What to do about DSDs room..?

[Elizabeth120914]

As previously posted dsd has gone from every weekend all weekend to every other Sunday- her choice. She's bored here and basically doesn't want to come.

She has the big bedroom in the house while our baby is having the box room. She hasn't stayed over in two months or even gone in the room.

The room is full of toys and junk - not age appropriate and none of it has ever been played with even when she did come she just watches the tv.

I really need some of the room for storage. I'm happy for her to keep the room but it's 15ft by 15 and the babies room is 6ft by 8 and I really need to re-arrange.

OH says just chuck the stuff out that's not being used he's sick of the mess as she doesn't want to come anymore and it's all un used when she does. MIL has a room there too which she also wants to clear out.

I've said I'm not throwing any of it out as I'm a) not getting the blame and b) don't think it's right to go through it and choose what goes. He's now wanting to do it himself..

Question is what do u think? I don't want her to feel she doesn't have a room but it's the biggest in the house and it's not ideal to be left as is if it's not being used anymore.

On the day she comes I make a point of organising going out somewhere but she always wants to go home as soon as the activity is complete she doesn't even want to watch tv with us or stay for tea unless it's a meal out so it's a bit awkward with OH as he's fairly upset about it...

I also don't want to bring her straight here next Sunday and get her to clear the room out for the few hours she's here.

Just wonder how to approach it what do u do once they turn teenager and don't really want to come?

[robotroy]

Oh how desperately sad. I'm sorry for all you guys. What a shame she doesn't show more interest in her sibling too.

I would have a conversation in as kind a way as possible the next evening she's there explaining you feel that it would be nice if she were to swap rooms with her sibling so there's lots of room for all their toys as kids toys are sooooo bulky. Give her a month's notice maybe that you're going to do that and chance to be involved in painting the room, laying it out etc. Do NOT go through her possessions! That's her stuff. If she's non cooperative about wanting to mess with them tell her you will box the younger age stuff up for her and pop it in the loft as its her stuff. Would any of it be suitable for baby in the future? Maybe you could ask if she would be kind enough to pass them on then.

Its a horrible shame she's bored and not seeing the value of time with dad. Does she have friends near you?We have spent a huge amount of effort building up friends and interests at our home as a bit of future insurance on this one but I get not everyone lives somewhere quite exciting as we do. Just a shame her and dad don't have something they can connect on.

For us we are moving to a smaller home but we never EVER let folks use her room for guests or mess with her stuff its her things and room and it always will be. I still think you can achieve that but its fair to swap baby to the bigger room its what any family would do.

[Eastpoint]

Can you ask her if she thinks her room at your house is too babyish & she wants to clean it out with you/her dad. I guess ideally he should offer to help her sort it out, are there things in it from when her parents first split up (v old toys/clothes)? If neither of you help her I don't think it'll happen as it will seem dull & as if she's being punished.

[purpleroses]

I would talk to her about the room and what she would like to do about it. Offer to help her do a sort out and ask what she would think about swapping with the baby in order to have a smaller more manageable room. I doubt she'd put up much opposition from what you say.

Don't just clear her stuff out when she's not there without speaking to her first. What you think of as junk may include some things that are precious to her

[Elizabeth120914]

Thanks all I felt the same don't think it's right to clear it out at all. Il try and rein in OH..

We only moved in to this house last November and she's had everything new shortly before deciding she didn't want to come anymore..! I've tried all sorts trying to get her to play with kids on the street have friends over she just won't co-operate neither will her mother so all arrangements tend to fall over.. It's much stricter here she can't be on computer unsupervised till all hours or stay up till midnight like at home so votes with her feet unless she's offered a specific day out which is what we now have to do..

There's nothing in the room that's from when she was little or anything as her mum and OH haven't been together since she was born and the bits and bobs of paintings and stuff she has mostly got and grandmas and grandads. We boxed up some stuff when we moved but she's chucked it all over the floor again ...

I've no problem with her keeping the room for now while baby is small but I need to put some cupboards in to store other stuff as I have an unusable dining room and no space to store anything and the best room in the house is completely unused..

Think we will try the tidying up conversation and see what happens she has clothes all over the floor including bits of food and all over the sheets and everything was new and chosen so trying to keep OH out it he sees it he will go mad! Might have a subtle tidy up then see if she will help sort it out next week...?

[TheMumsRush]

Seems crazy she has the biggest room. I would swap the rooms and make her smaller room more age appropriate (with her helping) and go through all the old stuff to get rid of.

[WhispersOfWickedness]

Could you swap your room with hers, if she has the best room in the house? That way you get a bigger room and are able to put much needed storage in it as your room, and it also won't seem as bad as her giving up a huge room for her sibling. You definitely need to involve her though, it would not do anything for your relationships to just do it when she's not there.

