Do you 'plan' activities for when step kids come?

[Elizabeth120914]

Just wondering we are no longer going to be doing expensive things at weekends but previously I've been arranging picnics and finding places to go too. Just wondered if others do this or just do what they normally would with the kids in tow?

Been reevaluating a lot of things and was just starting the chore of thinking of something 'free and entertaining' as I normally do for Sunday just wondered if that's what everyone does..?

I've got a house in the middle of being decorated and a tonne of jobs that OH needs to do but we normally just stop everything to try to entertain dsd if it was our kids I'd get them helping but she won't strip wall paper etc she will sulk down stairs and want to go home!

[SquidgyMummy]

How old is your DSD?
are you redecorating the room she usually sleeps in, perhaps she would be more inclined to help if she helped choose some paint etc?

(FWIW my DSC live in a different country so DP tends to drop everything when they come; they can entertain them.)selves and DSD is v good with 3yo DS. however as they are 18 and 13 I am going to get them to help a bit with cooking, clearing up etc

[Elizabeth120914]

She's 11. It's not her room we've done that she didn't want to help!

She's been awful lately so don't feel inclined to be running round making a massive effort this week but just wondered what others do..

[Elizabeth120914]

I just meant do u do what you normally would? We have been busting a gut to entertain dsd when she comes when we have other things that need to be done. Advice was don't try so hard so just wondered? We aren't exactly flush at the moment so would have probably walked the dogs, bit of shopping etc as we are both at work full time

[crazykat]

We just carry on as normal when DSD is here. Lately she's been more interested in going out with mates and only phones when she wants money.

DH used to tell her if we were doing something but he got fed up of her only coming if we were going out (which isn't often as we don't have the money).

When she was 4/5 we had to spend every weekend at soft play or she refused to see DH but it cost a fortune and we never got anything done that we wanted or needed to do so it stopped and became an occasional treat instead of the norm.

I don't feel the need to plan things for every day of the holidays for my DCs, they're perfectly happy playing in the garden and with their friends with the odd trip to the park and shops thrown in. I don't see why DSD needs something planned every time she's here, she's old enough to entertain herself like our DCs have to every day.

If we plan a day out and DSD decides to come to ours the. She comes with us, if not she stays at home. It sounds harsh but we don't tell her if we're doing something anymore as we got fed up of her only coming if we were doing something an demanding to go home when we got back. She's a young teen btw so is old enough to know that families aren't just here for entertainment and jumping to her every demand, we had enough of that years ago.

Our DCs don't get to opt our of doing everyday things like shopping/tidying etc. so why should DSD just because she doesn't live here full time?

If you need to decorate then do it and your DSD will have to amuse herself like your DCs do everyday when you're busy.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

It was a mixture of seeing friends, being at home, seeing grandparents, days or trips out, doing some baking, swimming, playing board games, watching Dvd's - just normal family stuff. No two weekends were the same.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

My dsd tells me that what she loved the most was when I blow dried her hair. Made me cry! It had always been preceded with an hour combing out nits and an out of earshot rant st her mum - but she doesn't remember that.

It's not necessary to do big expensive trips and activities all the time. I always aimed to make her feel loved, wanted and part of the family. And that can be done with the seemingly small things.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

As I said on your other thread, you are just rewarding the abysmal behaviour. Just stop - and let her join in with normal life for a while.

She may never come round but spending money and time on making her the centre of everything when she doesn't appreciate it is only going to end in tears.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Why are you going to am the lengths to entertain her? Does your dp feel the same or does he not bother?

Me personally - I have been having issued lately so not really in a position for giving advice but I never go out my way to plan activities nor does dp as when we do the kids always act up so we end up not doing what we had planned. No reward for bad/sulky behaviour.

I think it's a shame you feel you need to entertain when she visits. She's not a guest she is family and in my opinion she should use her imagination to entertain herself now and again - it won't do her any harm.

I'd be telling her you are to busy to do anything this week / weekend she can help or do her own thing.

Xx

[Elizabeth120914]

Thanks all!

I organise it or she sits on the sofa in a foul mood wanting to go home and making my day miserable and oh angry!

She won't play with other kids or endless stuff she has it's very annoying she just follows me around all day..

We always cook but it's constantly what's next or what time am I going! As others have said if nothing's offered she won't come.

Think I'm retiring I just hope it doesn't make my Sunday too miserable if I try to go out without her she will want to come!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Where is her actual dad in this? Tell her to go see him. If she asks 'what's next' tell her 'I'm doing x, now sure what you want to do'. If she asks when she is going home say 'x oclock, are you going to follow me around until then? I am doing some really boring stuff, why not go and play with the others?'

[Elizabeth120914]

He's getting on with jobs he takes no notice of it so she badgers me she won't dare do the what time am I going home to him I just feel bad if she's bored and she knows it!

