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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Just back from holiday- how angry should I be?

49 replies

MarmiteMania · 26/08/2014 20:03

Background- Dss 20 lives here full time but keeps himself to himself, does not acknowledge me in any way never has, never been able to give dh a reason for his behaviour.

We have been away for two weeks and he has been home. Before we left i made dh tell him no parties or sleepovers. only yesterday dh spoke to him and he promised that he'd been here alone.

Found out in a text from my cleaner that his girlfriend who we have never met has been living in our home, often being left on her own whilst he works. They lived like animals and if it wasn't for our cleaner coming in I can imagine how we would have found the place.

To say I'm livid is an understatement- but not as livid as i am with dh, who is trying to minimise the whole thing, saying I'm making a fuss out of nothing and all 'kids' are wrong sometimes.

Dh thinks it has nothing to do with me but I told him it's my home too with my possessions some of which are very personal. I have told him I want to be present when he speaks to ss as I have no doubt he otherwise wouldn't bother.

Am I over reacting??

OP posts:

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Bowlersarm · 26/08/2014 20:08

His behaviour to you is appalling, in general, it sounds like.

However, I think you are unreasonable not to allow him to have a friend/girlfriend to stay whilst you are away for two weeks. It's his home too, and that's a long time to spend every evening and night by yourself.

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:11

I agree with bowlers.

He sounds like an ill mannered git...but he lives there, and I think that basic fact allows him at the age of 20, to have his gf stay.

KneeQuestion · 26/08/2014 20:13

What they said.

pigwitch · 26/08/2014 20:18

I'm assuming he pays you board to live in your house?
As an adult he should be able to have his gf over to stay especially if you're not going to be there as it wouldn't affect you. However they shouldn't expect to have the cleaner clear up after them.

SureFootedWhispher · 26/08/2014 20:21

We are going away and said DSS 20 can have his new gf over while we are away. We met her once.

However if we got home and the house is in a state there would be no peace for him. His rent would go up and a blanket ban on all friends over.

MarmiteMania · 26/08/2014 20:25

Thanks for your comments. maybe i am over reacting then. No he doesn't pay board dh would find that the most bizarre idea. But the bit that upsets me is that we weren't even consulted. Surely I have a right to know who's living in my home at any given time?

OP posts:

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:27

It's not just your home though. It's your dh's and his son's as well.
Do you consult your stepson before inviting your friends to stay?

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 26/08/2014 20:28

I agree that a 20 y.o. should be able to have his gf to stay, whether or not you are home. Talking about your precious possessions implies that you think the gf might damage or steal them, which shows a lack of respect for him and his choice of friends (or just young people in general?)

If he's really that untrustworthy I wouldn't want to live with him and I don't think you should tolerate someone living in your home if they won't talk to you.

At his age, he should be able to be civil to anyone who lives with him, should be contributing financially to the household and pulling his weight with household tasks and chores.

If your DH is letting him get away without contributing then he is BU, so yes, I would be angry, but more about the situation in general than the gf staying while you are away.

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:30

That asides...this business of not acknowledging you in any way...that seems fucking rude. Does this guy actually just pretend you're not there?

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:30

I don't think you should tolerate someone living in your home if they won't talk to you

I agree with this.

AmandaTanen · 26/08/2014 20:31

I don't think it's an over reaction. It may be where he stays but if there is no contribution to household income or maintenance or chores, it's only courteous to inform the owners as to who will be invited over.

Ihatefootball · 26/08/2014 20:31

I would be more angry that a. Your husband lets his son treat you so disrespectfully by not acknowledging you in any way and b. the step son treats someone like this whose house he lives in.

The holiday guest is really a separate issue.

Corygal · 26/08/2014 20:32

I don't like the sound of you being obliged to point out that 'it's my home too'. Yep, and you're the adult and the boss. Why do you think your DH is in thrall to his son so much?

Itsfab · 26/08/2014 20:34

Seems like both men in your life are treating you without respect.

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:36

I agree that the two issues are separate, and that the gf to stay is the less important one.

PistolWhipped · 26/08/2014 20:38

I think you should kick the entitled slovenly shit in the ball sack.

MarmiteMania · 26/08/2014 20:39

Sorry but I don't agree with you Pictish. My own children are not allowed to do anything they like in our home, there would be chaos. out of respect to us, their parents, they always ask to have criends to stay. Secondly, ss doesn't treat it as a home. He comes and goes without communicating to anyone other than dh, refuses to take down his dirty plates from his room, join us for a meal or even wish his step siblings a happy birthday. So it's more of just a room a d services for him.

OP posts:

ravenAK · 26/08/2014 20:42

It occurs to me that you got your dh to lay down the rules to him before you left (although you were the one who objected to his having guests?) & you're assuming that it'll be dh to give him a bollocking (although he thinks it's a 'fuss about nothing').

Is this because ds refuses to speak to you to the extent that you just can't have a conversation with him, or is it because dh thinks 'it has nothing to do with you' so he assumes it's his job to talk to his ds?

Neither says much for their respect for you, tbh. I think you need to establish some clear expectations with BOTH of them...

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:50

Oh I do understand where you're coming from...but meh...every 20 yr old in the world would have his gf over, and I don't think many of us would expect otherwise.

MarmiteMania · 26/08/2014 20:50

Thanks all. The non acknowledgement of me is of course the bigger issue, dh is terrified of saying anything ss doesn't want to hear or 'making' him do anything. Yes of course it's all bollocks, he is terrified of upsetting ss and ss cutting him off as he once did, which is why I've been making dh persuade ss to move by helping him with his rent. Hopefully that is happening soon as dh knows my patience is wearing thin.

But If it was the other way round than yes, dh would no doubt inform his son that we would be having friends to stay.

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 26/08/2014 20:53

OP you're not acknowledging all the people who are saying it's reasonable to let a 20 year old have a guest!

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:53

Did you move in with your dh then? Was it his place to begin with?

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mathsgsceresit · 26/08/2014 20:58

He had his GF over and he lived like a pig.

Standard 20 year old behaviour I'd say.

Be thankful you have a cleaner. I didn't when I came back and DS had had more than a GF to stay and the house was a disaster zone

This is not really the issue to take a stand on - yes he shouldn't be treating you like crap, and he shouldn't be allowed to ignore you but this isn't the battle to fight it on.

On this, he's been normal I think.

pictish · 26/08/2014 20:59

maths absolutely.

wheresthelight · 26/08/2014 21:01

I agree the issues are unrelated

you need to address the actual problem and that is your dp. he needs to deal with his son's shitty behaviour first amd foremost. Ignoring you is completely unacceptable and if he wants to continue living under your roof then he treats you with respect or he moves out with no help with rent

your dp is allowing hos son to act like a spoilt brat

the holiday thing is pretty typical of most 20 year old frankly. I think it would be a given that I had friends over when my folks were away but we also made sure the house was spotless for their return - IMHO you are projecting the actual issue onto the holiday situation

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