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Step-parenting

Feeling the "perfect step-mum" pressure - newbie onsite

41 replies

RonneandFrankie · 18/07/2014 08:09

(Sorry this ended up being basically a novel!! It's a bit of background, and basically all the stuff I'm uncertain about. I have so many questions!)

I'm totally at a loss here atm. I live with DP, we've been together just over a year. He gets his 4 yr old DS every second weekend and on Wednesday nights (when ex "remembers".)

It's a really hostile situation between DP and the ex. Their son was unexpected (known each other two weeks, kind of unexpected) and they basically made each other miserable for 3 years trying to make it work because they wanted the happy family unit. Unfortunately, she's turned out to be one of those really petty, jealous types. I'm not a massive fan of her parenting, but she's a good mother for her son. She will however, use him to get back at DP in annoying ways. Things like leaving DP to wait at the drop off spot for 45 minutes, then she sends him an email 2 hours later saying she "forgot" it was his night. It means DP is constantly stressed/anxious, because every time he goes to pick up DS, it's a gamble whether he'll actually get to see his child.

On the weekends SS is here, I vary between doing my own thing (catch up on cleaning/study/work/seeing friends and family etc) and spending time with DP and SS. Lately it's been a lot less spending time with DP and SS. Some of it is around uni exam time, some is that SS behaviour is really getting to me. He's a clever, charming little kid, but he's stuck in a tough situation and honestly, I don't think he gets to see either of his parents enough (Ex has him in daycare almost full time since he was little) and he's spoilt in the time he does get to see them. Ex has a philosophy of "if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to do it" and DP doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in the short amount of time he has him. So SS's behaviour leaves a bit to be desired (yes, I'm taking into account that he's still a 4 year old :) ) to the point where all DP's family members refer to SS as "the little shit" (only out of DP's earshot of course.)

I'm really struggling with where I stand. I don't want to slip cold into the "mother role" as I don't think it's appropriate. He has a mother, and he lives with her full-time. Me trying to do that would confuse the poor kid, I think. I help out in the day to day stuff, cooking, light discipline (no jumping on the couch, don't throw your shoes, no yelling in the house etc) and taking over when DP is beginning to lose patience. My idea was to build up with short positive interactions, be a positive adult role model, and then later down the track, just see what happens. If he wants to still see me as his dad's GF, I have no problem with that. I have no problem if he wants to think of me as his step-mum when he's older.

Recently, DP's sister went off her nut at me. (This is where a lot of the doubt came in.) She was saying I needed to step up and start being a proper mother, or f* off. She brought up the fact that sometimes I need a time out (if I'm dealing with a tantrum and have just had a gumboot thrown at my head, before 6am, for example) and how it makes me a terrible person (needing the time out), it's a good thing I don't have kids of my own, I'm clearly not cut out to be a mother, etc etc.
Needless to say, it was all incredibly hurtful. I was devastated. And it made me doubt whether I was doing the right thing, or enough of it. And I felt really pressured to meet these magical expectations that seem to form when you date someone with a child. We had gotten along previously (me and DP's sister) so I don't know where it was all coming from, or whether it had been something festering in her for a while.


Was figuring out where you stood hard? Was it something you and DP disagreed on at all?

DP seems to agree with me, except just after he's seen his sister. It's like she gets in his ear and gets him all worked up with her ideas and he comes back angry about everything. The next day, he's fine, and agrees with everything I say :/

Did you feel pressured by what people thought you should do, or the magical role they thought you should fit into?

I've read heaps of threads and I'm so inspired by the kindness and love everyone's able to show for their DP's children. I struggle with massive guilt sometimes, because I'm not at that stage with SS yet. I still feel like I'm in the getting to know him stage, between trying to be really positive, but also discipline, and what I suspect is his mother feeding him lines like "You don't have to listen to her, just to your dad."
I think he's a great kid, he just needs some boundaries and stability. But I feel like there's so much judgement around, like I'm awful if I don't automatically love this child.

How did you guys cope with stuff like this?

