Can I have a SP point of view please?

[missmeldrew]

DS1 lives with dad and other two with me, they get on with DP if not take the piss a little (not doing as they are told etc) Weve had loads of trouble from my ex resulting in us moving about 5 miles away, DS1 didnt really want anything to do with me and on the few occasions I did see him he would kick off, call me names and accuse me of all sorts, mainly due to what his dad had told him / fed into him. Social services are now involved with DS1 and me and DS1 have been speaking a lot more, SW has arranged interim contact for the kids to see both me and their dad. Ex didnt turn up for his contact this weekend with the two with me, weekend coming is my turn for contact with DS1.

Yesterday DS1 rang me and asked coud he sleep this week too. Course I jumped at the chance and told him course.
Now DP has said he doesnt feel comfortable DS1 knowing where we live, having him come to the house will just cause trouble and all the crap we had in the past with my Ex will start all over again.
I know hes probably right about the shit starting up, but I really dont want to believe my DS is only coming up to spy for his dad, to get info for him.
I dont want to choose between DP and DS1 because DS1 will win hands down every time. I just dont understand why DP is being so awkward about things, Ive wanted this for so long and now finally DS1 is coming round to getting our relationship back on track I feel like its all turning to shit.

DS1 is 12.

[WakeyCakey45]

I think your DP is, quite rightly, concerned about the impact that a 12 year old will have in your home - particularly one who has had a lot of disruption in his life recently.

Yesterday DS1 rang me and asked coud he sleep this week too. Course I jumped at the chance and told him course.

I'm afraid I would question the appropriateness of this. Your DS1 is a non-resident child in your household, for whom there has been a recently established interim contact schedule with SocServ support.
Undermining that, agreeing something directly with the child and allowing him to decide where and when he spends time with each parent is not only placing a significant responsibility on him, it may well have along term impact on the decisions taken in the future about residency and contact.

I think your DP is naturally cautious, whereas you, just as naturally, want your child home.

[missmeldrew]

Contact was left to sort between me and DS1 as EX refused to get involved. SW agreed he was old enough to contact me himself.

[crazykat]

I'm a step parent and, while DHs ex hasn't been near as bad as your ex, we've had our fair share of problems.

I can see why your DP is hesitant and worried about the trouble with your ex starting up again, especially as it was so bad you felt the need to move and not give him your address.

When we got our first home together, I didn't want his ex anywhere near, still don't and she's never been here except once to drop DSD off.

So in a way I can see where your DP is coming from ad wanting to keep your stable home life away from your ex.

However, much as his worries are reasonable, as a mother I wouldn't be letting anything come between me and my child. Talk to your DP and listen to his fears and point of view and discuss it together. As a step parent it can sometimes feel as though your feelings and view are ignored when it comes to your step children.

You need to talk it through together and let him know that you understand his feelings but you need to see your son and repair your relationship. Unfortunately this comes with the risk of your ex getting your new address and possibly causing problems. But to you this risk is more than worth it for your relationship with your son.

I understand you wanting to repair your relationship with your son but please don't just dismiss your DPs feelings as he's worried about disrupting the life of your other children as well as both of you. I'm not for one second suggesting that you don't let your ds1 stay at your house, but take it slowly. You need to all work together for this to be successful.

[WakeyCakey45]

Sorry, that wasn't clear in your initial post.

None the less, suddenly agreeing a weeks staying contact, with no discussion with your DP, Soc Serv or your ex, after everything that has happened, is a big step. It's your DPs home too - given the level of disruption you imply he has been subjected to as a result of your relationship with your ex, I think it is unreasonable to expect your DP to "go along" with whatever you have decided without discussion or a chance for him to voice his concerns.

The practicalities concern me; how will your ex know where your DS is, for instance? If you and your ex aren't speaking, then your DS could tell you he's at His Dads, tell his Dad he's with you, and be somewhere entirely different. 12 is not old enough to manage an independent relationship with a parent.

And yes, as a stepparent, I completely understand your DPs position - I'd spend the week walking on eggshells expecting my every word and action to be "reported back" or for your ex to turn up on the doorstep at any minute. It is unreasonable to expect your DS to keep secrets from his Dad; including where you live, but equally, unfair for your partner to live with that level of drama and uncertainty in his life.

[missmeldrew]

Its not for the week, its only for tonight and then obviously the weekend contact that has been arranged with SW which might I add, DS1 knew nothing about. DP has known for weeks that alternate weekends had been put in place.
When do you draw the line though, when do you start putting trust into the 12 yr old. I cant just tell him no because we cant trust him not to tell his dad. At some point we are going to have to get over the past, put some trust in him and accept that his dad is eventually going to find out where we live but hope he doesant come round. We've had CCTV fitted for that very reason

[robotroy]

I think Kat has some really good advice on this.

I agree you should talk with your DP and thank him hugely for his concern and support, both for you and all your family. Make it really clear to him how much you and actually your child need this support and that you absolutely hear his concerns but that your ex can't be allowed to block your child from you. He needs you, and as a step parent with no other kids I personally think its completely reasonable that your child, until 16, comes above your partner. I expect and want to see this in my partner.

