Any advice for explainig new baby to young DSC's?

[ameNbump]

Hi,

I've never posted on the step-parenting thread before, so I hope I'm not intruding. I'd really value some advice from some seasoned Mum+Step-Mums...

Basically, I have acquired two young SDC's (2+3) and have recently found out I'm expecting my first baby (due end of August.)

I have met DP's children, and we have a great time, although I haven't seen them for quite some time now,as I work away and DP's ex has decided that she doesnt want me to see them(Am hoping she'll come round soon!) DP will be moving in with me this month. We will quite far away from his children, and so he will only have weekend access (right now he sees them as and when-they have no set pattern). I do feel guilty about this, but at the same time, I need some support from him too -I hope that doesn't make me sound selfish.

I'm just concerned about his kids, and how this is all going to affect them...not just the new Daddy routine, but also the fact they are having a new half brother or sister. Especially as they have not been allowed to get to know me

Are there any childrens books, or do any of you have any advice/ ideas on how DP can go about making these changes as easy as possible for his little ones? I would really value some tips and advice.

Also, if anyone has any advice RE: the ex that would be great too. Her not letting me see them means that DP and I are forced to apend our weekends apart (him travelling 200miles to see them & having them at his Mum's, while I'm here). I would love to go up with him sometimes, or even bring them to us every now and again. I work with children, so it's not as though I'm going to be terrible. It would just be nice if I was allowed to get to know them, and them me before there is a new baby...It also worries me that this will affect their relationship with their new sibling.

Sorry this is a bit lengthy, and thanks for reading!

[mummygirl]

hello,
i have been i a very similar position to yours, and eventually it drove DH away from ss, to the point that we now live in another country, since there was no reasonable contact arrangements.

I'll write more soon, I gotta go now, but the gist is that you're a family now and the ex is gonna have to accept that families spend their weekends together. YOU ARE the stepmum and WILL mother his children during their contact, end of.

I know this sounds harsh, I don't mean like this, I promise to be back in the morning to explain myself better.

Enjoy your pregnancy, and try not to stress too much about it.

xxx

[ameNbump]

Hi MUMMYGIRL,

thank you so much for replying...I was beginning to think there was no one else out there!

I look forward to hearing more from you soon. Thanks again for taking the time to offer some advice.

xx

[ElenorRigby]

As the DSD's are so young you will have plenty of time to introduce the new baby.
I bought a couple of books for DSD to gently give her the idea she was going to have a sister. DSD was older at 4 and so had a better understanding.

However firstly I think the problem of DsC's mother not allowing contact between them and you. As mrsjammi said in her excellent post she has no right to dictate who DSC's see when they are with dad as long as there are no safety issues. She also has no right to deny them a relationship with their sibling.
In reality though "there be dragons" and your DP needs to tackle this but do it gently, maybe giving the ex time to come round. So start off maybe with offers of mediation. Always try to talk first but be mindful this might well turn messy and end up going through the courts.
At the moment though you need to concentrate on you and your pregnancy. When the baby comes you will have little time or energy for little but the baby.
Leave the negotiations to your DP for now and concentrate on looking after yourself.

Id also echo mrsjammis advice about not getting sucked in arguments between you and your DP's ex. My advice is keep out of sight and hearing of the ex as much as possible. It's really your DP's role to deal with her not yours.

I will try to fish out the two books I bought for DSD.

On the plus side DSD and DD (who are front of me rolling around on the floor together) get on great, when they are not fighting
Seriously though they have a great relationship. I hope your DC and DSC's have that opportunity too.

btw how long have you been with your DP and was your DP separated from the ex when you met?

[ameNbump]

Gosh Thank you so much. It's so easy to get sucked in, isn't it... but i am definately going to try and take that advice on board. It really is a relief to hear other people's experiences. It's so tough, because at the moment DP does exactly as the ex wants, as he's just so frightned she'll stop him from seeing them!

He ws seperated from her when we met, but only just, i have to admit. I kept him a arm's length for a while, but eventually it became a relationship. I don't know, but I get the impression that maybe she was hoping to give it another go, but in his mind there was no going back.
I do understand why this may cause her animosity towards me. I also think she found it difficult when the kids came home after having had a lovely time wih DP and I.