OP posts:
FiveLittleSpeckledFrogsSatOnAS · 18/07/2014 09:55

My only advice really would be to treat him like you'd treat a child you were babysitting.
So ignore what other people might think, discipline when it is needed but cut him a bit of slack so you're not hated by him for it being constant, give him little treats when he's kind or good, give him options when possible to help his frustration, talk nicely about his mum (I'm sure you do anyway) and accept that at time you will dislike him, this is natural he is still a person albeit a small one, and no one is likeable 100% of the time!

Kaluki · 18/07/2014 11:13

What does any of this have to do with DP's sister? She needs to mind her own business and your DP should be telling her straight never to speak to you that way again Angry
It pisses me off that as stepmums we are expected to 'step up' and mother these kids when we have no say or control in their upbringing or behaviour. If we are expected to take on a parental role then we should be entitled to make decisions and get fully involved but when we do we are told to back off as we are overstepping.
OP you are doing fine, love can't be switched on and it is bloody hard to love a child who is badly behaved and causes you problems.
Your approach is right, you need to be a positive adult role model, like an auntie or older relative but like you say, he has a Mum and a Dad.

Pantone363 · 18/07/2014 11:21

You lost me at a 4 year old being referred to as a 'little shit"'

Is he in daycare because his mum works?

Why is DP losing his patience? In a two week time frame he has the kid for 72hrs....

Your plan sounds fine. SIL is clearly a loon

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/07/2014 11:27

You aren't a proper mother though, he has a mother. That is not your role.

I'd tell her to butt out, and if she says one more word through your partner [if he spouts off with her words] I'd tell him that if they were so perfect why do they call him 'little shit' then?

I'd also tell him it is his role to parent, and not yours to be the bad guy. Although - and I've been in that role 10 years - you always will be! Stepmothers cannot do anything right. Even when we think it's right there will be someone who disagrees. There is no perfect stepmother role. So don't beat yourself up about it.

You need to agree rules in your house, and he needs to make sure they are kept. Nothing too fancy; probably much as you are doing now.

Not sure I'd do the stepmother thing if I had my time over again though. Something to think about - if it isn't going well now, at the honeymoon stage...does he [your partner] tick every other box in life?

RonneandFrankie · 18/07/2014 12:43

Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate them. Especially when all I seem to get from everywhere else is "Well, you knew he had a kid, you knew what you were getting yourself into" and nothing else.

Treating it like babysitting is a good way to think of it, thank you FiveLittleSpeckledFrogs :) I just feel so much guilt if I ever have a moment of "Uh, I just want a break" or something like that. I am friendly when he mentions his mum - he doesn't talk about her a lot though. Sometimes I think it's because he doesn't spend a lot of quality time with her, but then we found out she bans SS from talking about anything that happens at DP's house. So I think he has transferred that rule across. Which is sad, I think.

Kaluki, DP's sister decided to get involved because she sticks her nose into everything she feels like it apparently. It has nothing to do with her, which she refused to accept. And yes, it feels like you're expected to take all the responsibility of caring for the child, but no recognition or decision making...Because I guarantee, if I were to have full input, there are definitely things I wouldn't tolerate with the way he's brought up.
Thanks for your support too. Having someone say you're heading in the right direction is nice.

Pantone, yeah. They would never say it in front of DP though. The sister told me how she "dreads" when DP brings his son around to her place. This was about 2 weeks before she went mental at me at how I'm not good enough for DP and his son...
The mother started working from home about February this year. Before that, no, she wasn't working. She was a "full-time, stay at home single mum." That alone annoyed me, claiming to be a single mother when you lived with your partner, he paid bills and you put your child in daycare and hang out at home all day. That is really trivialising parents who really do have to do it all on their own IMO. The mother is a whole other story though :/
As for DP losing his patience. Short tempers seem to run in the family. But we're working on it. That and him feeling out of his depth work together I think. I've signed him up for an online parenting course that we can work through together so he has a chance to reflect on his parenting style. I've collected a bunch of online resources and info on local stuff as well, but it just never gets looked at :( Which is one reason the things DP's sister said really hurt - I feel like I'm doing a good thing by helping DP improve and strengthen his relationship with his son, and that's much more important that me trying to be a mother, in my mind.

