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Step-parenting

Scared BM might turn DSS against me.

12 replies

MulberryWillow · 27/08/2014 10:15

BM is saying that OH has changed in the last few months, never said in her text because of me but when we came home and OH was on his laptop he mentioned BM had written a status which was obviously pointed towards him, I typed in her name on mine (not friends) and saw I've been blocked.

It's obvious she's got a problem with me. I have seen her twice, each time been polite, said hello and helped gather up DSS stuff. I am not always here when OH has DSS, it's important they have time together.

OH and her split when SS was 2, he is now 7. She has gone on to have another child with someone else and split with his in February. When she's single she is ever no nice to OH and then when she's seeing or in a relationship with someone she makes it hard. I work with friends of her, so she would get information about me however they wouldn't know me well enough to know enough. We are very different people. OH has had relationships before but I wonder if this time she realises this is it and that's why she's being difficult.

I'm worried that she will turn DSS against me. I struggle as it is being a 'step-parent' and I don't think I could cope if DSS then turned into hating me. OH knows I'm worried.

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SpecialAgentFreyPie · 27/08/2014 10:23

Others will be along to give you advice, I just wanted to give you a (friendly) warning that BM is considered an offensive acronym on MN.

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EveDallasRetd · 27/08/2014 10:31

Hello love. Please don't take this the wrong way, but on MN it's not a good idea to use BM or Birth Mother. I know you didn't mean anything nasty by it, an that it is widy used outside MN, but on here you will get people using it against you and ignoring the rest of your post. Just stick to Mum or DSS mum in future.

(Getting this in just to help you and hope no one else picks on it, will now read rest of your post)

Hey, well tbh there isn't much you can do at this stage, other than be yourself and not give her a chance to pick you up for anything. Try to detach from her - she isn't important in the scheme of things. Not to you at least. As long as your relationship with DP is sound, and you continue to build on your relationship with DSS, then what DSS Mum does or says about you can be ignored.

I've been in my DSDs life for over 16 years now and in that time I have talked to her mum 3 times. I've never needed any other contact and I don't care what she says about me (and she did say an awful lot in the beginning!)

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balia · 27/08/2014 10:49

Try not to worry too much - my DSS's mum hated the idea of me (only met me fleetingly twice, so doesn't actually know me) and made no secret of it to DSS. He wasn't supposed to have anything to do with me, wasn't allowed to mention my name etc. He once said to me 'my mammy doesn't like you'. It caused him a lot of confusion, but we now have a great relationship.

Just focus on the stuff you can control, like Eve says - recognise when he is pushing/acting out and try to make allowances.

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itsbetterthanabox · 27/08/2014 11:00

In what way is she being difficult? You haven't actually given any examples.

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nomoretether · 27/08/2014 11:27

Just detach. My DSCs mum is relentless in her campaign to turn them against us. The only thing I (and you) can do is just ignore it, gently correct if it gets out of hand (DSCs mum tells DSC to call me and my children names) and concentrate on building a positive relationship.

Children shouldn't have to split themselves but they are good at doing it. DSC are happy and settled here. The youngest has a great relationship with me, the eldest is still adjusting and then when they go back to mum they know to lie and say they've had a rubbish time and hate coming because their mum can't bear to hear that they are happy with us. Dreadfully sad.

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CarolK666 · 27/08/2014 11:27

What does the birth father say about it?

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TheGirlFromIpanema · 27/08/2014 12:38

Has she given you any indication that she will try to turn DSS against you other than blocking you on FB? Confused

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WakeyCakey45 · 27/08/2014 12:56

I'm worried that she will turn DSS against me. I struggle as it is being a 'step-parent' and I don't think I could cope if DSS then turned into hating me. OH knows I'm worried.

Ou course you're worried. You are beginning to care about your DSS as a little person, independent of your DP, and it is worrying to realise that your relationship with this little boy is entirely dependent on the cooperation and maturity of his parents.

So, I suggest you read up about stepparenting and blending Famliies, so you can become confident about how you want to do it, and what you believe is right for you. Then discuss it with your DP and agree together what your role in his DS life is going to be.

And then just do it! You cannot influence nor predict the behaviour of your DPs ex and if you worry endlessly about what she might do, then your relationship with your DP and his DS will suffer.

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fedupbutfine · 27/08/2014 17:13

If it helps, I don't, on principle, have anything at all to do with my ex's new partners (there have been a few now!) because as far as I'm concerned, our children are our responsibility and that's all I need to be in contact with him for (and I keep that to the bare minimum, believe me). I really don't need to be friends with his partner, or even on speaking terms, nor do I have any desire to know her or meet her just the once. I would be civil if a crossing of paths were to happen, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make it happen. As for Facebook, I block anyone who the ex is close to (assuming I am able - don't always know their surnames), including his family, closest friends and girlfriends. I just don't want him having any kind of access to my life - it's not personal to the people concerned. I acknowledge that I am perhaps lucky in this respect as it seems all our joint friends made their loyalties very clear early in the break up so I'm not offending anyone who hasn't already greatly offended me!

None of this means I am going to go out of my way to influence my children against any new girlfriend. Quite the opposite. I am more than happy for them to meet whoever the ex sees fit and let him get on with it. They are fully aware of what he's like - but they love him regardless - and I don't intend to interfere with that unless any of his friends/family/partners give me reason to. I do know that I have been referred to as 'cold and calculating' as a result and perhaps it feels like that if you're on the receiving end of...nothing? But that's how it works for me and it certainly serves to minimise drama and upset between the ex and I.

It is always worth remembering that children are able to form their own opinions about people, do very much (even from a young age) understand that if X is sleeping in dad's bed, that person is in the way to their parent's reconciling (which many children want, even if they know it wouldn't be sensible), and are influenced by what they see and hear on TV, through social media and their friends. What you perceive to be a nasty comment doesn't mean that mum planted it for the child to pull out and hurt you with.

If you continue to refer to mum as 'the birth mother' you will, however, run into problems. It's unacceptable to many people - not only on here but in real life. I would most certainly confront you if my children were to ever suggest a comment along those lines had been made to them about our relationship. Entirely, utterly and completely unacceptable!

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MulberryWillow · 27/08/2014 21:04

Sorry didn't mean to offend with the use of BM. I'm new to this so just copy. I shall use DSS mum in future.

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MulberryWillow · 27/08/2014 21:37

I feel really bad now, I didn't mean it in a malicious way. That's the last thing I want to do.

How do I delete this thread?

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expectantmum79 · 28/08/2014 14:48

Really, don't worry about it. I was given a hard time for my first post on this website and it was so unnecessary. People are telling you simply because some can be OTT and maybe you might get the odd dig from some internet warrior.

Try not to be too nervous about the situation with DSC, you really can't control what the mum does so just be firm but fair. Hard to do but don't make it personal, it's not the child who really feels that way if they have been brainwashed.

Very young children will find it hard to hide what adults tell them so you'll know if it is happening. As a child gets older it is more difficult but just remember you're the grown up and keep calm about it.

As fed up says - it might all be perfectly innocent and the child is just having a bad day/being a child.

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