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Step-parenting

fed up

11 replies

wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 09:43

If you read the support thread brdgrl started you will know that I lost it at the weekend and had a go at dss about him treating me like shit on his shoe, refusing to speak to me or even acknowledge I exist and making me feel unwelcome in my own home. Dp had already told him it's unacceptable and his attitude needs to change and fast. It was discussed about whether he is ever made to feel unwanted/unwelcome here and whether I have ever been horrid to him etc and he agrees that I haven't done anything wrong but either can't or won't say why he treats me like this. He doesn't treat his mum's dp this way or anyone else and I really don't get it. Normally he is fine when dp isn't around so have always put it down to him being clingy to dp but it's starting to happen more and more when dp isn't here. His behaviour and attitude is really starting to make me dislike having to be here when he is here but I know dp and dsd would be devastated if I wasn't.

Well contact day yesterday and surprise surprise no change and dss refused to speak to me again. Ignoring me for 5 minutes when I asked him to get in the car and then refusing to even acknowledge me when instead him what was up. So I told him I was sick of his attitude and he was to go straight to his room and stay there when we got home. Told dp when we got back who agreed and left dss to stew. He then went up to talk to dss and was very strict with him over his disgusting attitude and that both of us goes out of our way to do nice things for him and it just gets thrown back in our faces.

He isn't allowed his computer here or ds as he lives on it at dms and we encourage a far more active lifestyle, parks, walking dog, cycling etc. So we have very little we can remove as punishment for him to earn back. He had asked if he could have a friend to sleep over in the holidays for his birthday - the date discussed was a night dp was working so dp said he would have to discuss it with me as it would be me who would have to do everything. I have said that after the way he has treated me I am jot prepared to supervise this sleepover as he doesn't deserve to be rewarded and quite frankly I am sick to death of being treated like shit by dss.

Nothing has been said to friend so I know cancelling it won't upset him but it has upset dss but I refuse to back down. I know ibam being a cow but right now we need to make him see that he has consequences to deal with when he misbehaves as he gets away with everything at dms house.

Anyone else just want to run and hide?? I have told dp this morning that I refuse to make any effort with him whatsoever until his attitude to me changes.

I want to curl up and cry

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/07/2014 10:01

I totally see where you are coming from. An would be exactly the same.

Sorry I have no advice but your not alone! Xx

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ready4anotherdecaffcoffee · 17/07/2014 10:04

I feel your angst, I have this but to s much lesser degree. I also know where you're coming from with having nothing to take away!

I can't remember how old he is- other than old enough to know better! I do think you're getting stuck in a vicious circle, you dread his arrival, he probably thinks he can't do right and off it all goes.

One massive massive positive, your dp sounds to be right with you. So maybe start the holidays on a new foot. I recently did a parenting course (hated it, mostly because I felt bullied onto it, but s lot of what they said made sense)

So they started by instructing us to have ten minutes one to one time each day. Why should eet, we don't want to because the child is so ghastly towards us we all said! But go with me, try and keep your distance while your dp does. The same for all other dc. I don't manage daily, but I do try for 3 times a week.

House rules- sit down as a family and discuss, maybe draw up onto a big sheet and stick it up. These will need to be reviewed as you go, and as the dc get older. Maybe a reward system, thank you for drying the dishes have 30 minutes xbox whatever. I do keep all game platforms, and wifi devices in the family rooms and we have basic child Internet safety rules in place around them.

Finally, natural and logical consequences! I use when then a lot- so 'when you have had s shower then your dinner will be on the table'. I also use time out. Not naughty step, but in the' your behaviour/way you spoke to me was rude and not acceptable, I would like you to go to your room/utility room wherever to calm down for 5 minutes. I increase by 1 min for each refusal, when I reach 10 and they've still not gone then they lose something else. That's s hard one, but I've only had to do it once with each of mine!

I'm sorry if you feel I'm trying to teach you to suck eggs, that's not my intention, rather I hope I've managed to share some of the tactics that work for us.

And finally a Brew and Cake because y

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ready4anotherdecaffcoffee · 17/07/2014 10:05

You sound as if you need it! Sorry, am ready us knitting under an old name.

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NatashaBee · 17/07/2014 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ready4anotherdecaffcoffee · 17/07/2014 10:07

I guess what I'm saying is we have to try to be the adult and show them (the children) that there's another way rather than locking horns. Easier said than done. Do you have a few hours respite while he's at school? Come and share my metaphorical duvet, it's cosy here.

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ChiefBillyNacho · 17/07/2014 10:14

How old is he?

How about giving him something he can earn as a reward for positive behaviour? So if his behaviour changes then he'll get the sleepover.

Is he having other birthday celebrations?

My dsd went through a phase of being awful to me. We've talked about it since and it wasn't me, it was the comparison she made with her mum and how she was being brought up - and the sort of mum I was with dd. it was all hurt and anger she had no way of verbalising. I was the easy target to dump that on. I developed very broad shoulders but it really was not an easy time and I do sympathise.

