If I'd have known it would be like this I'm not sure I would have got this involved

[mummynumber2]

That's what I told DP this morning.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutly adore my DSCs. Maybe the problem is I love them too much (is a SM even allowed to love her DSCs?).

I just feel guilty all the time and I'm not even sure why. DP had been separated from his ex for several years before I met him so everyone knows I had nothing to do with that. But every so often a comment is made which makes me think that my DScs believe that the only thing keeping their mum and dad from getting back together is me. They talk of how wonderful it was when their parents were together, which DSS won't remember and DSD2 probably would remember very little of.

I feel guilty that my happiness, my family (again if I'm allowed to call them that) has come out of their unhappiness.

Last night DSD2 (10), usually such a happy, light hearted girl explained to DP why shs's been so unhappy recently. The reason of course is that she finds it really difficult that her family is 'broken-up'. She said that she had a dream a while ago that DP and his ex were still together and it was just them along with DSS and DSD1. And when she woke up she couldn't stop crying because she realised that it would never be like that again - heartbreaking.

Does/ has anyone else felt like this. Do you ever get over it?

Also, DP and I have always made quite a big deal out of the fact that we are a family and they have another family with their mother. We did this to try to make them feel at home and welcome here (we've been having fairly inconsistent contact, down to their mother). Do you think this would upset and confuse them more? Obviously to them family is their mum and dad but they just happen to be living apart.

[izzymom]

Hi Mummynumber2 - so sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment. I can definitely say I've felt like this to at times, seems like you cant win either way (have been with DH nearly 6 yrs, DSS's are 7 & 8).
Of course you cant love your DSCs too much, far better that this was the case than you couldnt stand the sight of them.

My eldest DSS has had times of saying he would love his Mum and Dad to be together. and wishes I had never met his Dad (Mum was already living with, and pregnant by, someone else when I met DH, although this was only 6 mnths after the split).TBH though, when he's been calm and happy to talk, he has also told us that his mum says these things to him, and he doesnt really remember living with both his parents.Not sure if this could be the case with your DSD2?

I firmly believe that you have to establish two families, there are inevitably different rules/parenting styles, and if children are clear about what applies where I think they are better able to cope with it. My DSS's are treated by as grandsons/nephews by my family, this has been even more important since the arrival of my own DC's.

Just keep doing what you're doing, love them as much as you can, and give them space with your DP on their own if that's what they want. You clearly care for them a great deal, or you wouldnt worry about it all so much. Hang in there, they will appreciate it one day x

[izzymom]

Or, if they're like all other children, they wont appreciate it at all, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you did the best you could!

[mummynumber2]

Thanks izzymom.

I think there is an element of DSCs mum planting ideas into their heads about how great life was when they were together and she's definatly told them a lot about the circumstances of their break up (from her perspective obviously), which does upset them a lot. But also I am aware of the fact that it is perfectly normal for any child to want their parents to stay/ be together regardless of the practaclalities of this.

I hope I will have the satisfaction of knowing I did the best I could. I sometimes think it would be better all round if I wasn't involved at all!

I'm actually feeling quite down about this situation (as well as various other things) at the moment.

I'm just not sure I've got any of this right or if there is a way of making this situation right.

[izzymom]

I feel like this from time to time too, but then I dont like to think about how different my life would be without my DP and DSS's. I honestly get the impression from your posts that your DSC's are better off for their relatioship with you...in the end children benefit from people loving and caring about them, no matter how those people come into their lives.

You know (as do your DSC's deep down) that even if you werent with your DP, that would not change things between him and his ex.
I dont know all your circs,but it's not up to you to make everything right, just to support your DP in his rel.with his DCs, which you seem to do. Give yourself credit for what you are doing, nobodys perfect.

Hope things start to look up for you soon