Very Difficult..Please don't flame me :( Also v v long..So get a coffee :)

[StercusAccidit]

Need advice please.
Some background to begin with.

I have a DS aged 11 who has gone to his nans every weekend and every holiday since he was a year old, unless he wanted to stay at home. I am happy with these arrangements, he always has been, and i have to admit i feel spoilt PIL's have been there for my DS and me where his dad has not.
Now i have a new baby DS2 with my DP.
He has 2 DC's, a boy and a girl, aged 7 and 6. I absolutely adore them tbh, they are very hard work (IMO due to their upbringing..long story) They live with his sister who has taken over the 'mum' role.
Since i gave birth to DS2 (he is nearly 10 weeks old) we have had the kids every weekend..bar the first weekend after he was born, on a friday..i use the term WE very lightly..in fact, it is me that takes on responsibility for them, feeding, trips out and about ect. I find it very hard. He doesn't really do anything with them if he isn't at work on a weekend, if he is, obv i have sole responsibility for them.
This is where i start to sound mean. I would never let on, but i have started (since having more contact) to dislike DSD
It doesn't help that i feel as if i've been forced into having them every weekend..DSS is ok, he has his moments..but DSD is an awful child at times.
My DS1 was poorly this weekend, i didn't want to send him to his nans, he had the day off school too..but SIL had a moody when i said i couldn't have the DSC's as their mum had let them down, she was supposed to have them, for mothers day, but she is a selfish cow who sees them as and when it is convinient to her. (She left three kids with their respective fathers to pursue a relationship with a man who didn't want to look after other people's kids, and now has another three with him)

Anyway, guilt ridden, i said i would have them, also DP had said "We'll have them then" angrily after finding out his ex had let them down. I didn't mind at all, but it was awkward explaining to DS's nan that although he was poorly, would she have him, as i need his room for DSC's to stay in.
Anyway.
On the trip back (i had to collect them friday as DP was working) DSD announced she 'liked coming to my house even though its messy' FFS no more messy than SIL's and i do have a baby to take care of meaning i'm lucky to get anything done
Well i responded by saying maybe she would like to help me tidy up (nicely, not angry or frosty you know, she's only a kid, i thought) And i know as she grows up in a home with older kids and adults she is going to sound adult in her ways sometimes.

DP was working saturday so i took the kids to the park, and shopping. I can't put my finger on a particular instance, but DSD had a bit of an attitude on all day, stropping when i asked her to carry a bag, ect, and tried to steal sweets from tesco's..i was a bit frazzled, so went to my sisters. She was an angel and she also has kids DSC's age so it was nice for them to play and chat.
Basically out all day, yes, i did naff all in the house.
So we get home and feeding baby, DSD says 'I'm soooo hungry i feel like i am going to die'
I replied as soon as i had fed DS i would do some tea, this was at 3pm, they had eaten at my sisters at 2.
4pm ish i asked them what they wanted and started cooking, DP was due back at 7 so thought i would do him something later.
The kids ate their dinner and DSD wandered in and out while i was doing pizza for me and DP (classy ) "Ooo i like pizza" She said, five minutes after i had bleedin asked them if they wanted pizza for tea So, i popped one in the oven for them to share as well. Popping into the living room to check on DS2, DSD sitting on sofa, DSS watching a film, DSS walked across the room with DS2 and plopped him onto DSD's lap, saying, you passed him to me, i don't want to hold him. Neither do i she said..and raised her elbow so DS went between her and the back of the sofa.
well overprotective mum i am not but i did say not to pick DS up again and went back into the kitchen, for like, 2 minutes. DS was on the floor on his mat.
Then i hear a strangled screaming sound (you know, when they have REALLY got hurt) and come in to see whats going on. DS is bright red, with a lump like an egg on the side of his head. "I stepped over him and accidentally kicked him" she said, but the look on her face said 'i booted him, what you going to do about it?' Well no proof so i said, please be a little more careful, walk round him not over him.

I asked the kids to get into their pj's ready, DSD says, i can't wear mine, i poo'd in them.
Arrrghhhhhhhh.
Ok, she's six. Not a problem, so i whack them in the washer grumbling to myself about telling me sooner blah blah.
DP walks in, we sit down for tea, the kids pick all the bits off the top of their pizza and leave the rest. "Waste of money" is all DP has to say, aimed at me, of course. Well he wasn't there dealing with the puppy eyes and 'ooo i love pizza can i have some' was he?
The kids have a shower. DSD leaves the room looking like a bombs hit it.. remember the messy house comment.. towel on the floor, shampoo bottle on the floor with a great big puddle of shampoo next to it, i ask DSS to get his pj's on and get ignored. DP asks where DSD's are in a way which makes it sound as if i have left her out or something I tell him they are in the wash. "Couldn't have done them earlier then, no?" what a tosser!

