Personality transplant on contact days such fun..

[Elizabeth120914]

Well today we are having dsd. OH instantly in bad mood. I'm trying to write a list of school stuff we need he's being awkward ask him to order something off eBay he won't.

We had a lovely day yesterday and today will be foul. As others recommended I've suggested counselling, sitting down and talking to her you name it.

Her mother is now making her come which is almost worse as she hates it. She will get in the car and not speak. She will ask to go home all day unless she gets bought xyz and OH will be in a foul mood. This normally gets taken out on me. Me and dsd don't have a problem at all.

I've just blown my stack at him and said if he's talks to me like crap once today when she's here he can take her out I'm not having them in the house with me playing referee and entertaining her.

He insists on picking her up as it's 'his duty' when she doesn't want to be here and they won't even speak more than direct questions and yes or no answers.

I'm taking her for the rest of the uniform in the week I've had to get the list from the school cos her useless mother thinks they never had one. So that's me on maternity with spd having a whole day of her to help them out- it's for her I want her to start new school with the right stuff but ffs what is wrong with these people?

If something was so miserable on all sides why do they do it? It does no one any favours at all it's so pointless.

I'm going to try and talk to her when we go for the uniform I promised her lunch out for a good school report but I could scream I'm not having this Infront of the baby so they need to grow up.

Anyone have any ideas other than the obvious of making this better? She's selfish and unhelpful and he can't articulate he's hurt by the behaviour and it goes round and round and round.

[Kaluki]

Honest opinion?
I think thus is just to much for you to do on your own.
If DP isn't prepared to at least try then his relationship with DSD will deteriorate.
You are amazing for doing so much I many would have given up long ago!

[Elizabeth120914]

She won't speak to him about anything for some reason she does me but I'm fed up with the pair of them. I know she's a child but she's quite mature for her age and does understand that not speaking and being rude isn't pleasant.

I'd wash my hands tbh but it's in my house eow and she spends the whole time with me while he gets annoyed.. I'm not going to go out to avoid the pair of them it's stupid it's my home. Tempted to kick them out tho.

It currently suits her mother as she's not getting on with her bloke so she will make her come when it doesn't we won't see her again for a month. Argghhhhh!

[yoyo27]

You are amazing!! But to be honest, I would just step back and leave her dad to step up. If he doesn't then she doesn't come over. DSD doesn't want to be there anyway. Her mum wants her there for her own benefit, but that isn't working either.

And I hate to say this, but is he going to be like this with the baby too? X

[FunkyBoldRibena]

You have been advised time and again to step back and let him get on with it. Why are you buying her uniform? Why isn't her mum buying it?

[Elizabeth120914]

Yea I have complained about this loads before it's just mega frustrating for me and this is the only place I can vent I feel better when i write it down because I know there isn't a solution I'm stuck with it.

There's a lot more too the issues than I can put here which explains a lot of why it is what it is between them. We get the uniform because I'm not giving her mother money that won't be used for it. We have fetched most of it today so I only have one shop to go to with her this week which is much easier.

[Elizabeth120914]

I take my hat off to anyone who manages to step back when someone's in your house it's very hard to ignore them... We are a family weird as it may be..

Maybe I'm an idiot but I don't want to have to go out all day or sit upstairs. It's a crap situation all round just want a happy house and for some better behaviour when the babies here.

No don't think there is an answer just wish there was sick of it but hey ho maybe she will grow out of it one day and they might communicate better..

[SofiaAmes]

Why are you getting the uniform. Your OH has allowed you to take over his role as a parent and you have allowed this to happen. If you step out, he will have to be forced to take on his role (it's not yours) and if he doesn't, or does it badly, then it will be his consequence. You are not doing anyone any favors by making up for his lack of parenting. His dd doesn't want to come because she wants a relationship with her father not you (and that's absolutely not about you, it's about them). I am speaking from bitter experience of having made the same mistake you are making. It doesn't turn out well for anyone.

[plinth]

So dsd doesn't want to see her dad and dad doesn't want to see his dd?

How incredibly sad.

