Stepson problems

[Tappergirl]

I have a SS who lives with us full time. He is 17 in October but is the laziest of all teens. He is currently doing f all after finishing his GCSEs. He says he is looking for a job but 4 days in a row in his room on his Xbox does not convince me. DH says he is trying to find a job but I do not believe it. He treats our home like an hotel and I am fed up with his slovenly attitude to life.

DH says I was like that at his age, I say, then make him change, it's nothing to be proud of. I want to kick his f'ing ass into gear but not getting much support and it is bringing me down big time, living with someone full time who doesn't talk to me or do anything slightly useful. I am starting to resent the very presence of him being here big time.

Help!

[amigagal]

He can't be the laziest, as mine is! Luckily only have two teenage boys eow, but it's a slog. He either doesn't speak or whines about how unfair everything is. He does nothing around the house and nothing is ever good enough. They lived with us for a year and it was the worst time of my life. I keep telling myself he'll be off to Uni in a couple of years.

[Tappergirl]

I have cooked supper, they (SS, DS and DH) have eaten it, I am driven upstairs because I dare to make a point. After having thought my DH had turned the corner, no we are are back to square one where I am the bad cop again.

I have really had enough and filing for divorce next week.

I hate him for being so crap at being a decent husband, and treating me like a 2nd class citizen above his nearly 19 yo and nearly 17 yo.

[Tappergirl]

DS should read DSD. not dear btw, just SD..

[Bonsoir]

I feel your pain! I have two DSSs, 19 and 17, and while they both have many qualities, I am through with providing domestic support for grown men who are bigger and stronger than me yet think they should not have to do domestic chores.

[Tappergirl]

Bonsoir, thank you. I thought we had turned the corner, but it does seem blood is thicker than water, and my marital status stands for nothing. I am fed up with housing 2 step kids who treat my home like a damn hotel, and a husband who fails to acknowledge how distraught I am 95% of the time having to accommodate them. I really just want out at the moment, which I know is sad considering their ages. I am the outsider in my own home and I can not forgive my my husband for that.

[Bonsoir]

Do your SCs not spend any time at all at their mother's home?

[Tappergirl]

No, Bonsoir, well hardly ever really. She is mentally unstable, and they have no desire to see her. Any contact is usually forced, well it was when they were younger, and if we were away. Now they hardly see her at all, to my knowledge anyway. My husband is a closed book, and if they do see her, 25 miles away, then I don't get to know about it, like usual !

[broodynmoody]

Why are 17 19 year olds still staying at their dads on a weekend?? My friends soon stopped staying at his dads at 9 years of age. I thought social lives would be more important. It quite sad actually.

[Bonsoir]

Oh dear. It sounds as if you have some serious communication issues in your family...

My DSSs don't like spending time at their mother's either.

[Tappergirl]

Broody, read the thread, They live here fgs!

[purpleroses]

My 15 year old DSS would spend every hour of the day on his computer, and it is REALLY hard to get him off it. We set house rules when we moved in together putting limits on the computer time, but DSS breaks them and there aren't really any consequences. On the plus side my own DS rarely seems to notice, and seems content to follow the rules himself, so I've given up getting DSS of the computer. If his dad doesn't care enough to stop him, I don't really see why I should. My DSS plays on his own computer in his room though - time on the Xbox downstairs is much more limited. If your DH doesn't have a problem with him being on it all the time, then maybe moving the Xbox to his room is the best way to stop it bothering you so much (if you've not already done that)

To be fair, I think it is pretty difficult for teens to get holiday jobs these days - harder than it was when we were young, though does depend a bit where you live. Have you or DH offered him any suggestions of things he could do to find a job? What does your DH say he has done to look for a job? Can you suggest he invites a friend over, or offer him a lift to a friend's house? You could try a rule that he has to go out the house for at least an hour a day, in the interests of his health - just for a walk if he can't think of anything better to do, but you'd need your DH on board to enforce it.

If he can't find a paid job, he could at least help round the house. But ime teen boys are unlikely to magically realise there are chores need doing - you or DH need to spell our really clearly what he is required to do, and what will happen if he doesn't (I'd suggest turning the wifi off until the chore is finished). He could be set on cooking dinner for the family a couple of times a week - if he can't cook he can read a recipe book and ask someone if he gets stuck. You can certainly get him to do basic things like putting his own laundry away, or putting sheets back on his bed by simply not doing them yourself.

[brdgrl]

You can certainly get him to do basic things like putting his own laundry away, or putting sheets back on his bed by simply not doing them yourself.
Not my one! He sleeps on a bed without sheets rather than do it himself and hasn't put laundry away in at least a year. I've limited my expectations to the common areas (and even at that, they are seldom met).
But yes - he'll need very specific jobs to do, and actual consequences if they aren't. If you are able to control things like wifi access/lifts/pocket money, those are your best tools.

But I suspect the problem is that you don't have any control over these these things...

[purpleroses]

OK - that should read as you can certainly stop doing basic things like putting laundry away or sheets on a bed yourself - whether he then does it or chooses to use no sheets and keep clothes in a pile on the floor is admittedly a different matter

But those choices needn't really affect you, (as long as he doesn't just sweep the clean clothes up off the floor along with dirty ones and put them all back in the wash again....) And not doing it yourself is at least a start to getting him to do the things himself. But as brdgrl says, you need to be the one with some control over possible sanctions if you're to have any clout over behaviour.

Otherwise is it possible to separate out the DSS-related chores (his laundry, etc) and simply tell your DH that you are no longer doing them, and he either does them himself or makes DSS? That might work as a form of protest, though I don't think it's a great solution for a happy harmonious household.

