How much is too much contact with DP's ex's family?

[OldCake]

When DP and his ex-wife split up, his ex-MIL helped him out a lot with interim housing, childcare, etc. (He's doesn't have family himself nearby.)

Fast forward a fair few years and he and I have been together for over three years, he lives with us (as do his DCs when they're with their dad - about a third of the time), and he's effectively (well, in theory) moved on with his life.

However, I feel as though his ex's family still have a bit of a strangle-hold over us. I think to a degree, DP feels he owes his ex's family because they've helped him so much post-split. I don't think he still wants to be spending tons of time with them (they drive him nuts, TBH), but feels obligated.

For example, his ex-MIL picks up his DCs on one of "his" days once a week, as he can't get back from work in time. Instead of him then just picking them up from her after work with a "thank you" and coming home, he has dinner with her, washes up, and they all come home by bedtime.

Every weekend he has his kids (fortnightly), they all go over to her for dinner, and I go to my parents with my DC (and in fairness, all his DCs are probably a bit much for my parents to handle anyway). But still, rather than coming together, we're off in different directions - me to my family, him to his ex's.

His ex-MIL has invited him over for Easter Sunday lunch, New Year's Day lunch, Christmas Day lunch, etc, even when he doesn't have his DCs, and sometimes he has gone. On these occasions his ex-wife is usually there too (which can be interesting as she's really hard work and they don't have an easy post-split relationship at all). I remember him once joining them all for a Sunday lunch on a weekend when both of our DCs were with their other parents - some rare time to focus on and strengthen our relationship. He left at noon and came home at 7pm. Sometimes I'm invited, sometimes not. But it doesn't feel right me fraternising with his ex's family anyway. DP's ex has given us such a hard time and caused such a lot of misery to us both over the years, and at the end of the day, we're talking about hanging out with her mum here - and I've ended up feeling guarded when I've gone, thinking blood's thicker than water. I don't go anymore.

In a way, it's nice that his ex-MIL considers DP family still, but it often feels more in a controlling than affectionate way. For the last two years she has bought us a holiday, for all of us (including me and my DC). In a way this is really kind; DP doesn't have a lot of money, and it's nice of her to include me and my DC. But she chooses where it is and when it is, and what this means is that it isn't necessarily where we'd want to go (our holiday last year was a wet week in a grimy holiday village that felt like a time warp and was full of swearing kids), or when, and means we don't then have enough annual leave left to go away somewhere of our choosing and timing; to actually make our own holiday plans.

Last night she rang up asking DP to come over to fix something. And I've been taking calls for the last few days from another of his ex's relatives, who DP may be taking the kids to go and visit.

DP's ex's family all find his ex hard work - difficult company. I get that. But that's not his or my problem, and I feel that them wanting to see the grandchildren so much on DP's time is interfering with us being able to build a new life together as a couple and blended family.

I've hardly seen DP the past four days or so as it is, partly for other reasons such as him working longer hours, and his ex-MIL calling him over just as he walked in from work on a Friday evening was the last straw. I do feel DP's ex's family is a factor in us feeling so time-strapped in our relationship. Step-parenting is so hard. Finding enough time to turn towards each other and stay connected amidst all the comings and goings and issues with our respective kids/exes is hard. And I just feel there isn't the room in this already challenging situation to maintain time-consuming relationships with his ex's family as well as fully committing to building a new life with me. He really likes my mum and dad, so much more than his ex's family, but sees them far less.

AIBU unreasonable to think this is all a bit odd and boundary-less, or is this just all part and parcel of the weird and wonderful world of separation/divorce/new relationships/blended families, and the endless juggling of multiple relationships and straddling of multiple families that seems to go with the territory?

[OldCake]

And sorry that was so long. I clearly had more of a rant brewing than I realised!

[Elizabeth120914]

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. We have no contact with the other family but a huge amount with the inlaws..

We had dinner Thursday, last night we have seen them this morning are having a meal tonight and all day tomorrow...

Not the same but it does make our own family time quite difficult and all occasions such as Christmas, birthdays even pancake day are with them..!

[Alita7]

I wouldn't be happy with that set up either. After all he must be stretched quite thin. But if they're all happy the leave him to it, it must be nice for the kids to be able to mix families a bit.