But it's not something you can put right if they don't want to

[Elizabeth120914]

OH wants to see her which is why he still collects her. For some reason tho they just can't enjoy each other's company .. She doesn't want to come because we won't do the Disney thing all weekend anymore. If we invited her to come and go to Alton towers she would be lovely all day..

The outfitters is only open mon-fri and I offered he's self employed and working 1 hour away so it seemed silly so I offered- won't again! I've made him go and get all he could get today I'm trying to get a back bone. I have made it easy to dump it on me it's just hard to scrape it back after..

I'm aware I've created it all being dumped on me and it's my fault..

[SofiaAmes]

You need to read a book called the Enabler. I found it to be very informative. I only wish I had read it at the beginning or middle of my marriage(s) and not just at the demise of the second one.

[Elizabeth120914]

Will do .. Thanks for the recommendation definitely need some sort of help can't see the wood for the trees at the moment

[Kaluki]

I think you will be too busy to entertain her like this when the baby comes so then you will have no choice but to step back.

[yoyo27]

It is easy to step back. Have a rule where he takes her out for the day, but not to yours overnight.

[Elizabeth120914]

Well it's erupted!

He tried to organise me collecting her to get the last few bits and there was a load of bullshit with ex about where they might or might not be on a given day and they can't remember what day they are going on holiday apparently..!! Suddenly there's a load of other things she 'needs' too from the woman who said she had never seen a list of uniform..

Yesterday we spent over £200 on school stuff for not even a thank you. She refused to try anything on and was generally pretty awful it was embarrassing in the shops. We have no central heating and a leaking roof currently and im afraid this has really stuck in my throat... They are going on holiday although no one works and I'm running round like an idiot..

We went to grandparents for lunch and she refused to speak then went on the computer for an hour then wanted to go home. When she was driven back no goodbye no nothing.

I've told him I'm not taking her for the day to get the rest of the stuff I've had enough. Good luck to them sorting it out.

He's useless too but as many have said I'm not being in the middle anymore if they want to carry on this rubbish between them let them. Also said I'm not having this crap in the house she can go to MILs up the road with him if they aren't going out for the day and no overnights here till this so sorted out.!

So this enabler has retired lets see how they go on. I don't know why I have been stressing about all this when no one else does. In my mind I imagine how I'd feel if my child didn't have xyz but she's not my child and her values aren't the same she clearly doesn't give a toss about school etc or does her mother so it's a loosing battle.

I've been reading the posts I've written back I feel like a total fool. As others have said before it's not in my power to change it don't know what I thought I was doing ... Sorry for banging on no more comments on this one promise!

[Mumof3xox]

Ah bless you op

I have seen your threads in the past

I'm not a step parent so have little experience to draw on but I'll agree with those saying your dp needs to step up and sort things out with his dd.

This ideally needs to happen before you have your baby!

[Elizabeth120914]

I think there's the problem I've been trying to solve it on a timescale and I can't solve it so it's a waste of time!! Finally mumsnet has got through my thick head!

I took her to get the baby a present from her yesterday thinking it might involve her she wouldn't even look and won't refer to it at all. She's the same with her mothers other children they never get mentioned ever and if they do not by name.. I'd got her something from the baby and tried to involve her, her grandma was talking to her about names etc and she just pulls faces and walks off. She's never asked if it's a girl or boy even.

I know kids push boundaries but I'm sick and tired of it now and even if her mother hadn't been a pain I'm not taking her out and treating her to lunch etc when she's been so unpleasant yesterday..

She's been kicking at her dad a long time but I don't do the discipline side of it we have always been more aunty/ friend and done things together. I've also always stuck up for her but I've no energy for fighting and bad behaviour at the moment. Being a step parent is thankless ..

[FunkyBoldRibena]

You see it as either doing everything or ignoring her. There is a middle ground, which is where you step back and let him sort her out.

You are not her parent. He is. If you continue to do it all, worrying about when and where she speaks and what she says, this will never end.

Kids don't usually say thanks for their uniform, it's not their fault that they need it. But her dad should be thanking you for doing it.

