How to cope?

[SDRyan]

I don't think I can be a step parent, I don't what to do any more.

I had a stepfather (actually, I have another, but I don't view him as that but instead a good husband to my mother) and had a stepmother. They both went the way of divorce.

My stepfather was awful and I vowed never to be like that to my own children. Well, I don't have a child of my own, but I do now have a DSD. It has been one year and, sadly, over time our relationship has deteriorated. Over time, I came to understand how things are between my DW and DSD. As an outsider, I saw things my DW perhaps did not (such as the lies, this seems to be one thing that she doesn't want her mother to know she does).

I tried to be a peace keeper and help them find middle ground. Maybe I shouldn't have, I don't know, it just felt like the right thing to do. I know that parents and children will always argue, but (at least it seemed to me) it was a bit too much.

DSD was now having more opportunities in life (she got her dream bed, gets to go horse riding, got the pet she always dreamed of - although after a couple of weeks mainly ignored it, prefers her pets computer game to a real life one), but a familiar theme kept appearing (and my DW told me that it had been this way for many years before we met) that what she had was always wasn't enough.

I'll try to keep a long story short (I actually wrote a load of stuff, but realised this was becoming thesis-length).

In the end, I was dragged into all this. Perhaps my eyes opened up and I began to see my DSD's anger towards us each time she didn't get what she wanted or wanted more than she was getting. Or was asked to do her very few duties (prepare her bag for school, clean up after herself in the kitchen/dining room or tidy her room). She will show a very angry face and speak towards us rudely. The only peace is when she has her face glued to her PC or tablet. Even asking her if she has her bus pass, or telling her it's cold outside so to take her fleece puts me on the receiving end.

It's all come to a point now where I can't stand to see her angry face any more. We dread to go out on days out with her as she usually at least ruins her mother's mood. It has completely turned me off going on holiday.

At school, she's great. Very well-behaved, very nice and helpful to the teachers. She does everything she's asked. None of them had a bad word to say about her, too. I can't understand why it's the opposite at home, why she is nicer to teachers - or even strangers - than her own mother.

[rosepetalsoup]

Have you posted before, OP? Or perhaps that was another stepdad (I think his name was BuzzLightBulb).

Anyway, this sounds tough. Do you still love your DP? I can imagine it's hard if you don't have kids together to keep you in it. I wonder if your DP needs to take her daughter less seriously. Kind of 'here's what you're getting if you don't like it then tough' sort of stance. Is she still apologising and guilty over her divorce? It sounds like she's not parenting strongly enough, and that obviously leaves a void for you to fill, but it would be a mistake to do so!

[GreenGrassStains]

How old is Dsd?
If preteen/teen it sounds fairly normal behaviour IMO, just try not to take it personally and encourage DW to not reward bad behaviour with attention

[shey03]

Yep, I'd let your dp take the lead with parenting, discipline and ease up with all the treats as she's clearly taking advantage. You as the step parent cannot take the lead here, it will destroy you, believe me I've been there. Same as you, my dp's dc seem great at school and okay with everyone but their father and me. Do they have a relationship with their other parent?

[SDRyan]

@rosepetalsoup, it's my first post. I think you are right about DW should take DSD less seriously. She's just a kid doing what a lot of kids do and, in my view, we could be having a lot worse problems.

@GreenGrassStains, DSD is 12. To me, she comes across between a teen and all the way down to a little baby (I'm not trying to be insulting, just the age ranges that her behaviour reminds me of at times, for example throwing toys out of her bed when she doesn't get what she wants). We can get on great at times and have conversations on many topics. One thing is for sure (so I think anyway), she needs friends outside of school, something beyond her computer. She needs someone to talk to about the stuff people her age are interested in. Maybe this is part of the problem - we're all around each other too much.

@rosepetalsoup, I definitely still love my DW.

