Why does this bug me so much?

[HallowedVera]

DP's close relative, recently out of hospital; she's on her own so DP volunteers to go and stay with her for a few days while she recovers.

Originally he wanted me, our baby dd and DSD to come too. But relative's house is tiny and we'd be crammed like sardines. Hardly conducive to restful recovery.

Relative said to DP she'd rather baby and I didn't come, which is fair enough. If I was her I'd feel the same.

But DP has still taken DSD with him. And this is what annoys me. Why couldn't he leave her with her mum and just go to relative's on his own? Why is it okay to leave DD with me and not see her for three days but he can't possibly leave DSD? Why can't he read between the lines and understand that convalescing relative actually just wants him there and no kids?

I spoke to DP who is at relative's place now and lo and behold DSD had a screaming tantrum over the iPad tonight. So I bet relative is over the moon at that. But as long as DP gets to bring DSD, never mind what anyone else might need, right?

It's really annoyed me. I'm too scared to put this in AIBU, but: AIBU.

[shey03]

Common sense would say, just go alone, look after relative in quiet peace and harmony. Dp's and commonsense though, really... On the plus side, just enjoy your peace and quiet and don't say 'I told you so!'

[Sassyb0703]

Does Dsd lives with you ? If not, Was this visit to relative over days when your DP would normally spend time with her ?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

To be honest if the dates coincided with contact days then under no circumstances should he had left his daughter with her Mum. I'm of the opinion that when it's contact you have to come up with your own childcare solutions. So to me he had two options, take her or ask you to watch her. Would you have been happy to watch DSD yourself?

Him leaving your child with you is entirely different from him pulling out of contact.

[HallowedVera]

Oh god. Maybe IABU.

DSD is with us most of the time, yes.

Her mum leaves her with us on her contact days all the time - for reasons a lot less important than this.

But DP refuses to ask his ex for help with DSD, he'd prefer me to do it instead. But I think his ex should be the first go-to person when it comes to DSD's care.

I don't know... it's like DP wants to write his ex out of the picture and install me in her role. He makes DSD call me mummy but I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. But I can't articulate why.

[Maroonie]

The way I see it, (which may well be wrong)
He should be able to ask DSDs mum and she is obviously allowed to say no.
I think people get far too caught up in the 'right thing' to do. There's lots of options and as long as nobody feels taken advantage of or 'dumped' then its the right thing.
Also If there was nobody else available to look after DSD, is there anyone else that could help the relative? He has a responsibilty for her, not the relative- so if he can do both that's great, if not then surely he looks after the child?

[Maroonie]

As for why it bugs you so much, could it be that there's underlying issues about what your roles/responsibilities are? And a difference in expectations between you and your DP is causing underlying tensions so when something like this comes up there is far more to it than the situation in front of you.

[Lucked]

I think this isn't so much about stepchildren being treated differently but children of different ages being treated differently. DH often takes older DC with him when he has considered two children/ a baby to be too much.

I also agree he should see her if it is within his power to do so on contact days.

[HallowedVera]

As for why it bugs you so much, could it be that there's underlying issues about what your roles/responsibilities are? And a difference in expectations between you and your DP is causing underlying tensions so when something like this comes up there is far more to it than the situation in front of you

Lol. Yes. Exactly this.

DP wants me to be DSD's 'mum' when she's with us (which is most of the time). I don't want to be her 'mum'. It makes me feel awkward and pressured. She already has a mum who lives five minutes away from us.

Also, DSD's mum asks us to have DSD extra days all the time. At least twice a month. DP loves this because it = more time with DSD. But if I say I can't/don't want to look after DSD then he has a go at me.

It feels like a double standard. I feel like DP engineers situations where DSD's mum gets out of her responsibilities as a parent so they fall to me instead. because it suits him.

[Cabrinha]

He tries to make his daughter, whose mother lives 5 minutes away and is in her life, call you mummy?

Forget the relative visit stuff - this man needs to sort his shit out!!!

That's awful. No wonder he bugs you.