It's her dad that needs to be doing all this. Again.

[Kaluki]

Don't feel like you can't post on here about this anymore Elizabeth. Lots of us have posted multiple times about the same problem - it helps!!!
Well done for standing up and refusing to do anymore - it's up to her dad now. You can concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby now!

[Elizabeth120914]

Thank you kaluki apreciate your post I know it's the same old and probably boring but there's no one in real life to discuss this with. Writing it down does help me sometimes see it more clearly..

Think I've seen the light now a bit anyway maybe it's one extreme to the other but it's too draining and I've had enough gonna leave them too it, was thankless before but I'm not having her attitude with me aswell. I've got a baby to concentrate on maybe will do them a favour if it butt out

[wantsleepnow]

And don't feel like a fool either. Everything you've done has been because you care for your DSD and are a very kind person. Time to stop, yes, but be proud of your behaviour. It doesn't sound like anyone else in this mess can be!

[Haffdonga]

Elizabeth you do sound lovely and caring. I can completely understand that you can't step back and watch DSD go off to her new school without the right kit. Poor kid - neither of her parents seem to care as much as you

You surprised me though, when you said you took her to buy a present for the baby. Don't you think she is probably shitting herself that the baby is going to push her out of the family unit? You've made the comment several times 'I've got a baby to think of now'. She'll be picking up on this and feeling repaced. She shows no interest? Of course she doesn't! The one person who apparently used to care about her - you - now has a dc of their own and DSD is no longer wanted (as the meledramatic teenaged mind sees it).

I'm sure she will be foul. She may be unkind, unhelpful and proclaim to hate her new sibling. Teenagers can be extremely selfish and thoughtless. Now is the chance for her dad to step forward and be a Father.

[rosepetalsoup]

Hi Elizabeth - I've seen your previous posts and agree with the perspective you're coming too. You'll just have to step back and leave them to it. I know exactly how it feels, you have high expectations of family life and are trying to singlehandedly get everyone to rise to the occasion and have proper good relationships, but as you've said DSD is not your child and you must just retain your own standards for you, your DH and your own child.


Their relationship will be what they make it, and that's accurate and honest. You simply run your home as you want and accept that sometimes your DH has a close relative to visit him. It's important to get over the disappointment of having an unsuccessful element in your family. It's not your fault, and you can still bring up your child to be happy, attached and sociable. Try to have a good, positive relationship with your DH and as much as possible stick to the way you behave when DSD isn't there. The best you can hope is that your competence and warmth give a good example for DSD as she grows up.

I don't like how my DSD is parented and it's very hard to accept -- but you must move on as you can't change it. They will be different kids to if you'd raised them.

Good luck. Also sometimes it's important to take it less seriously. DSD will grow up and forge her own life and may not really remember any of this. This is your real life too -- try not to take on everyone else's worries.

[StercusAccidit]

You're not thick
Or boring
You should be able to vent on here, i've seen post after post on other sections from the same person - if anyone has a problem they don't have to reply, or offer advice, they could stay off the post or hide it.
Be 'selfish' concentrate on yourself and little one :)

[StercusAccidit]

Oh the thread moved on while i had the page open :)

I took all the kids to buy presents for baby ds and dd, bio and step, and each of them had a present from ds/dd except when i had dd, sd didn't get anything, she hasn't been to visit and has only seen dd at 9 months when we went to drop off money she'd demanded for a phone top up, even then she only looked through the window at dd, sneered, grabbed the money and walked off.

Its right her dad needs to step up, i'm sure you will find time too, its only like any other sibling has to take a slight cut in attention given when a baby comes along.

[ClashCityRocker]

I've read some of your threads before and I concur with the above - it's always good to write things down and maybe get some fresh perspectives.

Taking a step back from the responsibility side will hopefully force your DH to engage with the situation a bit more - at the minute, it sounds like you're putting in all the work to facilitate a relationship between two people who aren't prepared to put the effort in.

You can (and IMO should) still be emotionally available for your DSD if she wants to talk, but your DH needs to start putting in more of the effort.