FunkyBoldRibena - Oh, I'm thinking, believe me. I'm trying to remain super positive, but it was a slap in the face to have those things said to me, after I felt like I'd put a whole lot of effort in for the past year, just trying to do the right thing. It is making me really think hard about what I need to do for myself if this isn't heading in the right direction, or even how long I need to give it.
And YES. I am not his mother. I want to just shout that at the sister. Not long ago, she was telling me how she couldn't imagine anything worse than the possibility of her children having to have step-parents in their lives, which is why she stays with her BF. She said she would never allow another woman to try to sneak in and be her children's mother etc. I have no idea where her logic is, that's for sure.


I find it frustrating also, because I'm quite confident with children. I worked in childcare for a few years, I had a big hand in caring for my younger siblings when my mum went off the rails, and I have an OK understanding of child development and psychology, because it's part of what I'm doing at uni.
It's more about struggling to find my place and boundaries and expectations, and dealing with being able to do some stuff and not other stuff. And only having 2 days a fortnight to really influence SS's behaviour. And people butting their noses in where they're not wanted or helping unfortunately.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 18/07/2014 14:23

Your problem is your boyfriend not his son.

Cabrinha · 18/07/2014 14:26

He has a short temper but "we're working on it".
So you're downloading Internet stuff and signing you both up for parenting courses, and he is doing... Nothing, is my guess.
You're a rescuer, your posts scream it. You fix you can fix him, and you think you can fix the son.
Because you're bright, and you're kind.
Believe me, not trying to be mean.
But the boyfriend sounds like a nob, and you sound like you're on a hiding to nothing. Sorry.

needaholidaynow · 18/07/2014 15:09

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needaholidaynow · 18/07/2014 15:13

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needaholidaynow · 18/07/2014 15:15

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Elizabeth120914 · 18/07/2014 16:08

Don't make the mistake of doing too much. It's his son and he needs to do be doing the lions share. I am sure your intensions are good but from someone a long way down the line I wish I hadn't. I now end up doing a lot of the caring and entertaining and once ur in that position it's hard to step back. It's his son he needs to take responsibility for the whole thing by all means have an input but he needs to work this one out himself.

As others have said I go for the friend/ aunty role I've never told dsd off and wouldn't unless she was doing something dangerous even after years I'm not being in that role ... Being a step parent is a horrible line to walk sometimes and I find it's easier to step back. My OH is far from perfect and could probably do with parenting classes and dsd with some manners but again unless it's dangerous or directly impacts me or my belongings I keep out ..

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/07/2014 16:47

See when people say 'you knew he had a kid' that really bugs me because he also knows you don't and he shoul be thinking of that too. Why is it always is without kids who are doing all the compromising?!

Sure, I wouldn't stop DP seeing his kids but he also should remember I don't have kids and shouldn't be expected to just do stuff / compromise because of the kids. Relationships are about give and take.

I feel I have some of the same issues as the OP and it's a horrible hat place to be.

I have a niece and nephew about the same ages as DSC so I tend to treat the all the same.

Sometimes it's hard though.

I find myself being more grouchy/ moany at the kids.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/07/2014 16:48

But if I am til I've with DP and his kids I expect respect from everyone and to have some level of authority.

I'm sure it will all work out just keep doing what you think is right and if DP has a problem then he needs to tell you so you can sort out any issues. Xx

RonneandFrankie · 18/07/2014 23:28

Cabrinha - This last week I'm really starting to pick that up and realise that about my intentions I think. Thank you for your honesty. It has most certainly been an eye opening week, that's for sure.

needaholidaynow - Thank you. It's refreshing to have a nice balanced answer, rather than the shit you seem to get in real life (you knew, what'd you expect, why don't you just leave etc etc)

Elizabeth - It's a struggle to sit back and watch it all unfold. I feel it's a really hard line to keep to...you're expected to do x, y and z, but not too much, or not this or that. But definitely, I need to step back I think. Here's hoping the sister doesn't take offense and go mental again -.-

always - YES! I think that as well. One of my big points is - ummm you've have 5 years to get used to the idea of having a child. In all honesty, DP should be supporting and facilitating me to build a relationship with his son, not expect me to magically do it around him. I sometimes feel like the expectation from his family is just that I will slip into this "little family unit" that's already created (they never really liked the ex) and make it happily ever after. So not what I'm keen for.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 18/07/2014 23:45

Hi there. You've had great advice on this thread, I think.