[Alita7]

I did a levels and they're tough. I didn't have a job until they'd finished, there's no way I'd have managed working and a levels as I was struggling, my mum also had big expectations of me with house work and I did way more than any other teen I've heard mums on here saying theirs do. I baby sat once or twice a week which gave me some pocket money and allowed me to revise / do school work when they were in bed.

If he was my step child then I'd be insisting on more house hold chores to help you out rather than him getting a job, just don't cough up pocket money and only buy what he needs for him.
Maybe give him the choice of more chores for free or get a job and earn money, or the xbox will be removed from his room during the week?

[loudarts]

Take the plug off the Xbox until he gets off his butt and looks for a job/ helps round the house. (You could also switch the upstairs plug sockets off at the fusebox)

[Tappergirl]

loudarts easier said than done. His father allows him to spend all day in his room, even when he works from home.

He does do his own washing (far too often for my liking as the water bill has just gone up by £15 per month!) He hoovers when nagged, empties his bin when nagged, and puts the dishwasher on when it is half empty (again only because I complained he never does empty it or decide to put it on when full).

The main problem I have is that he resides in his room when he says he is looking for a job. I know a lot of the applications are online nowadays, but he has been asked/told for the past year to look for a part time job, and we do live in a small town with lots of convenience stores, pubs and restaurants etc which will not need online applications, if he just made the effort to walk around and enquire.

Now is the ideal time as he has just finished his GCSEs, and doing bugger all, apart from catching the train to see his friends or girlfriend 25 miles away from us.

When I mention it to his father, its always "I know he is looking, he updates me". Well update me then, so that I know it is not a load of bull!

Either that, or stop giving him money, and make him realise the value of things.

Hey no, that doesn't happen does it?

[Alita7]

To be honest Tapper I seriously doubt he'll get anything now, he's left it too late, most of the summer jobs will be long gone.

I also feel the need to reiterate that Id just have him helping round the house more, and socialising more if he put a lot of effort into his gcses, I put loads of effort into mine and really needed the break after, I'm really glad my parents did nag me about jobs, it didn't destroy my work ethic I just had the chance to enjoy the summer! What I was also doing was doing research to prepare me for my a level subjects which would be a good idea. Maybe get him to make you posters or presentations.

[Alita7]

*didn't nag me

[purpleroses]

It does sound like you're really struggling, and as if the relationship is very fraught. But on the face of it I'm really not sure your DSS is the problem.
He has friends and a GF, he catches the train to go and see them independently, he does his own laundry and other tasks too when reminded. And he spends most of the rest of the time in his room on his computer, which isn't really causing you any problems. OK, so he hasn't managed to get a job for the summer, but I doubt most 16 year olds have. Overall he doesn't sound like he's doing too badly, especially for a kid who's mother has abandoned him, has had to move house, cope with a long journey to school and to his friends, and in a few weeks will be starting a new school/6th form where he doesn't know anyone. Are you taking him away on holiday at any point? If you are that'll make it even harder for him to find a job.

Having him suddenly come to live with you must have been really hard, but I don't think it's really his behaviour that needs to change. It's more the way your DH is treating you that seems to be the problem - so maybe focus on what's wrong with the relationship, and leave the DSS on his computer or out with his mates.

[thebluehen]

Broody, my dsd is 18 and still comes to us a third of the time, holidays with us, has contact phone calls on set days. She works full time! I think some step kids find it very difficult to "normalise" growing up and away when it's on a "part time" basis.

Op, I have my own ds who is the same age and I'm also finding him very difficult. I know my dp is really struggling too.

I talk to other parents of boys the same and they all complain about the laziness, rudeness, gaming, moaning and nocturnalness!

I am holding onto the positives that mine does do chores and has done a few hours work for some friends this holiday and is mostly polite if sullen and grumpy. He's also very education focussed.

As the bio parent I have come to realise he is his own person and I might not like a lot of his personality right now, but I can't change him as a person.

I do talk with him and try and understand him, I also lose my temper and shout, I have also removed privileges. I make it clear I have expectations from him and I try and keep them realistic. He's not going to get a job anytime soon (lack of confidence and he's too bloody lazy) but he also doesn't get any money apart from the minimum.

I feel I am genuinely trying and I hope my dp can see that too. Even if things don't seem to change, I am really trying to make things better for all of us.

I know by how my dp treats his kids (ignore all bad behaviour and brush under the carpet) that feeling supported can be half the battle won and makes you feel better even if nothing dramatic changes. It's very hard to put up with bad teen behaviour and have your feelings dismissed.

[Tappergirl]

Lovely and intelligent thoughts everyone. Sorry I dont answer them all personally, but I have been mega busy this week rehearsing for a dance show and then a separate song show commemorating the 1st world war centenary. This will continue for the next week so I haven't been home much in the evenings.

DH has organised all the shopping and cooking, but he does hand it to them on a plate, so they don't get involved in the food economics side of things. I just grab a snack here and there when possible, so mainly eat left overs.

I think the problem I have is that the kids take no iniative in preparing the food so do not understand how much time and effort gets into planning meals for the week. SD just swannies around all day sitting in the garden reading (I know this cos I sometimes come home at lunchtime) she does nothing useful that I can see. SS is the same but as he is younger I understand this.

It is the attitude that we must be their servants that annoys me, and bank of Dad etc.

Yes I do know that DH does not help the situation by running around wiping their arses, but if I voice my opinion, then I am blown out of the water so as of last Sunday I have just given up and got on with my own life without trying to make suggestions or integrate into the family. That will remain the norm for several weeks until SD goes to Uni, gets out of my hair and hopefully realising she has to become an adult very quickly, or at least cook for herself!.

It's gone midnight, we are in our bedroom, DH asleep, and they are still flitting about using the bathroom, toilet. They are restless, but make a constant noise, which drives me mad. Lying about all day does not burn any energy does it?

Roll on September!!!