feeling frustrated...yet again!

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I really hate feeling like this but being a step parent is so hard.

I can't say or do right without getting g glares from dp or hum telling me I have said something to much.

Yesterday we went out to pick up a few bits and pieces just to get out the house. It wasn't some action packed adventure as we are quite skint just now (decorating/fixing and entire house)

But every time we went anywhere the kids just stropped and moaned and acted like spoiled brats. We ended up cutting g our day and didn't gets one of what we needed because I couldn't take the kids moaning. I asked what was wrong g with dss and dp told me to stop having a go. I'm sorry but sometimes in life you have to do things you don't like and I'm not putting what needs done on hold because the kids are here.

I was getting more frustrated as we needed to buy football docks for the boy (ok not a problem essential etc) but dsd then piped up see since you're buying him football stuff can I get x'y and or z . We told her no because it's not tit for tat and he needed the socks. She went in a total huff. Another reason we left early.

Once we were home I was doing house work getting dinner organised and I asked someone to put out the recycling- what an event it was all huff and puff so I went nuts said don't bother I'll do it myself.

The kids forget (especially dss) that we had stood in the kissing rain while he played football. We make them nice meals usually do nice stuff with them. Is it totally unreasonable to ask them to put a few boxes in a bin??

Oh I'm just so annoyed and dp is getting defensive anytime I try to speak to him. (He isn't Disney just frustrating sometimes)

So just on for a rant. And breathe.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Been there. Done that. It's hard isn't it?

To give you an idea, in the 10 years I have been with OH, 9 of them living together - his 17 yr old daughter has done the washing up once. And that was because I made her as she brought all her plates down just after I cleaned the kitchen. We stopped taking her anywhere about 4 years ago as she just huffed and puffed and quite frankly - life is too short to pay for her to have hissy fits every other weekend. We took her out for a meal to celebrate her AS results on friday and she just had a handful of pasta. It's like having a very large expensive toddler in the house.

[TheMumsRush]

Totally feel your pain, I had a tread about it myself (see arrrrrrrrr). I've had words with DH about it now and told him they they start doing a few bits to help as when ds gets older he will wonder why he's the only one helping while they sit on their arses.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I think I seen that. I never ask for help so when I do I kinda expect it done without question ( I know - who am I kidding) I just needed A vent. I'm going nuts.

[Whatever21]

This has nothing to do with steps it is about kids in general.

Mine huff and puff if we go near the DIY store, shopping for me, refusal to buy them a present aswell etc.

If they do not shut up, I go even slower, they soon work it out and shut up. To the point I go to shops I do not need and are even more boring, try the carpet store for boredom!!!!

Chores are chores, clothes in the washing, washing in the sink,r rubbish in the bin - bearing in mind 6 and 4 is young, they have to "wash up" once in the week and once at the weekend - do not do it, bye bye ipad. It works.

[yoyo27]

Yep totally understand! Same here. We have been doing the front and back gardens this summer as it's been so great to have the kids to help!! Mine help with no problem, and always get a treat for it, even if it's just a 20p sweet!! They appreciate that they should help and that things get done a lot quicker!

His kids are here every weekend, and full weeks during the summer. They aren't asked to do much!! Just help out their dad. It's a great way to get to spend time with him. But they aren't interested! DSD started crying earlier saying she didn't want to help. Last time she said "I'm not helping today, I'm not a slave". And I've heard her say (about helping keep an eye on the youngest two) "I'm NOT helping out with xx today....I've got much better things to do with my time".

Problem is that they went from having their dad's full attention every weekend and having tonnes of money spent on them (£30 on the penny machines was nothing!) to not doing that. They've had to learn that the world doesn't stop for them. And I really do appreciate that it must be hard!!!!! But they're old enough (10 and 11) to understand that they can so fun things. But we just need a bit of help!

But my DSD even says that at home she doesn't have any boundaries. Can do what she likes, when she likes, eat what she likes, go where she likes. I've never known anyone have as many clothes as she does. Her brother isn't too bad. Pretty quiet and just wants to play on his phone!!

I can't say anything as I just get backchat, which I don't stand for from any of the kids, mine included. And then the silent treatment x

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

So glad I'm not alone. Its just a constant headache and pussy footing. Things need done and at the end of the day when I eventually have a child of my own they will have to come as they won't get a weekend off! So whyshould his miss not gavé to do stuff!
Dont get me wrong dp agrees with me but he just doesn't enforce anything. Or he does and it happens for a week. Eg telling the kids to knock before coming to our bedroom. Or his daughter height the word 'bloody' so loosely last time he said do it again and your grounded happened this week same threat. She knows he won't follow or up so she will keep doing it.

Arrghhh the joys. Xx

[3littlefrogs]

TBH I would be thinking very hard about whether I wanted to have a child with this man.

If you are finding things difficult now, it will be ten times worse with a baby thrown into the mix.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I do want to have his child. He's a great dad just somethings are a pain to get him to do or stick too it's hardly the worstproblem. I'm just more frustrated at the kids just now. Their attitude is really stinky unless they are getting their own way. They are allowed to be like that at their mums. I'm pretty certain if they we're here full time they would be totally different.