[Elizabeth120914]

We've had our room done up so not really an option I'm worried if we make her swap it will be the last nail in the coffin.. When I let her have it there was no baby on the horizon and I let her choose which makes it a bit awkward.

We are a bit held to ransom already with providing the day of full on entertainment when she does come I'm a bit worried the room changing would give her and her mother the excuse for another spate of not coming ...

Maybe if we buy some wardrobes and let her keep hers and the draws etc and just put them on one side of the room out of her way?

[burgatroyd]

You are treading on egg shells. You don't need to roll out the red carpet for her. Tell her that since she uses the room twice a month you will need it for the baby.

[TheMumsRush]

I'd just stop pandering to her, if she only want to come to get stuff out of you I'd not bother indulging her. That's no way to live, walking on egg shells. I know you are trying to do the right thing op

[FunkyBoldRibena]

She might well just be overwhelmed with all the stuff.

Smaller room; she chooses some key items from the larger new baby and storage room; and anything not chosen/played with in 6 months goes to tip/charity shop.

[Elizabeth120914]

That's what OH wants to do I'm just worried we won't see her at all and she will be left to run riot! Mother has no control and doesn't seem to worry what she does or can't stop her..

MIL had her last weekend and she couldn't be bothered to even speak to us in the car when we dropped her off or say thank u or goodbye. We gave her some money for a good school report and again no thank U or anything.. MIL then bought her new clothes, two meals out and a load of sweets she was of course lovely there and now all I'm getting is poor dsd with baby we should take her here/ there can't possibly take her room etc.

When Dsds mum decided to ignore us for five weeks MIL was texting offering this that and the other for her to contact us I recently found out it's a mess..

The saying no doesn't work without a united front I'm affraid if she decides she wants to see grandma and grandad and not dad it will cause sooo much trouble it's untrue..

[FunkyBoldRibena]

How old is the DSD?

[Elizabeth120914]

11 going on 18!

[yoyo27]

Bag it all up, sell it but give her the money. And for goodness sake give her the box room!!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I would swap rooms; it's hardly going well at the moment anyway. It sounds like some battle lines have been drawn a long way back.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

How old is she?
It makes a massive difference to how sensible she'll be about clearing out, out grown toys and to the whole computer, bedtime debate.

DD2 is 13 and she's far less sentimental about clearing out toys than I am.

Personally, I'd clear to make storage space first and negotiate swapping rooms when the baby is old enough to play in the room unsupervised. By then I'm guess DSD will be old enough that, a bit of clothes space, TV, lap top and a desk for HW is all she'll need.

Try and force the issue now and she'll visit even less.

A nice desk, new gadget, choice of decor and a relaxing of the bedtime/computing rules and she may swap rooms and come and visit quite happily.

Teens like to feel in control more than anything else, sometimes you can take advatage.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

And thinking about it, if she's a bit younger, preteens are even more amenable to feeling in control.

[HerRoyalNotness]

She doesn't stay over, she isn't interested in being there unless 'bribed' and you need the room. Clean it all out, if you sell stuff, don't give her the money! Use it towards the cost of her days out or whatever you want as I assume you bought everything in the room. Set up her bed and a few bits in the box room so she has somewhere if she decides to stay over again at some point.

It is your home to be used as you see fit, you shouldn't be letting a child that doesn't even stay over dictate how you use the space

[Elizabeth120914]

She definitely in control..!! It's amazing how an 11 year old has got everyone running round like idiots .. Can't deal with anymore drama with MIL over it all too it's caused a horrible row with her and OH already which has just been healed and they are normally a very close family.

We spent a lot doing the current room to encourage her to come which as I say hasn't been entered in atleast 2 months and the box room has been freshly decorated and new floor in a very neutral colour so I think as above we will do the clearing out first and then see when baby is out of the cot what's happening then.

Think il just order some wardrobes and put them in her room if she has a strop we will deal with it at the rate she's going she won't see them anyway I can put them to the left hand side where there's nothing but carpet anyway..

[Elizabeth120914]

Yes! We don't do what it takes to make her come the reduced contact is our fault and she should have the room.

Notably while she had her last weekend she was telling me it was a nightmare and exhausting but once she had gone home it was all wonderful!

This afternoon I've been told there's a groupon for safari park and hotel with pool she would like and we should buy this (for no reason) at £209 for a night! We are of course made of money !!

[Elizabeth120914]

Dsd does behave totally differently there because they buy her whatever she wants it's all cuddles and kisses which although they know they are being lined up for it and they say so think that the poor thing deserves it and we should do the same. She must have had atleast £100 from them last weekend plus money from us and still wanted to go home as soon as she put her knife and fork down in the restaurant from Sunday dinner..

[Viviennemary]

I don't think a baby needs a massive bedroom. But in time it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect your DSD to give up her larger room if she is only with you one day per fortnight.