@shey03, DSD doesn't have frequent contact with her father. To quote what she once said to her mother, "SDRyan spends more time with me and has done more for me than my real dad ever has." Him and my DW don't communicate much, usually he does so to mess with DW's head, although less often than before. He doesn't like to lose control of what he views as "his" (I mean about my DW, rather than his daughter). Maybe one of the reasons DSD has "distanced" herself from him as is that he seems to forget he has a daughter at times (so it comes across to me). In the past, he would call up to rage on at DW and not even ask about his daughter. Now he and his daughter talk about once per month.

Thank you everyone. I feel a lot better about it all now and understand better what I should and - importantly - should not be doing.

[rosepetalsoup]

I think that as it's been one year only you should just hang in there. Make sure you and your DP get time to do things alone regularly (can DSD stay at a grandparent's for the night?) There's always a lot of turmoil at the start, and it sounds like you're in the thick of it. It's optimistic that you say the bile-filled ex is calming down. Your DP needs to find more inner strength. She should have no contact with her Ex apart from arrangements about their daughter (if he really is so toxic). She should also make some clear decisions re. daughter. I.e. enrol her in some clubs through school and turn off the wifi at a set time each night. For what it's worth my DSD was exactly the same at that age and it did get worse throughout her teens, peaking at about 14. It was mostly the internet to blame, and weak parenting. She's now almost adult and calming down, though won't ever be a completely mainstream person. Girls especially can be wretched at that age!! I think you should just try to back your DP up, encourage strong parenting, and most of all focus on keeping yourself happy and upbeat so you can be a good, positive influence on both their lives. Make sure you excercise regularly. If DSD has been difficult that day detach from her, crack open a bottle of wine and have fun cooking a late supper for just you and DP. You're primarily there as a support for your DP.

[rosepetalsoup]

P.s. Also if it really does seem too much you could always go and get your own flat and have a more boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for now. Then, if things work out and DSD calms down and grows up, you still have ages to get married and move in together.

[Foxeym]

I have 2DD and they are 15&13 and you could be describing them. Unfortunately it just sounds like teenage behaviour. Nothing is ever enough and they sometimes are horrible to my DP and me. My partner and I also have a DS together and they love him to bits but even this is not enough for them to see beyond their own anger

[SDRyan]

Unfortunately, there isn't anyone locally DSD can stay with overnight. They are from abroad (although settled well into the UK, especially DSD, she loves life here and doesn't want to go back to her home country). My parents don't live nearby.

DSD goes to art club once per week (during term time), private horse riding lessons twice per month and dance class once per week (during term time). I have to admit, the dance class is not by choice, her mum makes her go. It's the one bit of exercise she gets, as otherwise she is just sat in front of her computer or tablet. Maybe she shouldn't be made to go though? I know DW worries about DSD's health a lot though.

I think Internet is part of the problem - if she has to go out then she doesn't have access (unless her mum lets her use her phone), so she won't be happy. She used to have unrestricted access, but the amount of time she spent with it was excessive (14-15 hours per day), so we started to limit it. Internet for her tablet gets enabled if/when she asks for it (and it's between 09:00-21:00). Her computer is only accessible between 09:00-21:00 and limited to six hours of Internet, at least during the summer. I don't know if that's still excessive, but it's what my DW wants, so I support her.

I think I can keep at it. We did discuss something similar (about living apart), but ultimately don't want to be apart from each other.

Thank you.

[SDRyan]

"I know DW worries about DSD's health a lot though."

[SeaSaltMill]

12 years old is a difficult age for a girl especially. On the cusp of womanhood but still a child. My DSD is 11 and she is the same, one minute a delight and the next sullen and sulky. Its how your DP, as her mother, deals with it.

Hang in there. Like a PP said, its only been a year. Relationships evolve, and parental / Step parental relationships are no different. My DSD was 5 when we met, she's now 11 going on 21 and our relationship is very different to what it was.

On the internet issue, you will find that LOADS of 11 - 16 year olds live out their lives over the internet, facebook, instagram etc, its becoming the norm. That's not to say its right, but its not unusual.

[Fairenuff]

To me, she comes across between a teen and all the way down to a little baby

This really is quite normal behaviour for a 12 year old. It's important to pick your battles. Some things you can let go.