Am i out of order?

[jaynel]

Hi, i have a SD who is 11 and i have a dd 10 and a ds 3, i have been with my dh for 8 years and have done a lot for my sd, she lived with us for a while, we have her every weekend, we take her on days out, holidays etc, i treat her like i treat my own, we never leave her out,and i have her when my dh is at work and school hols, but just lately she is being nasty to my dd, and lying about me to her mum so i have started keeping my distants a bit, anyway i got free tickets to go to a wildlife park and as my husband was at work i asked for him to arrange for someone else to have his dd so i could spend the day with my kids. my dh was fine about this but his ex is being really horrible, she is saying im out of order, i leave sd out, i only ever have sd when it suits me (which is totally not true, its when it suits her) and now im not allow to have her without my dh here, she used to walk here from school on a friday but now she isnt allow cos my dh isnt here, she said my sd doesnt want to be arround me without her dad here, im really upset about this as she has been around me for 8 years, i wasnt intending to be horrible just wanted to spend a well earned day with my own children, am i out of order?

[jaynel]

[catsmother]

I personally don't think you're out of order. Sounds more to me like the ex is peed off at having to care for her own daughter for a change.

[Surfermum]

There is clearly something going on for her if she was Ok with your dd and now isn't, and has started to say stuff about you.
It sounds to me like there is something she isn't happy about and that is coming out in her behaviour towards you and your dd.

To be perfectly honest, I think you would have been better spending some one to one time with her, rather than excluding her, to see if you could find out what is upsetting her. And if you wanted to take your children out for the day to do it when she wasn't there, because if she is feeling excluded and like she isn't treated the same, you've just gone and shown her that that is the case.

Could you arrange to do something with just her the next time she is with you?

[deanychip]

What is your relationship like with the ex wife?

Could you meet with her for coffee to have a chat about what she thinks is bothering the child?
It might be wise to form an alliegance for consistency and support by the 3 most important adults in her life.

[flowerybeanbag]

If you've been caring for her and 'treating her like your own' since she was 3, then regardless of her behaviour changing recently, I do think trying to get someone else to have her when she would otherwise be with you so you could take your 'own' children out is out of order tbh. She isn't with you all the time, so if you want to spend time on your own with your children do it then.

I was brought up by a step mother from the age of 5 and if I had been playing up at the age of 11 and as a result she had taken my two step brothers out by themselves I would have been most upset tbh. She always treated me as her own consistently, even when I was a horror.

I agree that spending some time with her on her own might be a good idea to get to the bottom of what's making her behave this way.

[jaynel]

me and the ex have never really got on but because i had her dd a lot she was ok with me because (her words) i do a lot for her. maybe i could spend some 121 with her but its hard because she has hurt me and i feel really let down, she is jelous of my dd because her dad lives with us i cant help that?

[nickschick]

Jaynel Im not being unpleasant but i think you knew what you were doing would upset her,and just by saying her dad lives with your dd and you cant help it to me sounds quite cruel,I think that your sd is at a very awkward age where strong feelings can really hurt and mix up a childs emotions and instead of being supportive and continuing to treat her as your own, you have in your own words distanced her.

Think about it from her point.

[Surfermum]

I was going to say in my last post that she must find it hard that your children get to live with her dad full-time and she can't.
No, you can't help that. But you can allow for it and do something about it. And yes, they do say things and do things to hurt you, but you have to look beyond the behaviour and think about why they are doing it and try to resolve things.

[jaynel]

my sd, is an only child at home and is spolit with money, playing out etc, when she comes here we are a family and have a routine and rules, when she goes 2 her grandmas, she is spoilt, given money, gets taken out 4 dinner and cinema etc, so in some ways she hates coming here i feel if i take her out and spend 121 with her she will get what she wants everywhere she goes, someone has to set an example and thats what im trying to do, we go on holidays and days out when we have the money, not when she wants it. she is a diffucult child but i have never turned my back on her, now im the big bad step mum

[jaynel]

is it such a bad thing to want 2 spend 1 day with my own children, sd is not mine, i have her a lot and just wanted a day off

[Surfermum]

But it's not about how much money is spent on her or things you buy her, it's about giving her time and making her feel like she's as important as the other children who live with you. You can do that without spending loads of money, and you can do that in a way that any demands she may have aren't pandered to.

[nickschick]

I dont think its your 'position' to set the examples tbh.

Im not saying you are the 'big bad stepmum' what I am suggesting is perhaps you have issues with the ds in comparison to your dd- it may well be that the sd is spoilt rotten it may well be cos they are trying to compensate for her not having her daddy ....because in effect hes being daddy to someone elses little girl.

