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Step-parenting

Not all ex-wives are bad...... (Sorry long....)

26 replies

talie101 · 29/03/2009 15:55

I'm sick to the back teeth of my ex-husband making me out to be the bad one here and I just wanted to make you aware that sometimes it's your partners/husbands that distort the truth to make it better for them!

Long story cut short... exh kept in touch with his ex-girlfriend for most of my marriage behind my back. He eventually left me... swore not for you but ended up announcing he was with you to all just after we officially got divorced! He made life completely unbearable for both me and the dc's (2 yrs, and 6 months when he left) being very verbally abusive and a couple of times physically abusive.. witnessed by eldedst dc who had to have counselling to help her... still suffers now on occasions according to how ex is towards me! I don't know what his problem is... he left me! I didn't shit on him!

We are now almost 5 yrs down the line and he is still causing tension between us all... I don't care about him or you but I do care when it has a negative affect on the children and they are now refusing to have access with him because of the tension on pick up. I'm sick of him choosing when he will or wont talk to me in front of the children.. wont even have eye contact with me when you (OW) are in the car with him! When I have something important to relay to you(exh) I deserve a little respect and expect you to listen and respond accordingly and not grunt or treat me like shit in front of the children... IT AFFECTS THEM!!!! The person who needs to get over himself is him... grow up and accept the blame for the part you (exh) play in this... stop passing the buck! I have worked long and hard to get the children back to feeling stable and secure for him to let it go tits up every so often. I have worked hard to keep access going on a regular basis and try to encourage when they dont want to go.... You (OW) refuse to meet up with me to make your own judgements (you don't know how difficult that was for me to ask you to do that!.. but you obviously believe everything he says and don't want to have any sort of relationship with me either!)

I have not once caused you (OW) any trouble... I have risen above the sh't, moved on, accept you as part of my dc's lives... but do not want you as part of my life, to see your face or make a friend of you... but with more time that may come.

My ex on occasions (mostly when he is away working) has text me saying he regrets leaving, he wishes things were different, I look gorgeous etc etc..... and yes, I have replied in the past when I sometimes felt I wanted...not necessarily him, but 'a family life' again for the sake of my children. I have said we can talk but thought I would never trust him again... on not getting the response he expected, he starts the crap up again because he can't have his own way with me, I have forwarded them to you (OW) to show that he is being an arse to both of us!

Because he is so sly though he has managed to convince you that it is all me texting him and that he only replies to keep me sweet so I wont stop him seeing the children (something I have never and would never do!).

You have the cheek to give me a mouthful and tell me to 'move on' etc when I ask you to relay a message to him regarding the dc's that he refuses to acknowledge via me!

If he is being genuine with you in that he feels the need to send me flirty messages to keep me 'sweet'... how childish is this?.. do you think this is acceptable behaviour and why do you allow him to do this also?

If he is not being genuine with you and texting me again behind your back... I think you need to reassess your relationship and stop giving me a hard time! Give him the shit! Just because he is showing you the texts he has received from me does not mean he is being truthful with you... he is quite capable of deleting ones he sends... like all those between the two of you for most of my married life!!!!!!!!!!!

One of us is being taken for a complete ride here.. or maybe both!

If you know first hand that the ex wife if a bitch or whatever, thats fine... but don't judge us if you only have this information via your partner......it's NOT always the truth and ends up causing everyone unneccessary hurt!

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prettyfly1 · 29/03/2009 16:26

Is your xps partner a mnetter.

I understand your frustration and totally take your point - men can be utter gits but we stepmums take a huge amount of flak so maybe this isnt the place for it. I used to be a lone parent and the lone parent thread here is brilliant if you are feeling a bit frustrated to blow off some steam and get some great advice on maybe how to deal with it going forward. It doesnt sound like you have done owt wrong so I do hope the situation improves, but if you are trying to get a message to her here, it really isnt the place for it.

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talie101 · 29/03/2009 16:33

No, I don't think she is a mnetter... just wanted stepmums to think before slagging exwives off cos we aren't all as bad as some of you are lead to believe.

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twinsetandpearls · 29/03/2009 16:34

I am a lovely ex wife.

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Surfermum · 29/03/2009 16:45

I try not to judge anyone. I think the majority, if not all of the stepmums I know on here all have first hand experience of the x's behaviour.

I get where you are coming from though - like you say not all first wives/partners are bitches and likewise not all "OWs" are sluts or scheming cows who have issues with their partner's children or ex-wifes, and not all OWs were instrumental in the break-up of relationships. Some of us are just lovely, genuine people who just want everyone to get on and the children to have a great time when they come to stay.

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prettyfly1 · 29/03/2009 17:02

Here, here surfer - it is so difficult tho op - like you say, who knows what he has fed her about you. Sounds like you had a lucky escape really.

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mrsjammi · 29/03/2009 21:22

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Haribosmummy · 31/03/2009 20:28

I don't get the point of the rant either.

Are you assuming that second wives don't have the wherewithall to make up thier own minds about the ex wife????

I have 10 years experience of my DH's ex.

I really don't need his advice on her state of mind to make up my own mind.

Maybe you would like to pop over to the 'Fab and Glam' threads to point out that all second wives aren't scum of the earth either.

Thanks anyway.

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Katelyn · 01/04/2009 14:23

I'm Second wife and on the flip side of the coin, me and the XW tried to be almost 'friends' for the sake of the child.

On this occasion, my DH was right about all of it - she was completely nuts. Many years down the line she still has a problem with me collecting her daughter WITH my husband and OUR CHILDREN in OUR CAR.