Grrr.
Xbox goes on, i sit down to feed DS.
9 30 ish stuff is washed and dried, i give DSD her pj's.
Towels all over floor. Go into kitchen to wash up from tea, DP asks why the kids aren't in bed (yes he turned away from the xbox for THAT long!!!) "Because they didnt want to listen to me when i asked them, and DSS won't look for his pj bottoms." i replied. Then i asked him to find DSS's pj bottoms off the pile of ironing. He huffed and puffed like it was a great effort or something, so i said, don't bother, i'll do it.
So DP turns off his xbox in a huff and says "just because i don't jump when you ask me to for fucks sake"
DP sends kids to bed, they ask me if they can watch a dvd, i say no because its too late, cue dirty looks off them both and i distinctly hear DSD say as they go up the stairs.. "she's nasty"

Then they watched one anyway.

DP sits on the sofa while i pick up towels and clothes and i give him an evil look for not helping which prompts him to ask, "Why are you pissed off. Is it because MY kids left towels on the floor?"

He always does that when he gets defensive. They're HIS kids till they need feeding or caring for, when it comes to discipline ect they are HIS. If he assumes i am being horrible or unfair in some way to them, they're HIS. If i 'interfere' with their upbringing, they're HIS.

I told him no, i was pissed off because he doesn't help out and was stuck to his xbox as usual.
Then he went off in a huff to bed.
I stayed up ironing until 2 in the morning

Anyway..sunday morning. I get up with DS, i didn't expect a lie in with a baby lol
Kids breakfast done, I waited for DP to get up, in the nd the kids went and woke him around ten after i had said not to. Tch. Still, they did me a favour really, had mothers day card and a lovely present, then a cuppa i nearly passed out through disbelief lololol
Dinnertime and i just knocked up bacon sarnies cos really i couldn't be arsed..Dp helped me to do this bless him and we chatted and i was, honestly, having a lovely morning. DP and DSD cleaned the car while i was in the garden, and DSS was on the Wii. Came in from the garden to find DSD in the living room poking DS in the face.
By now i was TRULY pissed and not willing to put up with this any more and trying to respond nicely.
So i told her to get her hands off him and leave him alone unless i or DP is in the room. I was stern but i didn't shout.

Then we went out to visit DP's mum, ex MIL, and sister to give them mothers' day presents.

All i heard all day was 'ex ex ex' i was sick of her fucking name. I copped the flak when DP was angry about her not having the kids, him stomping round the house in a mood and shouting at me..then i had a re run on sunday.

When DS was 5 weeks old DSD had to go to hospital because she had some viral infection that brought her legs up in big bruise type spots.
DP asked me if i wanted to go, i couldn't because of the baby. When discussing it with ex MIL he made out that i had said i just didn't want to go, and that i had 'chucked the phone at him in a mood'
Correction: He had left phone downstairs where he couldn't hear it, and i had taken it up to him with a curt 'your phone is ringing' when i had come in from my sisters after 3 days with no sleep because of the baby crying and him being a bastard and arguing with me/criticising me at every given opportunity.

Well, for a quiet life, i didn't say anything, so ex MIL and her partner both looked at me like a bag of crap.

Absolutely fuming, i waited until the kids were home and me and DP were on the way back before i raised it. He accepted that that must have been the way it seemed.
As we approached home the conversation turned to the kids being poorly and him having PR, he said he has it as the SS sorted it all out at the time the kids were left with him.
I said, .. "Well its a good job you have because, touch wood, if the kids were ill, if you didn't have PR you might not be able to give permission for so and so"
He replied "You said that wrong, you should have said 'God forbid one of the kids were ill'...."
FFS!!
He knew what i meant, and this is what i said to him.
So he gets out of the car at home calling me a 'fucking moron' obv i am not impressed with this and tell him he shouldn't be calling me names and slamming car doors in front of DS2. He ignores me and goes on his xbox until late when i'm in bed. So poof went the idea that i would actually, for the first time in 8 years, have a nice mothers day without argument or incident.

I know its not the kids fault, and i probably sound whiny and unreasonable. I know DP is an arsehole.

Is it always this hard? Will i always be treated like shit and be unappreciated
Just feeling atm like its just not worth the hassle and would be better off as a single parent and away from all that shit.


Thanks for listening anyway ...

[StealthPolarBear]

You don't come across as having a go at the kids, your frustration is normal, and your DSD is 6. This is all about your DP's attitude, the fact he does nothing to help and nothing to back you up. Only you really know what you want to do / can do about it.
What did he say when he saw his baby's injuries?!

[hullygully]

You are INSANE. Tell them all to fuck off and have a lovely peaceful life with two kids.