I also agree this doesn't mean it should be at the detriment of a partner, and definitely not at the detriment of other kids. So follow your instinct and make it clear to this young man you love him and want him in your life, and that he will be loved and respected the same as your other children, but he must show respect to you and all the family the same as the other children. I have a firm belief in loving calm repetition of relatively old fashioned rules, paired with lots of love. It might well be that he would be hugely grateful for that.

I have to say at 12 he's old enough to understand the efforts you've made to see him. Perhaps it's caused him to question some of the BS your ex has given him over the years?

I think your man sounds like he's doing everything right thinking about the safety of his family, and I also think you need to give this young man endless chances as he is your son, and even when they don't know it, they need you.

I am really crossing my fingers for you, I really hope things can work out for you all.

[missmeldrew]

I just feel Im stuck between a rock and a hard place today. DS1 is at my mums now with his sleeping stuff. Like wakey said, Im now questioning myself, maybe my desicion to say yes was rash but him asking like that has never happened before, maybe hes lonely over summer (dad works and leaves him home alone), maybe he is genuinley missing us, it must be a massive step for him to put himself forward like this.
Ive emailed SW and asked her to call me as I dont want to upset dad either. Ive made a stupid rash desicion and now someone is gonna get hurt and let down. What a shit day.

[robotroy]

No, no no no. You have made absolutely the right decision, your 12 year old child has reached out to you, I strongly believe you have to try everything in the world to help him and show him love. Even if he's a complete nightmare, even if he throws it in your face endless times. He's your child, he sounds like he really needs it. You're a good mum.

Let your partner know how you are feeling, let him help and reassure you with support, don't deal with this on your own.

[Alita7]

I think your ds should come. He's a little boy who seems to have been through lots. Shower him with love.

Your dps concerns are valid and I do understand them but he needs to let you try and repair your relationship.

[WakeyCakey45]

There no doubt in my mind that you should be supporting your DS - I'm sorry if I implied otherwise. It's just that one of the most frequent 'complaints' on this board is the fact that SM's often have things dropped on them by their partners in relation to the DSC without any conversation or consultation regardless of the impact it will have on them and the wider family.

From your first post, it sounded as if you'd done the same to your DP.

I'm assuming the issues caused by your ex are quite serious if you've had to move away; which was presumably a solution to the problem. I can understand why your DP is anxious - I imagine he's envisaging a life 'on the run' constantly moving to get away from the hassle from your ex.

I know how invaded and violated I felt when my DHs drama with his children resulted in Social Workers arriving on the doorstep and spending time our home, interrupting what I was doing and generally disrupting things; it is a feeling of complete powerlessness and lack of control.

But your DS has a right to a relationship with you and that includes overnight if he and you both want that.

[missmeldrew]

From your first post, it sounded as if you'd done the same to your DP.

I did.


Just not thinking and grabbing the oppourtunity whilst I could. I miss him so much and I thought DP would be OK with it, obv not. Ive wanted this for so long. We've all been through so much and I honestly can see where DP is coming from from, police were always at my door, EX dragged DS1 to the police station to make allegations of abuse, when the police spoke to DS1 he told the truth, "nothing happened, she sent me to my room for being a brat".
Ex sent DS1 a text from an iphone app that made it look like it came from my number telling him how I didnt love him and how I wished Id never had children......he was wicked, hence the involvement with SW, but at the end of the day, hes his dad, Im the mum that left and he sees that as my fault. SW is finding us some councelling to go to.

[catsmother]

One thing that occurred to me - but I have no suggestions about how to deal with, and wonder if the social worker would be able to advise - is that because your ex is a nasty piece of work by the sounds of it, do you think there's a risk of him pressuring your DS to tell him where you now live when he finds out DS has visited ?

So it's not so much a question of whether or not you can trust your DS to keep your new address a secret, but how much a 12 year old would be able to resist a load of questions, especially if he's (the ex) cunning about it, or worse, threatening. In other words, would the act of DS spending the night at yours open a can of worms as far as he (DS) is concerned ... he might not appreciate how his dad might react ? And if there's any possibility of trouble from the dad directed to DS, that's a significant burden for him to bear.

But of course, it's inevitable that sooner or later - as you start to rebuild the relationship - that the issue of overnight stays will come up, with the risks they might entail such as further trouble from your ex (and I understand totally why your DP is worried about it starting all again) and/or emotional pressure on DS from his dad. It sounds like a horrid situation with no easy answer.

[missmeldrew]

Yes. This is the main issue with dp I think but eventually he will find out. I've just sat DS1 down and explained to him how over the last few months we've lived here we haven't had any trouble so if at all possible I'd appreciate it if dad didn't know my address. He doesn't tell me things about dad an I don't ask him. I ask how he is, being nice really but I never question him about his where abouts or personal things. Ds1 has been punished in the past for coming to see me, he once rang me in tears cause dad had docked his pocket money for spending time with me and was told "you wanna see her, go effing live with her"
He's horrid. SW is well aware and it's all going in the section 7 for court.
He's here now and all is going well. He's off makin new friends with his brother.