(Sorry this ended up being basically a novel!! It's a bit of background, and basically all the stuff I'm uncertain about. I have so many questions!)
I'm totally at a loss here atm. I live with DP, we've been together just over a year. He gets his 4 yr old DS every second weekend and on Wednesday nights (when ex "remembers".)
It's a really hostile situation between DP and the ex. Their son was unexpected (known each other two weeks, kind of unexpected) and they basically made each other miserable for 3 years trying to make it work because they wanted the happy family unit. Unfortunately, she's turned out to be one of those really petty, jealous types. I'm not a massive fan of her parenting, but she's a good mother for her son. She will however, use him to get back at DP in annoying ways. Things like leaving DP to wait at the drop off spot for 45 minutes, then she sends him an email 2 hours later saying she "forgot" it was his night. It means DP is constantly stressed/anxious, because every time he goes to pick up DS, it's a gamble whether he'll actually get to see his child.
On the weekends SS is here, I vary between doing my own thing (catch up on cleaning/study/work/seeing friends and family etc) and spending time with DP and SS. Lately it's been a lot less spending time with DP and SS. Some of it is around uni exam time, some is that SS behaviour is really getting to me. He's a clever, charming little kid, but he's stuck in a tough situation and honestly, I don't think he gets to see either of his parents enough (Ex has him in daycare almost full time since he was little) and he's spoilt in the time he does get to see them. Ex has a philosophy of "if he doesn't want to, he doesn't have to do it" and DP doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in the short amount of time he has him. So SS's behaviour leaves a bit to be desired (yes, I'm taking into account that he's still a 4 year old :) ) to the point where all DP's family members refer to SS as "the little shit" (only out of DP's earshot of course.)
I'm really struggling with where I stand. I don't want to slip cold into the "mother role" as I don't think it's appropriate. He has a mother, and he lives with her full-time. Me trying to do that would confuse the poor kid, I think. I help out in the day to day stuff, cooking, light discipline (no jumping on the couch, don't throw your shoes, no yelling in the house etc) and taking over when DP is beginning to lose patience. My idea was to build up with short positive interactions, be a positive adult role model, and then later down the track, just see what happens. If he wants to still see me as his dad's GF, I have no problem with that. I have no problem if he wants to think of me as his step-mum when he's older.
Recently, DP's sister went off her nut at me. (This is where a lot of the doubt came in.) She was saying I needed to step up and start being a proper mother, or f* off. She brought up the fact that sometimes I need a time out (if I'm dealing with a tantrum and have just had a gumboot thrown at my head, before 6am, for example) and how it makes me a terrible person (needing the time out), it's a good thing I don't have kids of my own, I'm clearly not cut out to be a mother, etc etc.
Needless to say, it was all incredibly hurtful. I was devastated. And it made me doubt whether I was doing the right thing, or enough of it. And I felt really pressured to meet these magical expectations that seem to form when you date someone with a child. We had gotten along previously (me and DP's sister) so I don't know where it was all coming from, or whether it had been something festering in her for a while.
Was figuring out where you stood hard? Was it something you and DP disagreed on at all?
DP seems to agree with me, except just after he's seen his sister. It's like she gets in his ear and gets him all worked up with her ideas and he comes back angry about everything. The next day, he's fine, and agrees with everything I say :/
Did you feel pressured by what people thought you should do, or the magical role they thought you should fit into?
I've read heaps of threads and I'm so inspired by the kindness and love everyone's able to show for their DP's children. I struggle with massive guilt sometimes, because I'm not at that stage with SS yet. I still feel like I'm in the getting to know him stage, between trying to be really positive, but also discipline, and what I suspect is his mother feeding him lines like "You don't have to listen to her, just to your dad."
I think he's a great kid, he just needs some boundaries and stability. But I feel like there's so much judgement around, like I'm awful if I don't automatically love this child.
How did you guys cope with stuff like this?
Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice.
Step-parenting
Feeling the "perfect step-mum" pressure - newbie onsite
RonneandFrankie · 18/07/2014 08:09
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