[StealthPolarBear]

I have to say my first reaction was the same as hully (as to your DP) but I was more polite!

[TotalChaos]

partner sounds like an unpleasant lazy verbally abusive arsehole. DSD sounds troubled - possibly insecure as to her place after arrival of DS2. I don't think this is really a stepkid problem but a partner problem.

[LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits]

Your DP has to start acting like your partner and their father. You're right it's not the kids fault but they have to learn boundaries about their behaviour and they will only respect you if they see their father treating you with respect and backing you up.

any chance of couples counselling?

[StercusAccidit]

LOL
We are on a trial sep atm so i guess its another nail in the coffin.

I can understand he feels defensive of the kids because last partner he had wasn't very nice to them and constantly stirred and told him 'they have done this, and this, and that'

Well i had a SM like that when i was little and she made things up as well as telling the truth, to get us into trouble and stop our dad having us. I am frightened of seeming like this, i am definately not.
But he undermines what i do sometimes, and i can't help but want to slap (and i don't hit kids so this is theoretical) DSD because her attitude stinks.

Because of the way i feel i didn't tell him about the baby, i felt i had sorted it and she really didn't need him ranting as well.

I just feel stressed, and before i start on the 'poor me's' i also realise i have been spoilt up till now what with ex PIL's having my DS for the weekend, so maybe i am grieving the loss of that freedom a bit. I knew what i signed up for with DP, i knew he had kids.

Its very tiring. I suppose i really should put my foot down now if we are to stand any chance at all, i have tried rather feebly to do it but now am feeling a bit braver. Time i learned how to say no.

Am also pissed that i make so much effort and it goes un noticed but its soon picked up if i do something wrong. Just seems like all problems, and i'm wondering if its even worth the hassle now.

Doesn't help that i feel almost obligated to have them and it gets frowned upon if i say no, even though it seems i put DSC's before my own ill DS which put me on a guilt trip AND the fact their mother comes and goes out of their lives, winding DP up in the process, i cop the flak, AND still pick up the pieces as well. She pisses me off more than anything. She doesn't deserve to be a mother IMO

I just suppose i am being selfish for being a tad put out that the week i gave birth i would suddenly have three kids every weekend
Its kind of like a shock to the system but doesn't seem to be getting any better. Or easier.
Who said parenthood was rewarding lol.

[hullygully]

It's NOT the kids. It's the shitbag x-boxer.

[ahundredtimes]

He's lazy isn't he? It sounds like nobody knows where one person's responsibilities start and another stops - and he's being lazy about it. Am sure you are a good stepmother to them, but they need their Dad too don't they? Why do they live with his sister, and not with you / their dad?

TBH dsd towards your ds sounds like normal run of the mill jealousy - quite normal and quite understandable, try not to judge her too harshly for it. I wouldn't leave him in a room with them for a bit, until it's died down. when you're cooking, keep him in the kitchen with you. Six is still really young remember, you think it's not when you have a baby, but it is, honest.

[StealthPolarBear]

Sorry, who do the step children live with if their mum is in and out of their lives?

[ahundredtimes]

Her dp's sister

[StealthPolarBear]

ah, his sister, sorry.

[StercusAccidit]

Hi TC.....i thought that but did go out of my way to involve the kids during the PG, which is more than their mum did just suddenly turning up one day with a toddler, a baby and another on the way.
I do feel so so sorry for them but i feel like my world has caved in (me me me )
Maybe if i grew some balls and said no to having them every weekend .. but they need to see their dad too.. so thats not an option, i agree he needs to help more, i have asked about this before and got a lot of support which led to me calling time on the situation, am trying to work it out but it seems things haven't changed.

I can't relax while they are here and sadly..i feel protective when they are mauling DS which doesn't help. And i mean mauling, not just touching or wanting to hold, or chatting to.

They know i think the world of them but atm am finding it hard, with the baby, to give them the attention they deserve, which is where he should come in.

Oh well am going to have to bite the bullet because he obv thinks my silence on the matter means everything is ok. So it is partly my fault for not opening my gob.
If i'm going to do it the time is now while he is receptive to what i have to say.

Wish me luck lol

[StealthPolarBear]

poor kids but this isn't about you and them, it's about your DP's attitude to them, and to you!

[StealthPolarBear]

if you are separated, does he come back to you for the weekend with his kids?

[charitygirl]

It's NOT the kids, though God knows they are having a rough time of it (NOT your fault).

Your DP is a fuckwit of the first order who palms responsibility for his kids on to anyone else - you, his sister, his mum.

Get rid.

And, without wishing to seem confrontational, you seem to enjoy making excuses for his behaviour - almost as if you want to be the most ridiculously reasonable, self-effacing person in the world. While everyone around you acts like a cunt. What are you getting out of this?