So, whilst I agree, not ALL are nutters who need to move on, these so called nutters do exist - I have first hand experience.

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Haribosmummy · 01/04/2009 18:39

'Mine' will still cross the road so as not to be confronted with the fact that DH and I have a gorgeous DS.

She would prefer her kids were left out rather than be part of a great extended family (which, by the way, the kids LOVE)

They split up in 1998.

Nutters do exist.

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mrsjammi · 02/04/2009 09:05

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ItsMargotBeauregarde · 02/04/2009 09:09

I'm sorry I didn't read your entire post, but fear not, when people come on here bitching and trashing their husband's first wife, I do tend to think she sounds a right beotch that she didn't disappear under the parapet for your convenience.

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ItsMargotBeauregarde · 02/04/2009 09:14

ps, I'm a lone parent and I do think that a lot of fathers, whether they find somebody new or not view a breakup primarily in the way it affects them.

As unsettled and emotional as I was, I knew I could survive any amount of abuse if I believed the children would be ok in the end. My x's focus was all how hard done by he was. I don't know if you ever make somebody see things clearly if that's the cloth they're cut from.

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mrsjammi · 02/04/2009 09:21

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ItsMargotBeauregarde · 02/04/2009 13:38

Jammi, I didn't mean all second wives. I meant, 2nd wives who constantly and publicly demonise the first wife.

Massive difference there!

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Haribosmummy · 02/04/2009 21:18

Hahaha!! What a joke!! Expecting the ex to disappear under the parapet!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about laughing out loud!!

Would that be why my DH spends a couple of hours EACH WEEK trying to contact his kids??????????? Even though, when the kids are with us, he makes sure they are constantly contactable and know they are free to call their mum at any point (even though, if she's found anything better to do, she won't bother answering their calls - but god forbid she hasn't... then they are expected to call her.)

I would never publicly 'demonise' my DH's Ex. I don't need to. she manages that all on her own!

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Surfermum · 03/04/2009 09:20

I don't think you can generalise at all, and say those who bitch are the ones with the issue, "lots" of men do xyz. Each set of dynamics is different, everyone's issues are different, every relationship, it's history and it's break-up are different. I think all we can do is talk about our own experience and how it's making us feel, rather than project what is going on for us onto other peoples' situations. They may be similarities, but no two situations are going to be the same.

ItsMargot - Do you feel the same way about ex wives who come on here and bitch and moan about their childrens' Dads. The way lots of derogatory terms and a hell of a lot of swearing is used about them? Do you think "what a bitch" then?

Perhaps when stepmums moan it's for very good and valid reasons. Just like the ex wives have good and valid reasons to do so. There's no difference. It's not always the man who is at fault (as in my dh's case) and the one behaving badly. But if I were to "trash" her on here, I am the one who is a bitch. I don't get it.

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Haribosmummy · 03/04/2009 10:19

surfermum - A very eloquent post!

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Surfermum · 03/04/2009 10:27

Thank you .

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PinkMeringues · 03/04/2009 10:34

There's always two sides to a story - one boyfriend had an ExW and she (according to him) was the devil, awful, vicious etc etc. I believed every word, he was a poor hard-done to hardworking husband to her and she was a spendthift and a lazy work-shirker etc.

Having dumped him a year on for his general oddness I saw that he probably wound her up and manipulated her into a tizzy, because he enjoyed playing mind and control games. Plus I found out that he had actively encouraged her to give up work and decorate the house nicely (he wanted a 50's husband/wife arrangement).

Like I say - always two sides even though yes probably more blame on one side than the other but nobody will be totally blameless.

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PinkMeringues · 03/04/2009 10:35

In short, not all ex-w are as awful as painted out to be by their ex-h, I have learned

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FioFio · 03/04/2009 10:36

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Surfermum · 03/04/2009 10:56

Yes, I agree there is always two sides to the story, whether that's what is said about ex-wives and equally what is said about ex-husbands. Dh was never the man that his x was describing in court reports or, no doubt, to her friends.

What I have always admired about dh was that while he talked about his x and how she behaved, he was never nasty about her. I was at the time we were going through the courts because I saw how crucified dh was and how much he was hurting and aching to see his darling little girl. And it was hard to sit back and watch someone you love being hurt like that and having a pack of lies told about them.

But the more I knew about her (from dh and other people), the more I understood their relationship, the more I knew dh, the less I judged her.

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RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 03/04/2009 11:04

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orangehead · 03/04/2009 11:37

When my ex left me, he told everyone all his family and the ow that I was a pyscho, the devil, that I had had an affair and he did'nt think ds2 was his. It was horrible to think people were believing that of me, but at the end of the day the people who mattered to me knew I was not capable of doing those things and realised he was just making up excuses as he couldnt really say 'I felt my wife with a 3 week old baby and a 16 month old with no money and I have emptied the savings account because I am a wanker and I want to set up home with the woman I have been having an affair with'. He had to have a reason.
The funny thing is two years later, him and the ow spilt up not long after they had a daughter together and the exact same story came out. I dont think his family and friends brought it the second time round so ended up coming to me for sympathy, I had to stop myself from laughing and I managed to say to him with a straight face that thats the same story he told everyone about me, there seems to be a pattern developing.
He now has a new patner and she seems nice enough, the kids like her. But I do wonder, does she not thinks its strange that he has two 'pyscho' ex wifes who both apparently cheated on him. And the time he chose to leave was when they both had babies.
But the ex husband is not always like this. A friend of mine has a pyscho of an ex wife. We just need open minds and not judge people just because they are the ex

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orangehead · 03/04/2009 11:38

That should of been 'left' not 'felt'

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