Makes my day much nicer if we do something but suppose I'm not making matters any better either..

[Alita7]

We sometimes plan, sometimes see what's on that day locally or just have a trip to the park.

Decorating the house will be hard, we had to move on a dsd weekend and that was difficult with 3 of them even though they're old enough and willing to help.

[Rowood]

I have kids of my own and we tend to do something in the holidays alternate days whether my kids or step kids are with us.
For example: this week they are with us on tues, weds, thurs and sat. So we are having a BBQ on Tuesday eve (they arrive around 4 from their mums (in the day mine have a mate round each). Weds is chill out day (garden, trampoline, computer iPads, TV, drawing, painting etc they generally have to make their own fun...older stepson can meet a mate in town if he wants and uses his pocket money £5 per week which they all get), Thursday they have friends coming over and we are going to large lovely local park for a picnic, fir they aren't with us but I'm taking mine out for lunch and haircuts and Saturday we will see family but relax.

I have explained that we can't do something everyday due to cost and the fact that it's my holiday too (teacher) and that there are things I need to get done (boring chores I never get round to term time).

When it isn't the holidays, we just see what happens on their weekend with us or what the weather is like but we certainly don't do activities each time. It's setting them up to fail, life isn't like that and they need to relax and recuperate and spend normal time with their family.

Their dad works shifts and we have a joint baby too who we encourage the kids to spend time with. We want them to feel like it's their home and not a holiday camp.

It is hard though this step family malarkey and took me 5 years to settle into it

[Elizabeth120914]

I get the feeling that she will be sulky, OH will be cross and I will be hiding..

Going to grit my teeth and resist the usual urge to plan anything wish me luck I'm going to need it!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

It sounds like she is sulky anyway!

[Elizabeth120914]

Yea she is just normally there's some form of distraction to get through the day ... Maybe some ear plugs from eBay..

[HerRoyalNotness]

No we don't plan special things. We carry on as normal, home jobs, grocery shopping, gardening etc.... If she is following you around, every single time say to her, I am doing xyz, here give me a hand. She will probably sulk and walk away and be bored. But that is her problem. After awhile, she may see the benefit of helping you out, something to do, joining in with the household, being part of the family.

We live abroad too, last time DHs DD visited, she shut herself upstairs and spent 2 weeks watching something on netflix, only coming downstairs when we were going to go out somewhere, to movies or whatever or to eat a meal . When DH goes to visit her, it's pretty much the same though, snapping fingers getting GPs to run around after her, and movie and meals out with DH. I can just see it (as have seen it before). They'll spend the majority of the visit sitting on the couch, her on tablet, DH staring into space.

[purpleroses]

Could she bring a friend with her for the when weekend?

We don't plan stuff at all really but they have siblings for company. DSS2 is 11 and sometimes gets bored if my DC aren't around and his older siblings don't feel like playing. It's a bit old to just play with random neighbours kids if they don't already know them. An organised play date with a school friend, or to bring one along for the whole time might be best.

[Elizabeth120914]

We struggle as we don't know the kids or parents and live an hour a way so it's a leap of faith for the parents of the kids too..

I sort of feel that for two Sundays a month between 10.30 and 5 if we don't take her home when she starts asking she needs to speak to her dad!


Lol at the sitting in silence on iPads with OH watching tv that's pretty much how it goes if I don't drag them out!!

[yoyo27]

We carry on as normal and just involve them. We are currently working on the back garden.....everyone mucks in. Life doesn't stop for them, and the kids all get treated with sweets etc for helping. We also plan a nice day out too, but they all have to earn it by helping. Sometimes they don't want to join in but that is their choice x

[Elizabeth120914]

Decorating it is then! I've got nice food in for dinner and she's got some sweets to have that we bought her from holiday and MIL from France. Not quite sure why I've made my life so stressful feeling like I've got to do something normally I'm scouring google now the irony is her own mum never takes them anywhere but Tesco even in the summer holidays so not quite sure why we are expected to be so exciting!!

[CointreauVersial]

There's a happy medium, though. By all means get on with normal life while she's there, but don't make it too dull.

A friend of DS used to see his father twice a month, and inevitably ended up spending the day shopping for a new sofa, or hanging round the house while his dad played golf. With so little time with his son it made me mad that he couldn't make just a little bit of effort to do dull things like that when his DS wasn't around.

I also think your DH needs to step up a little, so it isn't always your job to entertain DSD.

[Elizabeth120914]

He does he's useless!! The only reason I do it is for peace but I'm not this week il let them sort it out between them.

I agree totally with not making it too boring but monies really tight so I've been planning endless free days out and picnics which I wouldn't do every weekend for a child that lived here and the minute it's done it's can I go home and feels very thankless so maybe we will try normal life and see how that goes down!