Second home / visiting

[thebluehen]

My dsd1 is 18. Her parents separated 8 years ago when dp's ex took the kids to set up home with her then boyfriend. She has lived 2/3 with mum 1/3 with dad since then. Also staying in the old marital home for the first 7 years. I met dp 6 years ago and we have lived together for 4 years. He has done everything to ensure the kids have felt like his home is theirs too. We have provided a bedroom each, fully decorated how they want it, all possessions here from books to clothes, to pictures on the wall. We do all their washing and ironing, school runs etc etc plus help out in between. Regular phone contact in between (albeit the kids have mostly ignored the calls). The kids have never said the word "home". They always say "at mums" or "at dads". We've just bought her a car, included her in what to name pets, never had a holiday without her. At 18, she still sticks to the contact set up 8 years ago. Her friends and boyfriend all live in our town, mum lives in the town further away from them.

She has always referred to any possessions in our house as "ours", has had her teenage sulks and been downright rude and stroppy, has always helped herself to food from the fridge, invited people in without asking, moaned about doing the slightest amount of chores...

She has recently started full time work.

Another family member asked her when she's going to start paying us "keep" specifically to us. Well, I could have been knocked down with a feather with her response. "Well obviously I won't pay anything, I'm just a visitor".

It's not about whether she pays "keep" or not, it's the fact that she's here for a third of the time, here for 4 nights out of 7 this week as normal and yet she still sees herself as a "visitor".

She might as well have packed an overnight bag and slept on the sofa once a fortnight for the last 8 years.

I feel gutted we have put so much energy in and we might as well not bothered.

My son sees his dad once every few months, has no contact in between, and has to pack a bag with everything he needs as his dad doesn't even provide a toothbrush.

I can't believe she sees that life as the same as her life.

It's like all the hard work has been a waste of time!

[purpleroses]

I don't know. You could just be over thinking. She was asked whether she was going to pay you board, so natural enough that she jumped on the first excuse she could think of why not. The way you describe her behaviour suggests that she does feel at home - for better or worse

My DC and DSC all call both their houses "dad's house" or "mum's house" so I wouldn't read too much into that. It's just the most useful terms to use. I'm sure they do feel at home in both houses. Actually my DS has been calling our current home DP's house for the last two years (since we moved in). I have picked him up on that - it's my home too!

[Alita7]

Try not to be too hurt. It's probably not as bad as it sounds, when it comes to deciding pets names or what colour to paint the house she'd probably say excuse me I live here too, if not consulted. But she doesn't want to have to pay you 'keep' so right then it suited her to say she was a visitor.

[robotroy]

So she takes you for granted, treats your house like a hotel and expects something for nothing? Sounds like shes COMPLETELY at home!

Don't feel disheartened, believe it or not her blase attitude to just expecting yoyr support makes it sound like she feels utterly comfortable with you. I highly doubt she realises she upset you with this, thy jist expect the world on a plate at that age!

[thebluehen]

I suppose I would have liked to have had the home we provide acknowledged not just dismissed so easily.

I know she's at home but she's not daft and wants "visitor" status when it suits. Like paying keep or doing chores.