Being a stepdad - advice please

[moderndad1234]

Hi everyone,

Very new and really just needing a little advice. Not wanting to badmouth either my stepson or his mum/ my fiancee.

A bit of background to keep everything in context. Both me and my partner are 25, my stepson is 5. Ive been his stepdad since he was 18 months. We've been engaged for 18 months and I have a reasonably good rship with his bio dad as we do "change over" on days where my stepson either goes or comes back from his bio dads house.

Both me and my fiancee are extremely family orientated in becoming a family, morals, values etc. Both very loving and id do anything for her. By and large we are a perfect match even when it comes to parenting.

Unfortunately I feel one of the negative sides to our rship is double standards in discipling our stepson. We mostly use the super nanny/ jo frost method of time out which works wonders.

Throughout the years though discipline has been an issue. I believe in a firm but fair approch as jo frost says. I am patient and understanding to a point, which i feel is fair. But then when i do discipline or get fed up the moaning and nagging i feel that my fiancee instantly sides with my stepson, even though 5 mins later she could be telling him off for the exact same thing.

In all honesty it really hurts when my partner sides with our stepson and doesnt support me, it creates an 'us' and 'them' feeling and i end up resenting both of them. Not only that but now my stepson see's he can come between us and get his own way. I try to speak to my partner but she clams up or becomes defensive or takes things i say out of context and makes me sound bad.

I believe me being a stepdad from him being so young and us planning on having more children then i need to be on an equal footing to my partner. My thinking is that if i amto provide for him and love him as my own (the good bits) then i also need to be able to discipline and point out to him when something isnt right (the bad bits) i dont think my partner would be with me if i took the attitude that he wasnt mine biologically so this means if im to be a dad then i need to be allowed to in the full meaning of the word.

I want my stepson to have boundaries, morals and grow up to be a good person. I would always rather speak to him quietly and come to a positive conclusion but sometimes children dont want to.

I love them both with all my heart but this double standard is really hurting both me and our rship. I really want to be the best dad i can because i do look at my stepson as though he is my own, and i know my partner wants me to be a dad, but i just cannot do it if my partner resents me so much when it comes to discipline etc.

The only time i take a backseat is when it comes between my partner and my son's bio dad, as i say its hard enough to raise a child with 2 parents and alot harder with a third parent. I try not to rock the boat in that sense unless my partner needs my support.

I hope i sound reasonable and and insight would be appreciated.

[purpleroses]

Sounds like you're doing everything right - what does your DP think about the way she reacts when you try to discipline your DSS? Does she realise she's undermining you? It can be very instinctive to want to side with/protect your own DC if you feel another adult is being too harsh with them, but I think you need to bite your toungue sometimes and let your DP be in charge, and show your DC that their step parent can tell them what to do if you want things to work as a family.

So you need to know whether she thinks you're being too harsh on DSS (in which case some clearer, agreed, possibly compromised rules are what you need) or whether she agrees with everything you pick him up on, in which case she needs to learn to let go a bit and accept you having that role in his life, and also demonstrate to DSS that he is to take authority from you.

[moderndad1234]

My fiancee says im too harsh on him (he can be a lovely child) but when he's back chatting, throwing tantrums even when you help him, spitting, passing wind on you purposely, running round no matter where the time or place... I understand kids need to be kids, im all for that, but its to the extreme.

So the other day i sat back and let him do what he wanted and if he had a problem i let my fiancee deal with him... This lasted for 6 hours and ended up being ultimately my fault. I was told that i hadnt helped her with him... I feel as though im damned if i do and damned if i dont.

I always try to look at things from either my stepsons or fiancees point of view first, i dont want to be a tyrant in the house.

[SeaSaltMill]

Have you sat her down and spoken to her about it? If you just suddenly stop, sit back like you say you did, but don't tell you are doing it, then of course she will think you haven't helped.

You do need to be on equal footing, and if you really disagree with things then speak up about it. She may immediately jump to her son's defence, which is a natural instinct, but give her some time, be calm about it and hopefully you can both agree.

[WakeyCakey45]

So the other day i sat back and let him do what he wanted and if he had a problem i let my fiancee deal with him... This lasted for 6 hours and ended up being ultimately my fault. I was told that i hadnt helped her with him... I feel as though im damned if i do and damned if i dont.

I actually think this is very telling. Because your fiancé is telling you (through her actions if not her words) that she expects you to do things her way. She has criticised your way of "parenting" but when you stop, she criticises that too.
Despite you having no obligation or responsibility to parent her DS, she clearly has expectations that you will do so (hence her objection to you not helping). Unless you and she can agree a common approach to parenting, however, it is inevitable that if you are constantly undermined - eventually, you'll give up.