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wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 11:04

Thanks ladies. He will be 11 in a couple of weeks. We will be on holiday for his actual birthday so we have promised him a trip out for his birthday which we won't be taking away as that would be really mean!!

Ready - that had me confused lol!! What you say makes a lot of sense and to be honest some ofnit we do already and have tried. Wheb we moved into this house he got the smallest room as dsd and dd need to share and unfortunately it was painted pink so we had said hecould choose the colours eetc but it was on the proviso that his behaviour changed. He was vile for months so it stayed pink. Which sid the trick for a whole and after about six weeks of him being lovely I decorated it (as in me and not dp and trust me the colour he picked is awful but his choice) and I looked like I had murdered a smurf for about a week after as the paint wouldn't wash off! But within what feels like 5 mins he was back to normal.

I am not backing down on the sleep over but am prepared to let him earn something else. I have spent nearly two years wiping slate clean and starting again every visit and it makes no difference so I have told dp i am not making any effort with dss or doing anything above the bare basics until hos behaviour changes which dp doesn't like but does understand.

Part of me wonders of dss is stressing about changing schools in September but we can't do anything if he doesn't say what is wrong. He told dp that nothing was wrong and I hadn't done anything wrong etc last night and turned on the water works. Dp didn't go all nest mate on him and refused to cuddle him etc to calm him down and I have to say that really shocked me as he is normally his best mate.

Previously it has always felt like them against me so it is nice that dp is finally stepping up. I think until this last weekend he thought I was just being a drama llama. Dss is clever and never does this stuff when dp is around normally but he screwed up and daddy saw and heard it all this time so he knew that I hadn't done anything at all to deserve it.

Glad to know I am not alone!!!! I love both kids but right now I don't like dss much!

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MarmiteMania · 17/07/2014 16:30

You are so incredibly lucky that your dp is supporting you. Mine didn't support me in exactly the same circs as terrified they would see it as 'choosing' me over them; they are now adults, still don't aknowledge me as they have never had to. Work with your dp whilst ss is still eleven to get to the bottom of his feelings. It will make for a much better future.

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wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 18:43

Ohh marmite that is awful!!! And the exact thing I want to avoid by dealing with it now to be honest.

It just leaves me feeling absolutely bloody awful. I wound myself up with my anxiety all night and have been ill all day with stomach cramps and upset tummy. I know it's the stress but I don't want to say anything as I don't want to sound like I am harping on. We are going on holiday with all 3 kids a week on Saturday and I am actually starting to dread it. I want to cancel it because I will have no where to escape to when dss starts being a little shit.

It's my birthday the day before we go and dsc's while we are away. Should be a barrel of laughs

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brdgrl · 17/07/2014 21:58

Wheres, I'm sorry it's so crap at the moment. Agree you can't go on just wiping the slate clean over and over...not if the result is the same over and over.

But you have a couple of things on your side! Your DP is on the same page and is holding his ground. :) And 10 isn't such a bad age - you can turn this behaviour around before it becomes totally ingrained! As they get older, it is harder and harder, I find, to figure out ways to impose real consequences.

Maybe, since things are so bad right now, you guys can use it as an opportunity to make a real change. When things flare up with DSS, I always feel like, OK, let's make this the 'line in the sand' - really tackle it, and then try and go forward differently. Unfortunately, what happens is that DH can't maintain the momentum; he just gets lazy and goes back to letting things slide. Without his follow-thru, it doesn't work, and everything ends up back as it was before only worse because every time we tell DSS things are going to change, and they don't, he of course takes us less seriously.

I know exactly what you mean about not having enough to take away. I hate to reference Dr Phil - but years ago I heard him talking about discipline and kids and something he said stuck in my mind...it was about finding the "currency" that the kid uses - what is it he cares about - for some kids (my DSS) the currency is money, or screen time. For some it is going out with friends. And so on...but that you can't deal with a kid until you use the right currency, no point in grounding a kid like my DSS who doesn't want to go out anyway!

Since you haven't got enough of your DSS's currency to take away, can you 'print' some? Create something that he does care about? Maybe now is a good time to talk with him again about some privilege he would like to have, and set some goals. I agree that you can't reverse the removal of the sleepover, but you could talk to him about "earning it back" and what that would take from him.

(I use a reward chart with my 4 year-old. My 16 year-old DSS once said he'd like one too! He was joking - but I think actually, ridiculous as it sounds - I'd love it if we really could use one with him!!)

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wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 22:10

Thanks brdgrl!! The last thing I want is this to carry on until he is a teenager and it becomes unbreakable.

I am really glad dp is finally seeing it all though. Makes it so much easier than having to have battles with him over trying to be dsc's best mate all the time.

Dss has no interests other than minecraft and some other weird computer game and anything Mario bros related. Not really sure what we could use as currency tbh. We have tried to get him involved in other stuff but he is a bit of a loner. Unfortunately he is the weird kid who walks round the playground on his own talking to himself which is why we though having some friends over for his birthday would be a good idea as it would give him a chance to make some friends. But I am not backing down. The little sod will learn that he may not like me but he has to respect me

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