I've no doubt that dp is the man I want to have my baby with. Xx

[TheMumsRush]

Whatever, I do agree with you that it's kids in general but when it's step kids you have the added dynamic of disney dad undermining you out of guilt and trying to not over step because, well, their not your flesh and blood.

[mosaicone]

My worst pet hate is the "it's not fair" from eldest dd if a penny more is spent on her sister. An extra sweet can cause a tantrum. She's 13. However I have taught my dp that it's ok not to be fair in some respects - just because her new swimming costume cost less than her sisters does not entitle her to the difference in money imo!
I feel your pain.

[Whatever21]

Do you actually know they get to behave like that or they say they do?

Your DP needs start acting like a parent and parent them properly. I doubt they do get away with so much at their mums - single mum, 2 kids - she can not be doing everything for them all the time.

The issue is not the kids it is your partner

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I have a sttong incling from what they say and the calls we get from their mum about unreasonable stuff. Can only guess they get away with loads at their mums.

[ClashCityRocker]

I have every sympathy.

We had to take DSS9 oven shopping a couple of weeks ago, it didn't help as we weren't sure what we were looking for, had to go back and double check measurements, phone calls to our friend who was fitting it etc...nope, not a barrel of laughs for a nine year old but if he wanted feeding for the next two weeks, he had to put up with it.

He was obviously fed up - and being a bit of a brat, which tbh isn't like him at all. He was rude to a shop assistant, asking him if his job was the most boring job in the world.

DH pissed me off a bit as he kept sneaking off to look at the TVs (no chance!) and came back after I'd finished discussing with the sales person for ages about what we needed, and decided he wanted 'that one'....whilst pointing to one that was totally the wrong sort of oven.

I could've quite cheerfully left the both of them there.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Don't get me wrong we do try to do the boring stuff when we font have kids but sometimes needs must.

I think dp can be a bit too much on their side with it but he gets that it needs done.

I think both the kids and dp are to blame.

But kids at away now got a few days off without them so peace is restored x

[yoyo27]

I'm finding it really hard today. Bad weather, car broken, lots of people in one house and nowhere (garden) to escape to.

Everything I say is met with a sarcastic comment or something to contradict what I am saying. I just tell her to stop being rude x

[shey03]

Gawd guys, I'm in the same boat. Thoroughly awful day yesterday, why is it that dp's dc feel so 'entitled' yet are so unappreciative? Why is it they cannot go 5 minutes, without I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, oh I need this/that - they are nearly teenagers! The oldest is just so angry and controlling and such a bully to the younger ones (and to us). The best thing that came out of it, is that I broke down in tears and said that I couldn't cope and was having a bad day with it all. Instead of the usual defensiveness, 'my kids are lovely, my kids are wonderful!' speech, he finally admitted that things are unacceptable, they have to change and asked for my advice. Eureka, so that's only two years of my life it's taken for that to happen..........

My advice OP, if you don't see positive changes happening soon, think about whether or not you are prepared to live with it getting worse as they get older. Because you will not believe how bad it can get if your dp does not shape up.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I have told dp im not happy with the attitude in General. I dont get hellos and when I ask them to help its met with moans etc. Dp has addressed the hello issue but as for everything else I think he needs to understand that I find it hard to want to treat them or get them stuff when it's met with - I have it at mums or I done or watched it at mums. Or my mums getting me this or that.

We are getting a dog at the weekend and I really dread that the kids will think he is theirs. He is for everyone.

I feel so horrible feeling like I do.

[how2cope]

always you're not horrible for feeling that way, you're human!

It's such a horrible tightrope to walk, being an SP. Often it's unappreciated and taken for granted and that makes it even more frustrating. Plus, I for one, am always acutely aware of having to alwys put a happy face on so that any little disagreements between myself and my DP aren't reported back to the useless self centred cow of a mother exw...sometimes it's just exhausting!

Anyway always you aren't alone and trust me, you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances and your DP knows it, he just might not want to accept responsibility for how difficult his previous life decisions have made things for you, the woman he loves!

[yoyo27]

I honestly don't know how my fiancé is a step parent full time. I guess it's because he gets to escape to his office to work etc.

I was watching the children eat last night and my DSD was really annoying in the way she eats. Then looked at my own daughter who was doing similar. Didn't annoy me though. I guess we just have to accept we will always feel different towards them....it's human nature x

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I actually feel like at the moment I have an unhealthy resentment towards the kids. It's a shame. It's not their fault.

I don't grudge them anything but dp took kids to football and dsd only went becauseshe didn't want her brother to have money spent on him and not on her which pisses me off. She also walks about like she has a stick up her arse and everyone is beneath her. The boy doesn't say hello even though dp has had words frequently about this. It feels like everything they do at the moment is irritating me for no reason. Then dp offered me to take his dd to a concert. I told him no chance since I don't think she gives me enough respect for me to take her. I'll be nice and I'll be friendly and I would never do anything to hurt them but the feeling is not mutual which makes it 100 times harder. Xx