Help - not quite there yet!

[onionlove]

Hi everyone,
I have been reading this thread for quite a while and find the discussions very helpful. I have been with my DH for nearly 6 years, married for 3 and he has a D from a previous relationship, my SD. We didn't have the greatest start as his ex wouldn't let SD meet me for about a year and a half after we got together. They weren't together when we met but he was on call for her when he was single but that changed when we got together. Since then DH has no relationship at all with his ex and they communicate mostly by email. My DH's parents have my SD at least one day a week and live in the same town as her mother so they do her a lot of favours and are pretty close. I can understand why they want to support her but in my view they do too much and not enough for DH and I. Over the last few months we have had a trying time as amongst other things I had a miscarriage. We told DH's parents what happened to get support but they didn't really care, all they are concerned about is my SD. They play the messenger for DH's ex because she says she can't get hold of him but the truth is she doesn't give him a chance to respond to her texts before she is straight on the phone to his mum to ring us, and his Mum always does it, I don't understand why she keeps putting herself in the middle. DH's parents have never invited us over for drinks, a meal or anything, they are only interested in seeing SD. I feel like my family is divided into me, DH and SD at the weekends she is with us and the rest of the time it is DH, his Mum and SD. I know that he makes phone calls to his Mum and his ex when I am out of the house and I just feel like I am being left out of things. His Mum said the other day that she wouldn't be in when we were thinking of popping in on the way to somewhere and then phoned again to say "you can bring SD in though if you like" - I felt like asking her if I should wait in the car. DH doesn't talk to me about anything that happens to do with SD and I have to nag it out of him (he's not a great talker anyway!) and I'm just feeling more and more left out. SD rang at the weekend and he didn't phone her back or tell me that she'd rung. I know he is probably trying to be sensitive as I do find it hard dealing with having a SD after the m/c but leaving me out of everything is making me feel worse. I have tried to ask him to update me on stuff to help me feel more involved but he still doesn't. I know this is probably a case of men not thinking but I would rather be part of everything that's going on. Any ideas anyone?

Thanks

Onion x

[ElenorRigby]

Hullo

My sympathies, DP has been separated from his ex for 5 years and his mother still has a picture of their wedding hanging on the wall He has asked her numerous times to take it down but she's ignored his wishes.
I too have felt slightly pushed out by DP's family, it's like not quite accepting its over by his mother in particular.
In your case I think your DH needs to make it clear you are part of the family and that you are not to be left out of things. They need a reality check, you are his wife not the ex. It's all well and good that IL's are on good terms with an ex but IMO in your case they have gone too far.

Not sure that that helps but I do kinda understand.

[jaynel]

Maybe you should speak to the ex and ask her what her problem is, after all you are part of her life now

[ElenorRigby]

Are you able to have a polite chat with your DP's ex jaynel?
I dont chat or negotiate with my DP's ex at all. I maintain a polite, mysterious and cool distance. Both me and DP feel it's his job (the poor sod) to deal with her.
Of course I talk to DP about things concerning DSD and express how I feel, but I will not be seen to have an opinion.
We both feel to be seen to be wading into the situation would not be helpful.

[ElenorRigby]

EDIT
We both feel for me to be seen to be wading into the situation would not be helpful.

That does leave me with one heelva bottom lip sometimes

[onionlove]

Hi ER, thanks for your message, its nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles sometimes. I think they go too far as well but I think they are just resistant to change and want to keep everything like it was, they always say they do these things for SD sake but I really think its for themselves. Myself and DH have pretty much resigned ourselves to the fact that we will both always have a distant relationship with them mainly centred around SD. DH often says that they were never that supportive of him before he had SD anyhow! I find it difficult to cope with more than he does but I guess that's because my parents are the opposite and always put their kids before their grandkids.

Jaynel - thanks for your message, in terms of the ex, that is a no-hoper I'm afraid, I have never had any contact with her other than having to get the police to contact her about harassement and threatening behaviour towards me. Like ER I don't have anything to do with her, unfortunately DH has to and we both wish he didn't because it is always difficult. But actually its not really her that's the problem as we have found a managable situation as far as she is concerned, my real issue is the fact that DH parents seem stuck in the past and want to involve her, DH and SD in their family but not me.

Thanks for your support girls!