Worried about my DC getting close to DSC

[PeppaPug]

DSC are 7 and 8. My DDs are 7 and 2 and have a DS due next month. DSC mum has a history of frustrating contact - she has stopped it all together several times, moved away without telling us, thinks DC should choose whether they come or not etc. My elder DD is very close to both DSC and was really upset when contact stopped last time for a whole year as exW moved and we had to find her then go through court to get contact reinstated.

Now my younger DD is becoming very much attached to my 8 yr old DSS. She adores him and he is great with her, when he's not here she mentions him constantly. ExW still randomly decides on the day of contact that one or both DC won't be coming and my DC are left really confused and upset. DH is taking her back to court for breaching the order but in a couple of years the court will take into account the DSCs wishes which may well be to stay home and see their friends instead and their mum will encourage that rather than contact.

Obviously I want all the DC to continue to get on and build relationships but I can't help worrying about the affect the uncertainty and hurt is having on my current and future children. Does anyone else have this concern? How have you resolved it?

[WakeyCakey45]

I eventually stopped my DD having contact with my DSC for this reason (amongst others).

DSD is three years older than DD, and when they were younger, DD put her on a pedestal. She adored her stepsis.

Then DSD came under pressure from her mum to choose not to see us, and contact became erratic - last minute cancellations, early departures, and poor DD was devastated, very upset. Contact eventually stopped for a couple of years.

When the same thing began to happen with DSS (they were even closer once DSD was off the scene), I asked DH to ensure that whatever contact schedule he eventually agreed to (and there have been several) prevented DSS being here when DD is (she spends 50% of her time with her dad, so not difficult for DH to achieve). I've also said that before I'll consider allowing contact between them again (if either decided to live here, for instance) I'd want family counselling for us all.
We did look at the possibility of me and DD living separately to protect her from the DSC behaviour, too.

Unfortunately, DSS was very unhappy about DD not being here when he did occasionally decide to come, and blamed me for that. His solution was to demand that he had no contact with me (but to continue to see DD!) Sadly, contact between DH and him is superficial and infrequent now, as he refuses to come to our home anymore.

[PeppaPug]

That's really sad to hear. DSC are much more blase about it but my DC are hurt and confused. My two yr old is under assessment for ASD and I think the added unpredictably of DSC arriving or not is going to make things so much more difficult for her. It doesn't help that DSC mum encourages them to be mean to my elder DD so she's permanently confused because she loves them and sometimes they love her and call her their sister like younger DD, but sometimes they're horrible to her and say she's nothing to do with them

[connedbird]

Oh dear I'm in this position too. I don't have any advice right now because it's all too much but I watch with interest.

[ArsenicyOldFace]

As a short-term strategy, could you adopt an approach of not forewarning your DDs when contact is expected? Just treat seeing the DSC as a lovely surprise when it does happen?

[rosepetalsoup]

My little one goes a bit crazy when DSD visits too -- more so than any other relative, some of whom she's v close to. I think it's a response to the general level of tension, and the neediness of DSD, desperately looking for love and attention. I'm trying to do exactly what has been suggested above i.e. just present it as someone popping in for dinner/staying over without too much weight. Make it more humdrum/trivial, iyswim. No fanfare.

[purpleroses]

I have similar worries over my DCs losing contact with their half brother - their dad's youngest child. My ex's relationship with his DW is rocky, and she's likely to take the child back to her home country if they separate. She's done this for a couple of months before, with my DCs getting no chance even to say goodbye, though thankfully she came back.

It used to worry me a lot, that they would get close and then be very hurt, but now they both talk quite matter of factly about this possibility - they know it could happen and I think they put their own barriers in place to not get too close. They're a little older than your DCs though - but your 7 year old might be able to understand that it's possible the DSC might lose contact at some point, and that she can't really think of them as siblings. Encourage other close friendships, relationships with cousins, etc so she has other important people in her life.

[Whatever21]

Please do not limit contact.
My Ex and his new DP had hald DC for my DCs. They were not happy to start with and a lot of pre birth work by me about how great new sib was extra and they adore new sib.

There is no context in there head of half, step etc, new sib is just that a new addition. Whilst contact might be sparse due to the mother, it is not what they want.

We go out they want to buy a present for new sib - what do I do -say no. No we but stuff, not sure new sib ever gets to play with it, as Mum will see it as bought by me. I might provide the readies but the love and choice is theirs.

Mine want to see new sib, want new sib to have sleepover with them ( can not see that happening this side of the aliens landing!) they love new sib, time is not an issue in their young minds but please do no limit contact for either your DCs or your steps- when we are all gone, they may well need a new concept of family. Contact is limited by the mother and at 6 and 4 they have already realised she does not want them there or part of their sibs life. We talk about new sib, plan Xmas and birthday presents because that is what you do for your brother and sister - I will not bring my DCs to think their new sib is anything but the same as them.