We have only been together for a year. This baby was a total shock, as I had been back and forth to hospital for over a year with "lady probelms" and after a laproscopy was told my chances of ever concieving naturally were very low. I was also due to have an ovary removed this month!...So a total shock, but a lovely one nonetheless!

Anyway, enough about me. Thank you again to all of you. I really value the advice.

ElenorRigby it would be grat if you are able to let me know the book titles...might help!

[BeautyandtheBreast]

I've been in a pretty similar position to you, the sdc's were both a couple of years older though - we just made sure we seemed really happy and positive about it when we told them and asked them to suggest names and teased them about having to change nappies and stuff and encouraged them to pat the bump.

But we were also careful not to talk about the "new baby" too much, really not mention it until they did and then engage them about it.

and they love their new sibling! It has really brought us all closer together. ( and we have a difficult ex in the picture to, but this does get better with time honestly) - so it can work out but you and your partner need to be a strong team.

[mummygirl]

hi again,
sorry, when I said "tomorrow morning" I hadn't realised it was friday (rarely ever here on weekends).
I think the other ladies have more or less covered what I wanted to say, I just tend to be a bit more harsh as I'm still very angry with the ex for what she's done to dh and ss (not saying that the ex in your situation is like this).

It is difficult for her to accept that there is now another woman in her children's life and that her children might like her and even love her. I believe that if I was in her shoes I'd feel quite apprehensive to say the least. However, as she doesn't ask for your dp's permission to introduce the children to her friends /boyfriend/ collegues or whoever she finds fit, similarly your dp has the right to spend the time with his children in any way a loving dad finds appropriate -and that usually means with his partner and new baby.

And if your partner works full-time, when are you and your baby going to see him if he's gone all weekend? When will you bond as a family? You're gonna need a lot of support as a first-time mum and you have every right to "demand" this from dp.

Words can't describe how I feel for my poor ss (who by the way I have never met) who, not only lost an fantastic dad, but he'll never meet his siblings (or at least not until he's old enough to decide for himself).
Your dp has to learn to stand his ground or the saga will never end.

And remember: you're only responsible to give your baby a calm and happy environment. There's only so much you can do for scs. Most things will be out of your hands, but giving your baby the family he/she needs IS in your hands and should be your priority.

Look after yourself xxx

[Haribosmummy]

Hi AmeNbump

I've been a SM for 10 years now - my DSDs are 11 and 14 but they were very young when I met them.

We had similar issues to you (DH's ex didn't want me involved - or at least only wanted me involved at her convinience )
As mummygirl rightly says, your primary concern is to create a happy and stable envionment for your baby. Beyond that, yes, support your DP but let him decide what's right going forward for the other kids.

For us, even though DH's elder kids are only here 50% of the time, they are fully part of our family - they have rooms here, they can come anytime they want without question (they are much older though!)

Sounds like you have the foundations with the kids there already that's a really good thing - I can honestly say that, from the day I met Dh's kids, we have gotten along well (bar the puberty thing, which I didn't handle well with DSD1 )

Just remember that this is a long road... be there for your DP, and remember that in 10 years time, the kids will be old enough to see whats what!

Good luck!!

[ameNbump]

Thank you all so much for this advice. I really have found it so valuable!!

Since I started reading your responses last week, I have been making a real effort not to stress about the situation, and to concentrate on happy mummy = happy baby. I have talked it through with DP, and he knows how I feel , and that I will support him, without getting myself "involved". I just do so hope that the dragon ex sees sense and stops putting her own needs and bitterness before her children's happiness.

Thanks again...I'll let you know of any developments!

A xx

[ElenorRigby]

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner...
These are the books we bought for DSD
My New Baby

I'm a Big Sister

If you look at those links on Amazon other kids books on that theme come up too.
HTH

[ameNbump]

fabulous. Thank you so much!!Have ordered those and one other. DP is going to discuss it properly with ExP this weekend...try & explain that I don't want to be their mum but they have every right to develop a relationship with "bump" ...fingers crossed!

[ameNbump]

Well he's spoken to her & guess what..im going to go up with DP over the april bank hols. I know its just the beginning of a very long journey, but it's a start eh??

xx

[Haribosmummy]

That's great news. I hope it goes really well!!!!

HM x