Oh no.....Am I wrong???

[prettyfly1]

Dh ex just called. Apparently over easter she wants us to have dss one week and she will have him the other.

I work from home, he and my son do nothing but bicker and fight, which dss then uses to get my son into trouble and whispers things to him to get him to do naughty things (my son is two years younger, not quite four) and at the moment becuase he is very angry about his parents split and acting out, every visit here is a fraught stressful nightmare.

I may sound awful but I really dont want to do it. He has only been in my life for 7 months and I really dont want to have to look after him for a week running. I pay for everything cause partner is a student and I dread his visits, as his mum openly admits to buying him everything he wants to make him happy so he expects the same here.

I understand he is having a hard time, there has been masses of upheaval in his little life and it isnt surprising that he is angry so am trying to make one on one time with him to help the situation and am being as understanding as one can when faced with a 6 year old who stands at the top of the stairs screaming for thirty minutes when he doesnt get the dvd he wants because it was his brothers turn but I cant do it - I really feel like I have had enough at the moment.

So stressed with work and dp is putting loads of pressure on to do it. TBH I was having serious doubts about whether or not I could carry on as a step so this is a nightmare.

HELP. If i am being an arse please tell me - I can take it but I just dont think I can cope with another week after the weekend and lst couple of days which have been utterly hellish.

[Hassled]

You're not being an arse but not sure what the solution is - could your DP take a couple days off during the week and spend some "quality time" (read - out of the house) with him?

[claricebean]

As your DP is a student presumably he has the holidays off too. Is he likely to be doing the lion's share of the childcare, given that you are working?

[ConnorTraceptive]

I think your dh needs to be there tbh. A week is to much pressure for you and your step son

[BeehiveBaby]

Will DP be on holiday too?

[jugglingwoman]

If your DH isn't there then to be frank, he's being a rubbish Dad. He's the constant in his son's life not you.

Saying that, 7 months is a bloody short time to expect things to work well. How long ago did his parents split up?

My DH and I were together for a few months before his son met me and then we were 'friends' so I didn't see him a lot. It eased him in.

But, things will get easier and settle down. However, I'm afraid you'll need to make an effort and effectively get slapped in the face for doing so.

As for him expecting things, my DSS's grandparents buy him everything he wants (and a lot he doesn't). If you don't give in, he'll get used to it. My DSS now thinks Nanny buys him all sorts of things he doesn't want. But thankfully he's not an I need child and is just as happy with things that cost 20p!

[prettyfly1]

He is off but is very behind on coursework so wants to spend the time with catching up on that. I have basically jsut come up wtih my own suggestion - I am going to work at my companies office for the week. I do feel shoved out but I cant underestimate how bad things are at home and I know if I am trying to work and they are screaming and shouting at one another I will end up losing my rag.

They seperated about 20 months ago. I really feel for him, as both his parents fell to pieces over the split and his nan, who is insane but very good hearted was the one person who really looked after him. Its been constant upheaval for him and like I said, I am not surprised he is angry, but it is just so hard.

I was introduced fairly slowly - over four months before my partner moved in.

I really didnt anticipate how tough raising someone elses child would be - we have him fifty percent of the time, which I didnt expect and there are times when I could just cry, my own son is also acting up terribly over being forced to share his space - which again is fair enough and I hate being in my own house because of all the noise and shouting. Dss isnt happy and its so not his fault - he is just a little boy but it is so difficult to try and keep the peace. I just feel like I spend all the time telling them off!

I know this is probably just a bad day and I will feel better tomorrow but I am seriously exhausted and no matter how much i love my partner just not sure i can do it for another 12 years. I love kids and normally get on really well with them but this is so tough.

[overweightnoverdrawn]

but you cant leave your ds at home with dss dad .

[jugglingwoman]

It is horrible but at least you have the experience of bringing up a child which should make things easier.

The most important thing is to make his life (and your son's) as stable as possible and that takes time, patience and a lot of biting your tongue.

My DH's first wife died so I don't have an ex to worry about (and I don't have children of my own) but, I still found it very difficult as his upbringing has been different to mine. Thankfully my DH is very supportive, is very open about what he likes about my parenting style (and subtly discusses what he doesn't) and has always offered me 'time out' so I don't feel trapped. I've never had to use it but saying that, I once drove somewhere (can't remember where) in tears as my DSS had been a nightmare and I felt I was making his life harder and not helping him like I wanted to. Luckily he didn't notice as he was in the car sitting behind me and my now DH sat there very quietly waiting for me to be more rational.

[prettyfly1]

I will be for a couple of days - they have known one another for years so its slightly different - not as my partner, but dp and i have been friends forever. The other times he will be going to my sisters for one day, to play with his cousin who is the sane age and his best friend, and my mum. Its not bloody fair as I am not going to see him, whereas I normally get two full days a week with him but then the way I see it is the following week I can have him full time and he will love getting to spend so much time with my family.

[monkeylaine]

Hi there. I understand where you're coming from when you say you're having serious doubts - it can be really hard work being a step parent. I think it only fair that your DSS should be able to stay with his dad for the week during Easter, but it's his dad who he's really there to spend time with (as he doesn't know you so well yet!), so he should be there to care for him and spend quality time with him, along with your support when you're not working, so you can also operate as a family.

If you work from home, your partner should give you the time and space you need to work, and take the children out so you can get on and continue doing what's needed to financially support the family, as you do. If he needs to get on and do things too for his studies, then your partner needs to arrange holiday club or something for the kids on one or more of the holidays, or schedule his studies for a later time, when you're not working.