Recently, DP's sister went off her nut at me. (This is where a lot of the doubt came in.) She was saying I needed to step up and start being a proper mother, or f off. She brought up the fact that sometimes I need a time out (if I'm dealing with a tantrum and have just had a gumboot thrown at my head, before 6am, for example) and how it makes me a terrible person (needing the time out), it's a good thing I don't have kids of my own, I'm clearly not cut out to be a mother, etc etc.
What a twat. I'd just respond to her by saying "I'm not a mother, thank you, I'm a stepmother."

People are terrible hypocrites when it comes to their relation's children, I find. They are happy to point out the children's shortcomings when it suits them, but when it comes to the step-MOTHER, the kids are suddenly little darlings.

Mini rant of my own...I spent the weekend with my DH's brother (also a step-parent)...my god, I wanted to scream at him by the end of it. Speaking of his own 10-year-old DSD, when I said something complimentary about her: "She's a pain in the ass." This in front of both my DH and his DW. I can't imagine a universe where I would be allowed to say something like that about his precious nephew/niece. Then he complained about the fact that their dad gives them money and expensive gifts, undermining what he and the mum try to enforce - and tells us that he takes the money off them, because nothing they have is theirs since they are under 18. I nearly choked on my tongue, since he is the same guy who has a history of giving my teenage DSC wads of cash on every visit. I an imagine the shitstorm he'd unleash if I took that money off them when they came home! Total hypocrite, and no sense of it at all.
Sorry, not sure if that has anything to do with your case, except to say - ignore your in-laws and their bullshit expectations. They'd see you do all the work, put up with all the crap, and still judge you for it.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 00:01

The s in law sound horrendous.

You sound lovely and very sensible. I'm a bit concerned that you are surrounded by twats- I hope your dp is worth it.

RonneandFrankie · 19/07/2014 00:41

Thanks brdgrl. It has been really helpful and honest. I did tell the sister I wasn't a mother and she went off about how that's a good thing, since I was so shit at being a step-mother etc. But yes, full of judgement! Sadly.

John - Thank you. I appreciate that. I am doing a lot of thinking, that's for sure. Weighing up pros and cons, especially since DP's family all seem to be so close. Or they think they are. But having that hovering over us the whole time is making me a touch anxious.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 08:26

I would expect your dp is very annoyed at his dsis and has told her to not insult you in the future...

Your dp is the parent here- he is the one who should be doing the parenting- no excuses- you are the loving partner, supportive friend, kind aunty, etc etc but if you are having to 'be a mother' to a child who already has a mother, then your partner is doing something wrong.

Elizabeth120914 · 19/07/2014 08:33

Outlaws are great ..

My MIL goes from bashing DH for letting me do everything to bashing us both for 'not doing enough'. She's having dsd today which now involves me driving a 40 mile round trip as she's not organised and she's mad because she has to have her overnight - today isn't our contact day and we are out tonight.. Ignore!!

RonneandFrankie · 20/07/2014 22:50

DP's unsatisfactory reaction to his sister's behaviour caused more issues -.- In his words, it had nothing to do with him, it was "between two adults" so we have to "sort it out ourselves." I was less than impressed.

I honestly think what the sister (and probably DP as well) wants a happy little family. You know, white picket fence, all that. A few weeks ago the sister was asking us when we were having our own baby, getting married etc. So when the perfect little family unit isn't happening the way it's "supposed" to, I'm clearly the one to blame.

But I agree - DP needs to be doing the parenting, and if he wants a good relationship between his son and me, then he needs to put in effort to help that happen, not just expect me to invite myself along every time they leave the house, and get mad at me if I can't read his mind.

OP posts:
RonneandFrankie · 21/07/2014 00:00

Between this and a few other issues, I'm genuinely questioning if this is good for either of us.