[jaynel]

we do do that, every weekend she is here but its not enough, she is constantley asking if we are going out or what are we doing today and is always texting her mum, what more can i do?

[Surfermum]

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a day out with your children without her. It sounds like she goes get plenty with her mum/grandparents. But it would have been better to do it when she wasn't with you.

And from her point of view it will look like you didn't want a day off, just a day off from her - and that is very hurtful.

Can you tell us a bit more about the sorts of things she has done to your dd and things she's said about you?

[jaynel]

i couldnt do it on a day we dont have her as we have her every weekend, an this was the only day i could get free tickets. she takes the micky out of my dd, winds her up, takes things off her, acts like she is better than my dd. she lies about me, she was texting her mum saying i was being horrible to her and i left her downstairs on her own. here is what happened, i was in my room tidying up, dd and sd where down stairs on ds's, sd was turning tv over and everytime dd began to sing a song that was on tv sd turned over, dd came upstairs and told me so i told her to go and play her ds in her room, sd texted her mum saying what i said above

[flowerybeanbag]

If you could only get free tickets for a day when she was there she should have gone with you. She would have felt very excluded.

If you want to spend time with your DC without her, do it when she isn't there, simple as that.

[jaynel]

are you not reading the thread flowerybeanbag, she is here EVERY weekend!

[Surfermum]

What does your husband say about her behaviour. What do either of you do about it?

Does he ever get one to one time with her? Does he ever try to talk to her and get to the bottom of what is going on?

I understand that her behaviour is difficult, but I'm sorry I really don't think that excluding her from that trip has helped. Sorry I can't be more supportive as I know how difficult being a stepmum can be.

[jaynel]

thank you and yr right its hard being a step mum, harder than being a real mum, i dont try to or want to exclude her but she has her mum to herself my children dont, 1 day is nothing thats the way i see it, i am not one of these step mums whos trys to get in the way or stops the child coming round ive always had her, i used to have her more than her own mum did but when u get lies in return it hurts

[mothersmilk]

jaynel i ahve the same thing with my dss i also have a dd and ds both of wich are with dss's daddy my dh i can empathise with you i often feel dss is spoilt with money outings toys attention ect. and i also feel as though its down to us to set another example of life ie. a family life because its normal and i think it is ous position as step mothers to do so and that our dsc will benifit from it in the long run and one day maybe even thank us (maybe) i think you are well within your rights to want some time with your dc its not easy to have to constantly make sure everyone has equal amounts of time and attention sometimes we just need a brake your dsd is 11 i imagine hormouns are kicking around now and i would also imagine that maybe mummy-daddy issues are going to raise there head and i think its something we just have to role with and as long as you and dh hold up a united front hopefully it can be smoothed over but at the end of the day its not your or your dc's folt that daddy doesnt live with his dd

[Hawkmoth]

I don't think it's wrong, but someone obviously feels inconvenienced

If all the kids were yours, it would be reasonable to, occasionally, do things seperately. My sister used to go shopping with my mum, I used to go to rugby with my dad.

Sounds like your DSD is just flexing her muscles a bit, at 11 you and her mother shouldn't be taking things personally, just trying to deal with it.

[flowerybeanbag]

yes I am reading the thread thank you very much, 'every weekend' isn't 'every day'. You have 5 days a week just with your DC, if she is only with you 2 days a week in the first place trying to offload her for one of those days so you can spend more time just with your 'own' DC is going to be a kick in the face for her. It's not the right way to deal with her behaviour imo. I appreciate it's difficult but I think that was wrong.

[jaynel]

thank you mothersmilk. flowerbeanbag, yr entiled to yr own opinion and thats fine, i know my children are with me in the week but i work, by the time i get home at 4pm im knackered, then it tea, etc where do i find the time?

[flowerybeanbag]

FWIW I think my opinion might be different if this was a more recent thing - if she'd only become your step child in the last year or two or something, and your DC had previously been used to having no siblings.

But as you've essentially brought her up since as long as she can probably remember, and since she will have been a sister to your DC since they were born, that's my opinion in those circumstances. From the point of view of someone brought up in that situation I would have found it incredible hurtful and I think she will have too.

[mothersmilk]

flower are you a step parent? and if so everything in your garden must be rosy but for us mere mortals as much as we love and cherish our dsc there will always be times were we think briefly (and these times are few and far between) that we wish we wernt step parents because somtimes its danm hard i to am a step child so i also know how that feels aswell