There's nothing you can do about your DSS being spoilt by his mum and grandparents. You don't need to do the same for him and your DSS will adapt over time and learn that things are different with different family environments. Maybe you could take your DSS for a walk and have a proper chat to him about these things. I know my 6 year old (now 7) understood a lot. It can be confusing for a child when they're expected to just know there are different rules and lifestyles at different places. When my kids wanted things I couldn't afford, I would ask them if they wanted me to work longer and put them in nursery, etc.? and they said no, they wanted me to collect them from school (they were 4 and 6 at the time I had this chat!). I explained I would save up instead, and so gave them a little money to save for their things, which they kept track of. They're great at saving now. My 5 yr old saved for Nintendogs over many many weeks, and was able to have it last week. So now they know how to get the things they want in my family environment - with no fuss. The main thing is, they have a way to get the things they want, and they soon adapt to not being able to have these things NOW.

You might also want to talk to his mum about how you're to deal with your step son's behaviour as you simply can't supply things when he screams for them. Run your's and your partner's methods of discipline by her, she might be able to offer a suggestion too (hopefully!) or just let her know you can't operate as she does, so for her to expect this situation.

[prettyfly1]

Juggling woman - thanks. That kind of is how I feel at times - I want to give him stability and makes things nice for him but I feel sometimes like I am fighting a losing battle iyswim.

Dont get me wrong I dont expect it to be all sunshine and roses and I wasnt expecting swiss family robinson - the kid has had such a hard time that he was bound to kick out. His mother also has a new partner, who also now lives with her so there is just so much for him to adjust to that his poor little brain must hurt with it, but I also wasnt prepared for finding it quite this hard. Friday night with the hysterical screaming incident, I really did just want to go in another room and cry. Does anyone know of any great step parenting books that can give tips on how to deal with this sort of thing?

[piscesmoon]

I am sorry,you won't like what I say, but as I see it he is an equal DC to your DC. He came as a package with your DP and you can't have one without the other. He is a small DC whose life has been turned upside down. DP could do with being at home to help. You need to sit down and talk to DP about how you are going to handle his visits. If you look at it from a 6yr old's point of view-his daddy has gone to be the daddy of another little boy. There will be anger and jealousy. You have to find a way to cope-preferably with the ex. Perhaps you should get outside help. It will be more than 12 yrs-DP is a parent for life.

[prettyfly1]

Monkey that is really good advice and wierdly I did take him for a walk yesterday wiht our dogs, which is when all the stuff about how difficult he is finding it came out. I felt really like we were making progress until about 5 o clock last night, when he and my son suddenly became howling horrors again and started being awful to one another - my son is just as bad in many instances btw and he gets punished more as he is mine so follows my rules. I think that the saving up money idea is really good. My dss seems to see money as equaling love and is literally obsessed with counting it, how much things cost and what he has been bought this weeks - which makes sense when you think about it - but isnt healthy in a six year old so maybe cutting it right back and making him earn the things he wants is a good idea.

[prettyfly1]

oh god picses I totally get that, which is why I have said all through all of my posts that it isnt his fault, he has every right to be confused and angry and have arranged to be away myself this week. Its also why i am questioning whether I am cut out for being a step - not whether i should let him stay here or not - cutting his visits down is out of the question as it would just reinforce his fears and make the behaviour worse. Both boys are important but only one of them is mine and I am just not sure I am right for this.

Btw I made my dp call his x last night to talk about how unhappy dss was and talk through how they could support one another in attempts to fix it - the way i see it you can divorce one another as partners but you never divorce as parents. When he is an adult however it will be different as you stop raising your kids at that point and just advice - that wasnt my way of saying i will get rid of him then and sorry if it came across that way.

[prettyfly1]

also - and again honest feeddback is totally fine - would i be totally out of order to ask for more notice over major changes like this - I am really quite new to this so am not really sure what everyone else does - do you know well in advance what you are doing over a holiday, is there a rota system in place or is it normally a last minute depending on what is happening thing. Is there a norm or is it family dependent.

[prettyfly1]

quick update - told dp that it is fine to have dss next week - he is HIS daddy and it is so important that he has that time with him. He will have three days with his dad while i am at work and ds is away, one day with his nan who he adores and one with his dad and my ds. Next weekend I have suggested going to a theme park for the day to have some fun with all of us. BUT i have asked that he and his ex communicate over holiday arrangements much further in advance - dropping it on me three days before is difficult with how crazy the schedules here are.

I hope that sounds reasonable and thanks guys for the advice.

[piscesmoon]

Hope it goes well-it sounds reasonable. I didn't mean to sound too harsh, you obviously want to get it 'right' or you wouldn't be posting.

[prettyfly1]

Thanks Pisces - you werent harsh at all - I would rather people were honest.

[marie1979]

tell your husband he needs to look after his son he can catch up on coursework when his little one has gone to bed after all it sudnt be left to you he needs to take responsablity for his son and thats what mothers do kids FIRST and whatever they have to do last

[marie1979]

sorry just read rest of thread you sound like a lovly step mom and he is lucky to have you well done u done a lovely job of sortin it out

[Surfermum]

I think you've described exactly what is so hard about being a stepmum. I'd be lying if there weren't times when I found it incredibly difficult and left the house and went to the shops or grabbed a mate and went out for a big drink.

It's so hard when it isn't your child who is the one playing up. There are so many dynamics to take into accout, and of course as soon as we put our hands up and say we are finding it difficult there's all the guilt that we "should" be able to deal with it, we're the adult, he's only a little boy with lots going on. That's true, but it doesn't mean we can find it difficult at times. It's no different to finding parenting your biological child difficult at times.

I found the Relate Guide to Stepfamilies helpful. But you're going to do OK you know, you have so much insight and you sound so lovely (and we agree on everything it seems, so you must be .

[prettyfly1]

Thanks surfer - not too sure about that but thankyou