Even just arranging to go out together for a few hours on the weekend just gone was a frigging trial. I know a lot of this has to do with our communication, and I accept my part in that. But I feel like nothing has changed about other issues, and I don't see why this one will be any different.
Although I feel incredibly guilty saying this, I will - I don't think he puts enough effort into his son. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I can't help but seeing it. He hasn't got much idea about what he's doing, and even with coaxing and throwing information at him, offering to go through it with him, signing up to that parenting course, nothing seems to happen. He won't make time for it. I already feel sorry for the kid - he hardly sees his mum, he hardly sees his dad, and his mother uses him to hurt his father.

I know that how he parents his child is not really any of my concern. I'm not the mother. I'm there for support for DP. But to me, it says a lot about a person. IMO, your child should be the highest thing up on your list of priorities. And although I sometimes find his son difficult and tricky to deal with, and the situation is hard for me, it saddens me that neither of his parents seem to put him first.
I made a point of saying that if he wanted a good relationship between me and his son, he needed to put effort in to make that happen - ask me, tell me he would really appreciate it if I could come along and spend time with them. I just got sick of all the responsibility for that falling on my shoulders, when really, I could just as easily stay neutral and spend the whole weekend out of the house. Is this wrong? I feel like he should be the leader in this - only he can decide what he thinks is best for his child, and what role he wants other people to play in his child's life. I don't deny that it has to be a team effort to put this into place and that there is definitely responsibility on me to put effort in.

I feel more and more as if Cabrinha hit the nail right on the head.

I've spent the last week trying to make everything go smoothly while thinking long and hard about whether or not I can stay here.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 21/07/2014 00:27

It is your partners job to parent him not yours. Especially where you haven't been together long you should be treating the dc as a friend. Your partner should be doing his care and you can join them, help, have fun but he needs to step up not you.
If you think that the little boy doesn't see his parents enough then talk to your partner about having him more of the time and maybe he can even be a sahp and have him during the week if you think the boy shouldn't be in daycare.

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RonneandFrankie · 21/07/2014 03:22

He only has him EOW. The mother puts him in daycare and has since he was little. She's the "stay at home mum." That's just my feelings, of not spending enough time with each parent. The mother probably wouldn't agree.
It was a struggle to get EOW, that involved mediation and court, there's no way in hell she would stand for DP having him full time.

OP posts:
Elizabeth120914 · 21/07/2014 06:18

I'm sure u have the best intentions but it sounds ever so involved already and trust me the more that u do the more u will end up doing - I have one at home!

If u can't bring yourself to step back and let him sort it out good or bad I would take myself out of the situation.

Regarding the time spent and ex etc my OHs ex is pretty awful but we only hear half of what goes on and this is another reason I try to stay out of it. If it's upsetting you to this point already it sounds like a nightmare.. Feel sorry for the child but he's their child and responsibility...

Regarding the parenting if he doesn't see the need for classes or want to sort it out your on a no win situation. I've walked in your footsteps and all I've done is pick up the slack and ended up as primary carer most weekends when we have dsd. I'm years down the line but think what u want for your own children too if u see a future with this man..?

I get agro off MIL she thinks we should be this perfect unit but she's always picked up the slack as do I now and my OH while he does love his daughter is never going to invest himself as ur describing and so we just have time all three of us and I don't try and drive it anymore.

I don't work in child care or know much about it but these are my experiences if he doesn't want to make the effort U describe and it drives u mad it sounds like a recipie for disaster and I find that a lot of being a step parent does that anyway..

Eow is very difficult and I know my OH feels like whatever we do has very little influence and inpact which is true to a large extent maybe he just wants to enjoy the time? Dsd is 11 but she is a product of her home environment and although will do the require behaviour here xyz she doesn't at home I know for a fact and a friend of mines mum works at her school her mother although she has created the monster has far from a fun time at home with her..!

Excuse the ramblings on anyway hope u get it sorted !

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/07/2014 07:32

I'd walk away now. Sorry. He is surrounded by trouble (dsis, ex) which would be ok if he dealt with it. But he doesn't.
Really, you'd save yourself a lot of pain if you split up and found someone who either has no kids or is a good, confident parent. Everyone's expectations on you are too much and I have doubt you'll be the scapegoat soon.

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