who are now adults, neither who can hold down a relationship, that "Dad was the winner as he is happy and Mum and the partner 'who replaced their Dad' fight all the time"
We dont know if this is true or if they are trying to make their Dad feel better. He doesnt care as he is happy with me. We are battling (and slowly chipping away) at the debts and only have about $25k to go, but we have had nothing...not even a honeymoon.
This yar the kids asked us if it was ok for them not to buy us presents for Xmas or Birthdays as they had spent all of their money (on Mum and bf...who have the cash to give them expensive gifts...wheras we give thoughtful ones (that probaby end up in the bin).
People keep telling us the kids WILL wake up to her and remember the lies and the cheating and what went on, and how we NEVER said a bad word about them, yet we were "ALL they spoake about".I dont believe that things will ever be truly honest and ok.
As they are now in their late 20s and are still keeping secrets from their Dad and lying about where they live. Of course we made it our business to know!
One was shocked to know that we knew they were holidaying OS..."how did you find out???" WHY WOULD THEY NOT WANT US TO KNOW??? Why would we care? Why are they still lying? They are good kids in so many other ways.

Is there a way out of this?
I now have an awkward relationship with my step daughter...and barely one with my step son.
At least they like me now I guess, and realise that their mother actually did NOT know me when she was busily telling them what a whore i was and a gold digger (if I was a gold digger I would have left years ago)
I am now my Husbands Carer. He hurts so much but still makes excuses for his kids shameful adult behavior.
I stay away when I can.
This would not be so strange if it had not began over ten years ago!! It is now 2009!

What can I do? I can see the kids will be needing deep therapy as they still have to sneak over to see their Dad. We were 'allowed' 90 minutes on boxing day. Despite the fact we recieved nothing, we gave them little gifts plus $50 each in a card. They couldnt wait to get away from us to spend it.
My husband has a (what he calls) close relationship with his daughter but it is VERY superficial as he doesnt want to scare her away by mentioning the past or asking her why they said and acted they way they did.
PLEASE help me.
Or should I be grateful for the minor time we are allotted?
To me these kids need a boot in the bum and told to wake up to themselves, I would be such a great step mum...everyone who knows me including my husband says how lucky thhose kids are. HAH! I am NO Step Mum.
Their Father spent 32 years in the Army supporting them and making sure they didnt have to move too often by not taking promotions..the kids dont know this.
He is so heartbroken but tries not to show it.
It is ALL the ex wifes doing, and she would be so proud of what she has achieved.
We live on nothing (but are genuinely happy) while they travel the world with my husbands super (of course not wanting us to know) They also have NO idea we know where they live. I am so tempted to send them...something to let them know we know whre they live...but what?
For years (before they moved into their huge new house), I sent Xmas presents for the whole family including the BF's kids.
We were told by the kids that many jokes were made of it, and they ended up in the bin.Thats Ok at least the kids got to see what we had done.
Why I am still hurting from this? I cant sem to get past it. Why is she still so bitter when the ONLY people being affected are the kids? (she doent know about how mad I am). The sad thing is their Dad wont be in ANY of their photos and once he dies that will be it. One day early on (in front of the bf, she actually tore all of the kids pics of their Dad up so they have very few photos of him as a baby and none of them with him when they were young.

Please if there is anyone out there who has had a similar problem, please tell me what to do.
Cheers and thankyou so much for your time

[Tigerbear]

So sorry to hear about your situation, what a sad thing to happen to you and your DH and his kids. However, as hard as it may be, I think the time is right to try to just get on with your life and accept that things are probably never going to be totally right with the kids. I know that's easy for me to say, and maybe a little harsh, but from what you've written, so much has happened over the past 15 years that simply can't be reversed, no matter how much you would like it to. The 'kids' are now adults, and to be honest, I don't think it sounds likely that they either have the inclination to want a stepmum, or to put aside all of the lies they have told for so long. If they have been 'programmed' from a very early age that you and your husband are the bad guys, then unfortunately it would take a long time for them to see the situation any differently, even if they wanted to, and had family counselling or something similar. They have to make their own decisions now, and deep down they probably know that what their Mum has done to you and your husband is wrong, but don't know how to put things right as everything is so deep rooted.

But for your own happiness, you need to lose the hurt, otherwise the ex will have 'won' and continue to dominate your thoughts. What's happened has happened, and as you say, you and your husband are happy together (completely opposite to the ex and her partner!). I wish you the very best of luck with it all.

[armystep]

thanks guys...I know you are right. These people lie all the time and I guess its just not the way I am so it still shocks me. But I know I have to let it go. I just don't know how I'm supposed to treat them when they want to come and visit (occasionally). I suppose I should just act as if nothing has happened. After all they can see how happy their Dad is now, and how unhappy her was before....its sad watching them struggle with their relationships, and the daughter does try to be me 'friend' but I don't feel qualified to comment on anything as I know we wont be involved anyway. I so hate the lawyers who did this. And when I read some of the stories here it makes me so mad. They are just destroying peoples futures for money! And the parent who is after the money seems to lose their commonsense and care of their children's future mental health. It makes me glad I have never had kids to let people damage! No...I know there are so many great mothers out there...that's wrong...its just that I don't ever want to see this happen to any other kids (or men) but I know it will and I feel helpless.
Thank You though. I really appreciate the time you took to read and answer my letter
Cheers x
PS BTW Do you think there will ever be a time when the kids realise the ruth and remember what really went on?...or remember what their mother did?...or has it just been blocked out for good as its all too hard and complicated for the ages they were when it happened for their brains to comprehend?

[theoptimist]

Dear armystep, I'd just like to say that I think your husband has the most priceless thing - happiness. I gave everything to my ex for that, and it's been worth it. I have a huge mortgage, no savings, no pension, etc., I let my ex keep our house (100% of it!), he keeps his pension, savings, etc., he can afford holidays, etc., but you know what - I don't care, besides our kids benefit from it in the long term. I couldn't afford a solicitor and all that materialistic stuff meant nothing to me, but meant everything to him. You just can't buy happiness and love, and I have that now - without the 'stuff'. Your husband has that as you say, and I hope you can feel it too, when you let go of the unfairness of the situation.

Just let the kids work things out for themselves, be friendly, enjoy what time you have with them, have fun with them, and forget all what his ex has done - they will know!.

It's awful what your husband went through, and you too! But you are richer than his ex and her partner - in love and happiness, and a clear conscience.