I think you may need to evaluate, as a couple, what you both need from each other in order to feel fulfilled and loved in your relationship. There is a great tool online; perhaps you could work through it together? If not, maybe a third party, via relationship counselling or the Alpha programme, would help both of you communicate your needs without getting defensive or frustrated.

[captainproton]

Hmmm I understand exactly what you are saying, but I find it upsetting that you refer to your stepson's father as his biodad. Really there is only one dad and only one mum. You are stepdad and your stepson may call you dad but I think the real dad needs to play a part in this.

I don't think it's right you are being asked to raise your stepson as the child's father because you are not the child's father.

My DH had this with his first marriage, he was to be daddy, when there was already a dad. He had to have all the responsibilities but none of the rights.

When his marriage broke down and a 3rd daddy appeared on the scene, he slowly lost contact with his stepchildren.

If dad is on the scene then I think your DP and her ex need to take the lead in parenting and you must have a say of course but if things are amicable let them work out the rules.

Is your partner the resident parent? Or is it 50/50?

I have lots of opinions on how my DSS should be raised, especially when it comes to chores, electronic gadgets and TV etc. Although I may offer an opinion I cannot decide on these matters. I support DH and his ex's decisions and DH would love me to be the bad cop to his good cop, it is his child to discipline and my role to support him.

[moderndad1234]

Sorry just wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I just refer to him as his bio dad for clarity on the forum, no other reason.

We're not expecting DSS to think of me as his biological dad, infact he calls me by my name which is all good. We are 100% clear that his biological dad is his dad, we would never want to 'kid' him of thinking of any other way. My point is that in the context of when we (us 3) are together as a family that i must be a dad, or for clarity, assume the role of a parent. If we are to have more children as we would like, i dont want a divide between all of our kids.

[moderndad1234]

We have DSS 6days out of 7 a week

[captainproton]

Moderndad, that sounds fairly healthy approach. I have 2 children with DH. The way it works for us is that if DH is around when DSS needs disciplining he does it. I will do it if DH is not there and DSS is in my care.

I think there is temptation by parents to want to appear to be the nicest one out of the 2 homes, and therefore get their partner to do the dirty work. I put my foot down there.

Maybe your DP is struggling to discipline and is lashing out at you because to her it seems you can do it and she cant?

[moderndad1234]

My overall view is trying to strike the healthy balance in all aspects of life, especially parenting.

As far as discipline i dont want to do so much i look a bad parent and dont want to do so little i look like a lazy, unhelpful parent, allowing my fiance to take the brunt of any bad behaviour.

Theres been many times in the past where my fiance has asked me to take DSS to one side to speak to him in a calm way to resolve an issue and it usually worked. But lately the structure has gone out of the window and without it DSS has no positive outcome and even though my fiancee tells him off if DSS winds her up, i then feel that resentfulness towards me and 5 mins later theyre best friends (i dont believe in holding grudges with kids) but i feel im resented even though i played no part in it?

[moderndad1234]

Im absolutely 100% up for discussion and resolution, even trying to find resolution would be great even if we ultimately didnt fully agree.

My fiancee often praises me and says she could not do it in my shoes. Both my fiancee and DSS are amazing people.

As the relationship has progressed i have attempted to talk about the issue. I didnt say anything for about a year, thereafter i tried to speak to her and i just always hit a brick wall with the subject. I tried every tactful aporoach but i got instantly shut down and shut off. Then about 8 months ago a bit of a breakthrough, my fiancee allowed me a bit of slack and understanding, the household was happy, she had someone to share the load of disciplining and DSS behaviour improved whilst still staying happy and i felt i had value as a parent and partner.

About 2 months ago though the old habits crept back and i went back to square one.

[moderndad1234]

I remember one night we went for dinner and towards the end i tried to tactfully touch on the subject... I was shut down and the night went to pot, i tried every nice way to put my point across and said that these sort of issues are not good to ignore, they will only grow and cause more disruption - which i want to avoid.

[captainproton]

Personally I would be hesitant to marry someone who refused to communicate reasonably over something which is going to be pretty much fundamental to your happy home life. Your DSS lives with you 6/7 and if you don't resolve this that's how many days of the week you will probably resent the situation.

If your DP refuses to discuss this at all, how long are prepared to live in this situation? And does your DP know that she could be risking your future together?

[moderndad1234]

Im hoping she will see sense as she has before in the past. She's got a good head and heart on her so im hoping thatll come through.

