sleeping arrangements when dps children are home.

[NamesNick]

dp and I moved in together 6 months ago. into my house. which is now ours of course.

he has joint custody of his 3 children and I have full custody of my dd.

so dps children are at our home alternate weeks.

before we moved in together and had sleepovers in each others homes dps children always woke in the night and climbed into bed with us. this made me feel a little awkward tbh amd as I am aware that their mother specifically stated she doesnt want them sleeping beside me...whatever her reasons are...and I tend to agree just on the basis that my daughter very rarely got into my bed unless she was ill.

on sleepovers it got to the stage that I would sleep in spare room and dps children would all climb into his bed.

when we moved in. it took a bit of training to get them to sleep in own beds and if they woke in the night dp would go to them, settle them and come back into our bed.

we set some ground rules and one of them being no children in our bed.

this has worked up until now.

early hours of this morning I awoke to finding 2 out of 3 in our bed alongside me and dp. these kids sprawl...so I was kind of pushed out amd had a pretty bad nights sleep.

im not too happy about it tbh and feel that dp has just reverted back to old ways. am I being selfish that I dont want to share my bed with children including my own?

dp is aware that im not pleased about this and I feel I need to explain again why I feel this way

am I being silly? im not precious about 'my space' per se. its more of a consistency thing and all children are treated the same

can I ask what the arrangements are in your household when familes merge.

its worth noting that we have been together for a while and everything seems calm and settled into our family routine.

I jus don't want to have to go back to broken sleep and training (for want of a better word) the children to sleep in own beds..

I feel im rambling now. .

[yoyo27]

No you're right. My children always slept in with me if they woke in the night, but when DP moved in, that stopped. And it's appropriate really. They aren't his kids and they shouldn't share a bed with us. Out own daughter does sometimes if she wakes in the night, but she is only 21 months, so it's different.

It's your own space. And if your child isn't allowed, then his shouldn't either x

[NamesNick]

thanks yoyo. appreciate it.

I just feel like after all the effort we put in to establish 'house rules' its so easy to revert back unless someone ie the grown up is consistent about it.
we will see what tonight brings

[sunnysarah]

No I think you are right, I have 2 children of my own and dp has two girls who sleep over every weekend and in school holidays. My two occasionally get in our bed but ONLY when dp has gone off to work and they like a morning cuddle but this really is a rarity now. We certainly wouldn't let any of the children in our bed when we are both there.

[purpleroses]

My DD used to get in my bed quite often before I moved in with DH. He wasn't happy about her coming into our joint bed so I did as your DP did and trained her to get back to sleep in her own bed by going to her if she woke. It was really hard work for about 6 months whilst she got used to the new home and learned to settle herself, so no way would I be wanting to waste all that effort by letting her start coming into our bed again. Thankfully she's getting older now and doesn't try.

Your bed is a bit of a different thing when you're a couple from when you're a single parent. There's not enough space for children too, and neither DH not I are as close physically with each other's kids plus we might want a shag in the morning

I'd let it go as a one off but make it clear that it's not something you want them to get in the habit of.

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

I'm with you OP. I tell my dd not to come into my bed (I have 3 DCs but she's the only one who regularly wants to come into my bed). Sometimes when dp is not here I wake up and find her there, but if I notice her come in, I send her back to hers or carry her if she's asleep.

Dp used to let his dd get into my bed between us in the mornings and then he'd go back to sleep, leaving her chatting away to me .

I told him I don't want my own kids' clammy feet all over me, let alone anyone else's and made a point of not inviting them to stay some weekends and telling him honestly it's because I want a lie-in and I don't get one when they are here.

He now gets up with his dd and takes her downstairs instead. It means we miss morning sex (although that's always a bit hard work anyway, due to having one eye on the door!)

I completely agree about consistency, rules for all, and I think you need to spell out that you don't want to be relegated to the spare room in your own house, but that having them in with you makes you feel uncomfortable.

[NamesNick]

thats another thing..dp lets his youngest into bed for example and he's in the middle...ok for safety etc but then dp had turned his back, falls asleep and im being kicked in the face...

I awoke last night to his seven year olds head in my crotch fgs!!!
I was under the covers though and as always the children are lying on top of the covers. ..so makes moving the duvet so difficult!!

today has been a tough day 'stepmum' wise. I do feel like a bit of a narky bitch.

thats what happens when ive had little sleep

nice to see people agreeing. seems im on the right track

[Kaluki]

Totally agree!
After waking up one morning literally nose to nose with DSD I put my foot down. No more kids in our bed!
I just don't feel comfortable sharing my bed with dc who aren't mine!
I posted on here at the time and got roasted but don't regret it one bit!!!

[Liara]

No step children here, but two dc with a tendency to want to cuddle at night, and I find it completely ruins my night to have to get up, settle them and come back to bed. I can never get back to sleep.

What has worked for us is to have them in a large double bed in their room. When they wake up at night, I go to them and spend the rest of the night in their bed with them. They get the cuddles they crave, I get a crap night's sleep, dh sleeps well (so can give me a lie in in the morning to make up for it!) and they don't get into the habit of climbing into our bed.

Any chance something like that would work?

[NamesNick]

liara. they have a double bed which the 5 and 8 yr old sleep in.
and in the same room the 3 yr old in his cot bed.

we do need a bigger house but have given the boys the largest of the bedrooms and dd sleeps in the boxroom.

I spent a lot of time 'doing up' their bedroom - which was previously my gorgeous spare room, all soft furnishings and mood lighting - but now its a proper boys room all mine crafted to within an inch of its life!! stampylongnleedinnose has a lot to answer for.

There have been occasions when dp has slept in their double bed and I would rather this tbh. just not sure why last night was so different especially after the effort put in over past months.

[MulberryWillow]

I agree with you. I don't have SS in bed when I'm there but on the nights I'm not here, SS is in bed with OH and i hate it.

He's not my child, I don't want to share a pillow with a 7 year old boy, he has his room, I have just a side of a bed where I can retreat to.

[ClashCityRocker]

I must admit, my DSS slept in our bed from two to four. This was with his mums blessing and encouragement - she's a firm believer in toddlers in the same bed (or was at the time - now she has another three under four I think she may have changed her mind!) and didn't want to disrupt his routine so much - given that coming to ours was already a disruption.

I wasn't hugely keen at first - toddlers take up far too much room for their relative size! But there were some nice things about it too. And I am very much not keen on kids in bedrooms tbh...

I was glad when he graduated to his own bed. And I think given that your DH has already laid the ground rules, and it's not something you'd do with your own children, these need to be reinforced and not allowing the bed sharing to creep back in.

[shey03]

Totally agree. I just can't take kids in the bed, I like my sleep too much. I'd put a stop to the bed sharing, it's not necessary and if it becomes a comfort thing again, you're screwed and it will cause you alot of relationship problems which nobody needs. The bed is for you and your dp.

[Liara]

Well then he's just being lazy about getting up and into their bed! You aren't depriving him of sharing a bed with them, so you have every right to stand your ground.

And I say this as a chronic co sleeper...