Don't mean to sound harsh..I know it probably does.

[StercusAccidit]

Ahundredtimes thanks..
I understand the jealousy thing..i did remember being a little the same when SM had my 'new little brother'

Have tried to be understanding.

Feel evil because i am practically saying 'I like these kids but they have landed on me, i feel obligated to have them, and they are ruining my weekends and affecting my life with my new baby'

Guilt is a LOVELY part of being a wicked SM isn't it
I know i have to deal with these feelings, not ignore them, or they will turn into something else, but god help me if she snipes at me one more time or says i have a messy house...she's going in the dogs kennel! LOL
She just acts so...adult...

[StercusAccidit]

I know he palms them off
I don't make excuses for him any more, he is a twat and he knows it, why take it out on me for their mum being a selfish cow?
It winds me up.

He had them here SPB because their mum didn't want them and let them down at the last minute...i don't want them to lose contact with DS2..when DP went off to see OW when i was 6 months PG the kids saw me at SIL's and announced quite happily that my DS was 'going to have 2 christmas's...one with them, and one with me.

I suppose i haven't really got over that shitty feeling.. i guess i should have posted in relationships where i normally tell everyone what shit he's pulled this week lol

[ElenorRigby]

Hullo Stercus, fwiw I'm a "step-mum" for want of another description and have a 6yo DSD.

Your post has made me very angry, THERE IS NO WAY AT ANY TIME YOU SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE THIS!!!!!! Much less should you be treated like this when you have a 10 week old baby FFS!!!

Its seems like a few people are treating you really badly, the worst offender being your partner.
My DP does most of the care for DSD. DSD adores her sister our 19month old DD and has never EVER tried to hurt her. I have a great relationship with DSD. She is very loving, respectful and well behaved.

I am not going to tell your partner is a bastard but I will say he needs to his fucking house in order and take responsibility for his older children. He needs to be a loving partner to you and he needs to support you with your little one.

I feel so angry about how poorly you have been treated but you too need to accept your responsibility for allowing yourself to be treated this way.

I'll show my DP this thread later he will probably be as as me.

Take care of yourself and keep strong. Remember you deserve to be treated with care and respect x

[TotalChaos]

DSD (and DSS) have been through shitloads by the sound of it - dumped by their mother, and displaced in their mother's affections by younger kids - then mistreated by your Partner's ex - so it really isn't surprising that DSD is not reacting well to another baby potentially displacing her. I wouldn't expect 6 and 7 year olds to have a great deal of empathy in terms of realising how hard it is with a 10 week old baby - however your partner as the SUPPOSED adult..... words fail me.

[compo]

I find it hard to get past the first bit to be honest
you have sent your 11 year old away every weekend since he was 1?

[DSM]

Your DP is in the wrong, he is being a wanker. They are his kids and he should be looking after them, with your help.

It is not the kids fault, the poor wee girl probably has all sorts of issues. I wouldn't leave the new baby alone in the room with them TBH, if she has hurt him a few times already.

Compo - I don't think there is anything wrong with that?

[Lulumama]

why are you still with your DP?

get away from him and the rest will follow

he has used and abused you for god knows how long

the children take their lead from their father in how they treat you

cut him out of your life

[Lulumama]

sorry, just seen you are on a trial seperation!!

and he is still treating you in this abusive manner and you are still looking after his children>

why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this?

[StercusAccidit]

Compo..sorry
He likes to go, he is their only GC and utterly spoilt by them but very well brought up and is an angel as far as 11 yo's go thank god.

I know i was aware of the potential for jealousy, the first few weeks were ok, now the novely has worn off i guess..but i thought that as long as we had them every weekend so they wouldn't feel left out might have helped.
I think i need to say no to the weekends where we only have them saturday night till sunday, as i am the one who always has to drive over to pick them up.
I was a bit nose-out-of-joint because i was imagining a nice weekend with me, DP..who is trying very hard and responding well to everything i point out, tbh, he is a bit crap but then no one has ever pointed out the error of his ways, ...and DS, but then that crappy cow (doesn't deserve the mother title) said she couldn't have them as she was 'stressed' then posted on FB (DP has her on his, i don't) that she was having a 'party' and who was coming... this sent DP into a flippin mood which i was the closest to view the exploding volcano spectacle which followed...

Re the rest, obv i will have to make sure they aren't left in a room alone together which is a shame, but i don't know about raising the issue with DP without looking or sounding like i am having a go about 'his' DD.
Bubble well and truly popped here

[StealthPolarBear]

You;re right that you can't mention it to DP without sounding like you are criticising (his DD hurting the baby I mean).
Personally I think you need to show him the OP and ask him to sort himself out or leave. Easier said than done, I know...