[purpleroses]

I think I would push her a bit on why she says she couldn't do it in your shoes - it sounds a little as if she knows she's asking something that's unreasonable of you. Being a step parent is hard, but can also be lots of fun, and I don't think it's helpful if either of you sees you as some kind of martyr.

If a meal out together would be too much of a special event that you wouldn't want to spoil with a tricky conversation, then just make time at home to discuss parenting and how best to present a united front to DSS.

But I do think you need to be able to discuss things freely and frequently to be successful parents together. Your fiancé can't have it both ways - she can't have the autonomy of a single parent, but also work as a family with you.

[Moderndad123]

Im probably going to sound obstructive in saying this but over the course of a few years ove tried i feel every suitable time and approach. DSS is up for 7 -8 am and goes to sleep 9-10pm, even on school nights he doesnt seem to settle any earlier, as a result we dont get much adult time. Would you want to wake up at 6am or before you go to sleep at 10pm to bring up such a sensitive subject, do you think my partner is going to be in any frame of mind to talk at these times?

[purpleroses]

What about the night when DSS goes to his dad's? Might be a good time to talk.

Or you could see if you can get some help from the health visitor, GP or a parenting class on getting DSS's sleep patterns sorted out. You might find everything gets a lot easier if you're all getting a better night's sleep

[captainproton]

I think you need to be firm with your DP, she must realise there is an issue with discipline and bedtimes.

[truthwithin]

It always depends on DP.

I am pretty strict with DC but when Dd 5 comes back from her dad's we have to give her a couple of days leeway to adjust.

She is often, cheeky, rude, and entitled, mainly because her dad does not nip this behaviour in the bud.

I would definitely speak to her mum as if both of you are playing the same game, there is no room for child manipulation.

[shey03]

Op you sound really great. Your partner clearly has no idea how destructive this situation can be and communication does need to be opened up. I try to think of the behaviour and the child being separate, as it helps to know that you can love the child with all your heart, but not love the behaviour. To want something better for them should be natural for any parent but you've gotta be on the same page or it leaves a child confused and they grow up thinking that they can play one off against another. Personally I'd want to step right back out of this as you did before, it may lead to confrontation, or may lead to a reality check and valuable dialogue.

Either way, I would not consider having children with someone who appears so permissive in their style of parenting. Your kids may end up enemies as two camps may develop........

[Moderndad123]

Me and my fiancee spoke brieftly and I said I feel pushed out of the family when i try to discipline DSS and my fiancee defends and hugs him. I said that she is in a position of safety as she will always be mum no matter what, and being a step-parent this may not always be the case. Her reply was that was just the way I was thinking as she would do it if he was mine biologically so I need to stop thinking the way i do or it will affect us both now and when we have more children.

I was a bit dumbstruck at first as this was the first time this had been said. At which point she had to leave to go to an appointment, so i was left with my thoughts and i came to the following conclusion. If indeed she would act the same if DSS was mine biologically how would she feel if i undermined/ pulled her up about discipline? I feel as though as mum she needs not answer to anyone (which is largely true) but as a step parent you have to take in to consideration DPs view. I genuinely think if DSS was mine biologically it would shock her if i questioned her on when she disciplined our son.

I hope im coming across as reasonable. I understand its hard being a parent. I feel its even harder being a step parent.

[shey03]

Totally reasonable. Being a step parent tests and challenges you in ways that you would not normally be in any other life situation. You doubt yourself, your worth as a person, even your own sanity at times! Your partner seems lacking in any empathy or understanding/appreciation of your actions and good intentions. Trouble is, if this goes on, the parental divide will become massive and even if you detach, your dp's son behaviour/attitude may mirror his mothers and/or deteriorate. As you say, she becomes the hero and has the blood bond anyway, you will be the panto baddie...

Sometimes OP, these things take a long time to resolve, my partner only recently had his epiphany on his dc - that took 2 years. 2 years of pain/frustration and being blamed, because he dare not confront his dc's behaviour, absolutely heartbreaking. Thank god for this forum, it's kept me going, just having somewhere to vent with people who can empathise and who do understand is really helpful.

I would take a step back and let her deal with the negative behaviour, see how she does, see how his behaviour is and see how you feel.

[Moderndad123]

Thank you for the advice, invaluable! And nice to hear in some cases there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think thats what upsets me most. She openly admits she could not be a step parent, but with that fails to see my point of view. She sits in a total position of safety and i feel judged without her putting herself in my situation.

I feel like such a bad person sometimes but a part of me says "no youre right, if you allow your feelings to be bulldozed it will crush you emotionally".